Simple and Amazing!

            I must warn you the entry you're about to read will be most likely amazingly simplistic and boring to you!  The reason?  It will contain nothing earth shattering, revealing, or life changing - unless you know what lies beneath the words and images.

            I have been struck these last few weeks by the amazingly simplistic joyful emotions as I have done the most basic and rudimentary tasks performed by each of us every day without thought or care as we go through our lives.  As I've already written about making coffee and frying an egg, I'm sure you know where this is going….

            A few days ago I was sitting on my bed/couch with my girl cat and it struck me how perfect this moment was.  The temperature of the air, the comfort of my surroundings, and the time to actually just be, here, now.  My girl cat was lying next to me and I thought "Wow!"  I can actually sit here and pet her without strain to go and do something else and guilt about not going to do something I must or should be doing instead.

            Each day has had similar revealing moments.  Even though I have performed the tasks I do now almost every day of my life, as I have found was to integrate them into this new way of living, it is like discovering their purpose and my appreciation for them all over again. 

            Like the egg and the coffee, simple stuff like finally being able to put on lotion or chapstick or trim my toenails has had a whole new burst of recognition and gratitude for being able to do these simple things.  On the one had it appears silly, but when you understand how life itself is called forth then it is groundbreaking after all…

            Desire and appreciation are the two greatest gifts we have to create our lives around us.  But so many in the western world have become so complacent and unconscious about our lives that very little of either is felt anymore.  Having the water actually IN my trailer to draw a drink from was a profound moment.  There are as many in Africa and the Middle East right now that cannot pour water from a spout as there are others who can, yet whose desire and gratitude for this task would be greater and therefore more powerful in calling forth life itself?

            I am repeatedly reminded by others who look on my tiny trailer as some kind of failure or loss or step down - but is it loss or sacrifice to awaken again to the joys of life and the power of creation that joy and appreciation bring with them?  I am starting over and building from scratch in many ways, but alternatively I am also learning and loving and finding a level of peace and joy and contentment I have not had before.

            I recognize that my path is not right for most people, but it is not the form of the path that matters, but rather the content you gather while you are walking along that counts.

            This old world is getting pulled apart, but I don't see it as a bad thing.  We have become complacent and lost our connection to what this earth really is and how we live within and on it.  What looks like loss in one moment gives us every opportunity to find something new and beautiful all over again.

            I'll try and find more interesting things to share in the days ahead, but for today even the ability to sit at my computer and write this with a minimum of effort and strain to do so is a gift in itself I have not had since I left my California home.  When I took my Mac from its big box in which it traveled with me bouncing in the back of my trailer, it was with gratitude and happiness I could use it again - yet how many years have I had it and forgotten how much I loved it?

            Each day I find something new that is really old to fall in love with all over again.  What could be better than that?

No Residency for You!

            I have met my first unfriendly and unhelpful person in New Mexico.  Yesterday I went to town to do more business of living things - transfer funds, get car insurance, and then I tried to register my car and get a driver's license.  At this time New Mexico is under fire for handing out driver's license like candy - you pay the fee and you get the license.  So, maybe this person was feeling the brunt of the times.

            I'd been warned to not go to the local DMV, but rather head one town over to the really nice office.  But this one was on my way, so I decided to stop in, took my number waited for 15 minutes and went to the counter.

            I pulled out my paperwork that I'd seen on line to have and the woman pushed it back at me with the words "you must have a physical address" and was clearly ready for me to leave.  I showed her where my physical address was on my rent receipt and she told me "you must have a lease."

            So let me get this straight, the only people who can get driver's license in New Mexico must have a one year lease?  "Yes."  Again, so you're telling me all the people who rent in New Mexico month to month can't get driver's license?  "NO."  And again, she told me, you must have a physical address AND lease with a physical address on it.

            At this point I was getting frustrated and it was clear I wasn't going to make any real progress, so I gathered my papers and left thinking I should have listened and gone to the other DMV!  But after a few minutes I remembered who she reminded me of.

           

            For those who watched the TV show "Seinfeld" there was an episode where a man made incredible soup.  But, he was very strict about how you ordered and if you displeased him he cried out while pointing his finger, "No soup for you!"  And then you were barred for life or if lucky, only a year.

