August 30, 2011 - Settling into the Sizzle

            I am officially settled for the next 28 days!  It’s funny how your idea of security and relief change as the circumstances around you shift.  When I knew I had six months to a year in the house before I’d need to leave, I never could really relax when faced with any level of uncertainty.

            On the road, huge relief that I could have even just of few hours to relax from what was coming next.  Now, 28 days sounds like an eternity of relief!  Perspective is everything.  And gratitude is right behind relief in having a place to call home where my basic needs can be met – food, shelter, water, and personal hygiene!

            So, where am I?  Buckhorn, New Mexico.  Home to I don’t know what, but the biggest city is Silver City where they claim Billy the Kid as their own (though why???) and down the road a bit is Alma? Where Geronimo was incited by the death of a family member to make his last stand.

            I am staying in an immaculate RV Park (my parents must be so proud!) where I am the youngest person there by almost 20 years.  The owners were hesitant to let me stay, hence the delay of a few days, as single women have been known to cause problems.  When I asked further, the last woman was bipolar and a bit of a handful –she had to be escorted to the nearest hospital for evaluation.  I then explained that I was the person who would have done the evaluation – not the crazy type needing one (thought that point could be debated by some!).

            A few of the older gentleman have moseyed on by to say hi to their newest tenant, even the guy on the end who I was told rarely talks to anyone more than a mumble – but he drove up in his shiny red pick-up with his tiny dog Lady to introduce himself and offer to be of help if I needed it.

            The thing I love and am most grateful for is the amount of generosity I have found.  EVERYONE offers to help in any way – well almost everyone.  I thought being from California might be a liability, but I’ve met several refugees from my home state happy to share why this area has won their hearts over and is now their home.

            The area surrounding me is still a bit green from the summer monsoon rains.  It tries to rain almost every night, but it’s hit and miss – you can often see it in the distance along with the lightening strikes.  There’s one main Highway that is quite busy for so remote an area and on each side are rolling hills.  Beyond the hills are mountains whose name I don’t know yet.  I’ve been told it doesn’t snow much around here, so not sure if snow capped peaks are part of my future or not!

            My mom asked me the other day if I was happy now that I’d arrived in almost my destination.  My answer would need to be yes.  I’m still terrified at some level, but I’m slowly finding my peace and my home in my truth again.  It comes in small moments, seeing the cats adjusting quite well – my girl cat even crawled up into my arms during my morning prayers, something we haven’t done for weeks now.  Waking up and feeling safe, contained, and comfortable in my little trailer where the evening temperatures cooled everything down and no one is sweating or sticky yet.

            My biggest accomplishment this morning was to prepare a bowl of cereal with powdered milk as I’ve finally got things to where I can wash dishes (well I could if I’d brought dishwashing soap with me!).  Tiny actions take on big meaning as I slowly find a way to build my life in this new world I’m creating around me.

            I still have a long way to go and I’m not sure where that just is yet, but I’m starting to relax and let down – hopefully enough to listen and hear what Spirit is trying to tell me instead of me trying to tell it what I think is best for all of us!

            Soon I hope to have some video footage shot and the ability to edit and post – one thing at a time, finding the camera and getting some pictures is the best I could do today!  With temps climbing to over 95 degrees inside my trailer during the day, my work time is short and my vegetated time is long – but I am finally acclimating to the heat and it turns out it wasn’t probably hot flashes that were wiping me out!

            Stay tuned there are many, many great stories to tell around here and it is my hope to begin telling them soon!

August 26, 2011 - Landed and Stranded!

            It’s been a while since I could write or update the blog site!  I’d like to say it was because I was having so much fun I just couldn’t find the time, but not exactly!  To say these last two weeks have been adventure would be an understatement!!!

            The problem with not updating daily is that too much happens and it just doesn’t do it justice to condense it all into a few small words or sentences.  I hope someday I’ll be able to properly write up what I have learned, seen, and lived – it’s hard to believe it’s only been two weeks since I left my safe, comfortable, and cool mountains in Southern California.

            Most of the time I have not had access to cell phone or internet services so that I could upload.  The other issue was when you stress level is through the roof, writing and websites are not a priority.  I did find that if you need to lose a few pounds, just take an adventure that keeps you in a constant state of terror!  The upside, is my work pants are now much looser making it easier to work in them!

            As I write this I am sitting in a new friend’s house who has been an angel in this journey.  I only met her a few days ago, but she has given me a place to sleep, shower, and check on what is happening in the world via the web.  I see the world has not become any less crazy either!

            I am currently in Buckhorn, New Mexico.  It is about 90 minutes north of the 10 highway that runs along the bottom or New Mexico.  My plan had been to stay at a farm a few miles south for a brief visit and then head to the northeast area of New Mexico, but life it seems had other plans.

            My trailer made it all the way here, but a few days into farm #1’s experience (needing its own entry!), I thought I saw a chicken on one of my wheels.  I went to go scoot it off, but instead found that the tire had pushed through the trailer and was now INSIDE the trailer, the chicken was really a piece of plastic that was the last layer between the trailer and the tire.

            Okay, now what?  Clearly I could not drive this way!  With only two buildings in town – one a coffee shop, the other a tire shop – my hope was maybe I could find some help.  The tire shop didn’t have the right set up, but both people there were determined to help me figure out what would.  I got some directions to a man they thought might be able to help me out and off I went. 

            One thing I’ve noticed when others give you directions is don’t assume you have the right ones!  I did what they said and landed at a deserted looking building, knocked, no one home…okay, now what?  So I decided to keep driving, who knows maybe the 1/8 of a mile I was told to go wasn’t quite right?

            And, it wasn’t!  More like a 1/2