            He was referred to as the "Soup Nazi" and he was a lot like the lady at the DMV.  "No residency for you!"  And while she didn't point for me to leave and she didn't say these exact words, the effect was much the same!

            What is fascinating about this is that at a time when states have very little money she would refuse my willingness to give her mine.  I stood with more identification papers than needed and it's fairly clear I'm not an illegal alien trying to pull one over on her, but her need to right and rigid was the driving force in her focus of thought.  She entirely missed the bigger picture - that if I didn't have my paperwork filled out the way the state wanted, what did I need to change?

            Once I calmed down, I was able to ask the people who had issued me my other identity documents to make the change with the physical address on it and I am hoping this next attempt will be more successful with the nice lady at the next town over, I'll let you know.

            But the point to this story is how often each of us miss the moment life is trying to teach us while we are busy being right and rigid - regardless how this is working against what we really want.  I am assuming while this woman probably doesn't like her job, she does want to keep it and based on the feedback I've gotten, almost no one goes to her DMV and people will happily wait over an hour at the other town's just to not have to experience her and her office.

            She may be yelling at me "no residency for you" but the long term effect of that is "no job for you!" because without paying residents of your state, you won't have a job much longer!

            I am happy to report she has been my only unpleasant experience and it may actually turn out better in the long run after all.  There is the unpleasant task of getting this trailer registered somewhere and maybe the nice lady won't make me drive it all the way down to her tiny town?  We'll see, but for today, I encourage us all to let go of needing to be right and try and see what we might be missing that is for our best interest in the long run!

Love in a Small Town

 

           While my traveling may have stopped, what is new to see around me is not!  I've been thinking about this idea of "finding love" out in the world and have become aware of how different it is depending on where you live and what culture you are in.

            Coming from Southern California, opportunity's abound is the prevailing belief.  Thanks to the Internet and large population base, it can feel like the field to choose from is infinite.   Thus, the list that so many carry for the requirements of their perfect love seems to get longer as the picking pool gets larger.

            There are too many issues with trying to find love in a place like So Cal, I can't list them here, but being over 30 and bigger than a size 4 puts you over in the more undesirable category - regardless of any other trait you may hold.  It got so bad at one point that one wrong word in an email or the faintest of promises in a passing glance over a picture of someone never to be met, and BAM!, you are off the "maybe" list all together! 

            While I told others of my plans to move, so many of the women had hopes for me to find someone new on this journey.  While not my purpose or burning desire, I'm not totally opposed if a good match for me would show up!

            With that said, I'd been on my first farm for less than a week as you remember when my trailer broke.  When I took my trailer in to the mechanic he awkwardly asked if I'd be interested in a date with a friend of his who had seen me around - and then began selling him by what he did, leaving out details like how old he was (everyone here is pretty old just by looking!) or kids, etc.  I stumbled around telling him I didn't even know where I'd be sleeping tonight (true) and that maybe later.

            Soooo….when I went to pick up my trailer, there he was - there was a whole group waiting for me.  Ambush came to mind!  I tried to be polite, really I was wanting to know what went on with my trailer and not about some picnic next Saturday.   I found my way out and off to my new trailer park home.

            Well, two days later at 7:15am, I heard a truck pull up.  I'm still in bed and not dressed - he calls out to get dressed then and here we are, again.  He then tells me his story and how he's just looking for the magic.  How do you politely say, I can tell you right now I'm not magic, I’m not even sure what I'm doing right now!

            Three pens, one business card, and an offer to live at his house and earn money by pulling weeds later, he drove away and so far, he hasn't driven back.  But what occurred to me is that in a small town far away from a big city resource pool, magic is more about opportunity and availability than any physical or other kind of trait you may be looking for.  If you're looking for love in a small town, you've got to move quickly on any new woman or man moving in, because you may miss your opportunity if you delay!

            While all this is going on I've also been reading a book by James Michener about South Africa, The Covenant.  So far he's covered life from the beginning to the early 1800's.  Let me tell you, finding a wife was as simple as finding the first single female over about 14 years old.  The list included not married and breathing.  If you couldn't ride to the next farm and get one of their daughters, you asked for a woman to be shipped in from your home country!  If that didn't work, pity the native girls or slaves.

            My oh my how things have changed!  I wonder if we focused less on trying to find the perfect man or woman to live our lives with and more on how to live our lives with the man or woman we were with, we'd all be a bit happier?  Statistics show that marrying for love is no more successful than an arranged marriage.  The divorce rate and the cheating rate might be a lot less also if we let go of the fantasy of a perfect person and focused more on how to love perfectly.

            I do need to add, for most of our recorded history, women had to marry to survive.  In many ways it was a legal form of prostitution - trading your femaleness for a place to live and an acceptable place in society.  Unmarried women just didn't do well and most ended up with the other form of prostitution - which I am sure was most unpleasant.

            I'm not saying you can't be happy married and with children, but having choices on how, where, and why you want to live your life are not all bad.  I think in today's world we are all still sorting out our roles, though I often hear men wanting things to return to the old ways.  Well, if I had a wife who did all my cooking, cleaning, childrearing, and "accommodating" to my physical needs at my desire and not theirs, who knows what I could have accomplished out in the world.  But freedom needs to be equal for us both, thank you very much!

            Back to the here and now, we'll see how living in small towns goes.  But I will say to all the women who want to get married - think about a small town!  I've had several men ask about my knowing anyone their age (okay, around here the men looking are all over 50ish) and would probably be happy with a real woman and not the pretend versions that have to stay super thin, super stupid, and super superficial!

            As I rode my bike home the other night, I saw a man and woman holding hands as they walked along.  He was normal sized, she was about three times wider from the rear view - but holding hands as they walked they were.  This warms my heart and gives me hope that when the time is right the right man will be around.  My list is rather short, but while I'd admire the women who lived with anyone to grow our various countries strong - it is still a bit longer than not married and breathing!

The War on Freedom and My 1st Fried Egg!

            As I type in the dates I am reminded by the numbers more than anything that the infamous date of 9/11 is fast approaching.  What has been termed as the War on Terror to defend our Freedom has been in actuality a War against having any Freedom at all.

            Normally, this is the point where most opinions launch into all the assaults on our freedoms and liberties that are taking place as we point fingers and lay blame on those who are around us in all their various forms and guises.  However, my purpose in this life is to focus on solutions and not just problems – so with that said what can each of us do to regain the freedoms we have so easily lost in these last ten years.

We all live in chains, do you want to let your go?

            The first and essential step is that we must WANT our Freedom.  The second is we must define what Freedom is to us individually and focus less on what we think Freedom should mean for everyone else.

        As easy as it is to use big picture ideas and metaphors I would like instead to bring it closer to home.  The reason we talk big ideas and not small ones is we’ve been told that is where their value and worthiness lies.  If I can’t save the whole world, why bother with just me alone?  This is the ultimate deception and discourager – because the ONLY place you can start is within your own mind, body, and home.

            So, back to my own home examples that while seem ridiculously simple and irrelevant but, I can assure you the vibrational power that they send out into the Universe is creating more change than every complaint, judgment, criticism, and condemnation spoken, felt, or believed.  Can I prove it?  No.  But look into your own life and ask your Self how it FEELS when you accomplish small acts of independence and Freedom.  We don’t have to understand HOW something works to do it.

I did manage to mangle it during the flip!

            Yesterday my great act of independence and Freedom was I fried my first egg on my trailer stove.  Oh brother, are you kidding is probably your first response!  The world is crumbling around us and you are writing about eating an egg?

            Yes, but it’s NOT just an egg – it is a statement of my own manifestation in finding my definition of Freedom!  This tiny egg in my tiny frying pan on my tiny stove and in my tiny trailer represents an idea that is in no way tiny!

            This egg came from a chicken that runs free all day, doing what she pleases – which as I had observed on the farm is eating and/or running from the roosters trying to jump on her back.  I’m happy to report that the girls in the chicken pack do at times get organized to keep the roosters off their backs – literally and metaphorically!

            This egg was cooked in a home I own 100%, in a space that represents to me what I want in my life, in a place where the rules are few and the dues are manageable.  I am free to move away at any time and for any reason.

            This egg represents that I can feed myself what I want – food that is not raised inhumanely nor with chemicals and additives I don’t want to ingest any more.  This egg represents nutrition to build and regenerate my body and brain so that I can get up this day and continue my work to bring Freedom to this world. 

            This egg represents Freedom from hunger, one of the biggest issues facing people in this world.  When our individual lives are chaotic, insecure, and unable to provide us with the very essentials of food, water, shelter, and safety – things like seeking Freedom and Truth take a BIG Back Seat!!!

            So you see, this one tiny egg is much more than a quick bite to eat and then on to more important things.  Rather, it is a moment to fully engage in my own success of achieving my dream of Freedom for my Self in this moment.  And while many are not ready to believe we create the world around us with the vibrational energy we extend from our mind, heart, and spirit – all three in me are sending out with joy, hope and exaltation – I love my Freedom!!!

            It not the egg itself, the act of frying and eating it, or even the ideas it represents that are the purpose of my existence.  Rather, it is the idea of Freedom that I have used the egg to represent that is the goal.  That is how the big picture ideas become made manifest in this world – one tiny chicken and egg at a time and no, it doesn’t matter which came first for this to really work!

          Here's to farm fresh eggs and Freedom!!!!

My NON-Labor Day!

            It’s another Monday and while most are celebrating it as Labor Day, it occurred to me I’ve finally found my moment of a very NON Labor type of day!  What I mean is that for the last several years and then some, life has been about trying to find a way to be in life without all the labor it seems to involve!

            For the last year and a half, my life was cranked up in intensity with every passing month of letting more and more go, from my beloved dog Rocky to my house and finally to almost everything I owned.  But letting go is rarely anything but labor intensive.  I had to find homes for the stuff.  I had to make peace with the losses of what my old life was.  And, I had to go up and down stairs, carry boxes, hold sales, drive to and unload at the dump more times than I could count!  Then there was cleaning, organizing, paperwork, details, and getting ready for the next move out and away in the trailer.

            Each time I thought I’d had my hardest day, I found another one that was equal or worse.  The dream was a moment in time in my future of when my days would consist of what I wanted, valued, and cherished and did not consist of what I felt obligated to, responsible for, or imprisoned by.

            This morning as I woke up to a spectacular sunrise, nestled in my very comfortable bed, surrounded by my beautiful cats I realized that all my “to do’s” would take about 10 minutes and the rest of my time was my own.  Yes, there is PLENTY I could put on a to do list and no, I’m not off the hook for all responsibilities – I still have the drudgery of getting established in a new state, and so on…but really, I’m right where I have longed to be – plenty of time for Spirit, God, Life, Beauty, Joy, Peace, and only the amount of responsibility I want for now.

            It then occurred to me that this was my transition moment.  I had gone from the deconstruction of my old life, to the recovery in between, to now facing forward as I created a life I want – not one I think I should have or was told by the world I need to have. And the idea of a labor free type of future (for the time being) sounds really, really good!

            I don’t know what the future will hold.  I got an email from a friend who has done what I’m doing but is a year ahead of me.  She told me she too has found nothing has gone as she planned it, but it has always taken her where she needed to be.  And to “be” was the greatest part of it all.

            In a world that says doing, going, getting, fixing, accomplishing, attaining, and on and on is the goal we all seek, the idea of time to just “be” may not sound satisfying or worthy.  How could we be created to just be and not do?  But it is only when we learn to be can we access our true creative power and for me, I needed to build a life that allowed me to be and not get distracted by all there was to do.

            I don’t know what the future holds, but for the first time in a very long time the future feels open and exciting as I acknowledge what I’ve done and what it took to get here.  I am grateful to all who helped me along the way and I am happy that for this moment I can relax and let down long enough to feel the joy, peace, and love of life and Spirit fill me up and give me the gift of everything I need in this moment.  While contentment rarely lasts, it is sweet in the moment it arrives.

           

Thank You and my First Farm!!!

 
            More progress!!!  I got my desktop up and it survived the bounce and heat and whatever else was going on in that trailer while I was driving!  So, below is the first farm video – simple, but a beginning.

            I’d like to add again my thanks to Patty and Zack for hosting me and not asking me to do too much.  I arrived a bit out of sorts and hadn’t yet acclimated to the heat – it seems they were not hot flashes but just hot!

            I did learn quite a bit in my week there – besides who could fix what on the trailer!  I learned that Patty’s form of natural horsemanship is very similar to the dog whisperer’s approach and her animals are most appreciative.  They all follow her around like one big pack – two mini horses, several chickens, a dog, and Bart the turkey (though he moves much slower than the rest!)

            I also had the information reinforced that working a farm and growing crops is not a one-year prospect.  There is a lot to learn about your soil, what the market wants to buy, and the weather to support it all – which as we all know seems to have a mind of its own this year!

            Also, thanks again to everyone who has been my friend the last 8 years in Crestline and for all your support in getting me out and over here to New Mexico.  I do miss home very much, I am a routine and structure kind of girl and it’s been hard having very little of either.  The mountains and the lake are also very much missed, there is great comfort in the familiar and all the memories that they hold.

            I am also so incredibly grateful to my mom and stepdad.  Without their love, support, and faith who knows what would have happened this last year!  And with my stepdad on speed dial ready to share his trailer and trucking experience as I lumbered across the desert – most needed and appreciated. 

            It’s only been three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime has gone by.  Just a few short hours ago exactly three weeks on that Saturday, I was crying as I said good-bye to my mom and taking off in an over weight trailer and not nearly the experience I would have like to have had in pulling one!  Then it was up a long climb in Indio where I overheated, well, things just went wrong from there!

            But, I did make it to my destination, even if it is a bit south of where I originally planned!  The best laid plans as they say….but with one farm under my belt I feel much better in knowing what to expect and am excited to keep learning as much as I can!

            As a preview here in these parts there is a wolf sanctuary, a 100% off grid earth ship that’s been built, and some spectacular scenery I’ve been promised is close by!  Now that I’ve found the video camera, unpacked the computer, and seemed to have calmed down from the frenzy of the last few weeks – we’ll see what comes next!  I hope you all stay tuned and share what you like with your friends. 

            Much love, gratitude, and blessings,

            Jill

September 2, 2011 - Advice on the Road

            I have noticed an interesting phenomenon as I’ve traveled across the states to arrive not in the place I had not planned.  It is the approach to which others seem to view my journey.  There are two main camps.  Those that acknowledge the adventure and see the possibilities and those who are quick to point out all the problems I am sure to encounter along the way.

            My first weeks were so fear filled that I am sure I attracted the negative outlooks more readily, but it is a good analogy for the way we each view life.  I know for myself I have trained my brain from years of social work and other chemical and wiring issues to look for the problems.  I can see many of them a mile away.  Sometimes this works in my favor because I can plan accordingly.  But it also works against me as law is impersonal and can only follow the vibrational stance I offer.

            Even this morning as my RV home neighbor began to pack up to get ready to pull out, he was full of advice I could do nothing about.  “You’re sure asking a lot of that Bronco pulling that trailer.  Yes, Fifth-wheels are much better than what you’ve got.  You can’t winter here in that thing, you’ll freeze to death.”  These were his comments throughout our brief conversation.

            I have already traveled the hard part of my journey, so getting a new truck and new trailer and a new hitch, none of which I can afford, really are not options for me.  And as far as life many months from now, how can I know where I’ll be at that time when I can barely keep up with what is happening right now?

            This journey has been full of advice I can’t use and at the same time spotted with encouragement I really can benefit from.  The mechanic who sang the praises of a Bronco, though he was not so enthusiastic about the life left in my trailer!  The few who got that freedom was the key to all this and not the recreation of an old life I already know how to live.

            There was a woman who stayed just one night that I am sorry I didn’t get to talk to.  I thought she was with her husband, but it turned out she was on her own.  She looked much closer to 90 than 70 and was traveling in an old RV closer to 30 feet than not.  She must have weighed all of 85 pounds as she walked across the park with her very lively little black dog.  As she pulled away, her RV made the kinds of noises that makes you cringe thinking how it could pull itself up the hill – but up into the hills was the direction she drove.

            But she was living her life without the kind of fear that I felt as I began and I wonder how she found her courage to move forward no matter what.  I wonder what kind of advice she would have given – the kind that was focused on all the things that could go wrong and that I shouldn’t do or the kind that just says go for it!

            In hindsight I really didn’t know what I was doing and it was on a wing and a prayer I got this far safely and relatively in tact.  Yes, things broke, overheated, stalled out, and were highly uncomfortable – but we all made it and we are all okay.  Besides, I have learned more in these last few weeks than in all the months I spent preparing.  It is in the journey we learn, not in the preparation.

            One of the biggest messages I got coming here was “NO ONE gets to their dreams alone.”  I’ll keep saying it over and over because it is true.  In The Course in Miracles, we are told that Relationship is the Holy Temple of God, not a place or an idea that is singular or on its own. 

            And every interaction and piece of advice is each of us in relationship with each other.  We can support the dream or try and tear it down.  That doesn’t mean we don’t help when advice is asked for, but do we really need to offer it when it’s not?

            I’ve talked a lot about the idea you can only stand in one of two places, the problem or the solution.  But without problems how would we know where to pivot to next?  Without problems what need would we have of each other to create relationship?  Problems are just the starting point, not the main point.  Problems are not what we need to look for, they will appear on their own as steps to guide us where we need to go whether we think we do or no!

            All of this is training me to be much more gracious, patient, encouraging, and open-minded as I go both with myself and with others.  Who am I to say what each of us can and can’t accomplish no matter how broken down or ill-equipped we may be?  And isn’t that really the point?  Faith is not built by avoiding what we fear but by facing it and moving forward anyways.

            We don’t get to our dreams alone and neither can we get to Truth, Love, or Heaven on our own.  Every exchange counts.  Every observation gets recorded.  Every moment is another chance to choose who we want to be in our life and the lives of all we share this world and beyond with.

September 1, 2011 - Here's what went wrong...

           Quick update as it’s almost 1pm and time to go get into the trailer torture chamber with the cats while we wait out the heat of the day!  If I don’t get the door open soon, their temperature enclosed isn’t fair to them, so we all sweat together!

            Today I took pictures of the damage so far from the trip on the trailer.  Some is fixed, some not – apparently when you bounce a few  hundred miles in a 40 year old trailer, things shake loose….hmmm maybe that is why some of my parts are all a little more south and a little more broken too?

Lost two dust cops, the mechanic added the duct tape!

            When the floor fell on the tires, the mechanic welded in a two inch piece to lift it up –that seemed to work for that section, but not the front and back end.

            When I put water in the water tank a few days ago, it started leaking in a few places.  

 I tried to fix what I could see with JB Weld Wet and a Plumbing tape that seals, but the real problem is the bottom of the tank I can’t see which is still leaking three days later.   

And lower and lower it sinks thru the floor....

Now my fear is the tank will fall through the bottom of the trailer floor – every day I check it, it is sitting lower and caving in more though most of the wood floor damage was done before my time.   

Needless to say there is only imported water inside the trailer, but luckily things do drain out without making a mess!

            Inside some of the paneling fell down and is now being held up by all the blankets I brought and may never need to use if this heat doesn’t break soon!  There are a few other minor fixes, some shelves which fell down on top of the tire and the hole where the tire broke thru (some of that hole had been there already but wasn’t nearly that big!).

Here's the hole, the wire is covering it so the cats can't get out!

            The man who fixed the shelves turns out to have built the only earth ship passive cool/heating house in town – what are the odds!  I promptly invited myself over and with him being so shy and quiet not sure if he didn’t want me to come by or not?  But he only charged me $10 for 90 minutes work plus materials – really?  I gave him quite a bit more.  My philosophy is you shouldn’t have to lose money while doing work for someone else. 

            It cost me two or three bucks just to start my truck these days, how could he ever make a profit at that rate?  But it just goes to show the kind of kindness that still lives in and around when you look for it or rather allow it to find you.

            That’s it for today – sweating is my plans for the rest of the day!  Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get an earlier start and can upload some of the first farm footage!

 Here's the rest of the pics - 

This is where it's leaking out of three days in a row!

 

 

Here's where the water should be coming out of...

Here's where he welded as is the one below.

Here's another view of the welding.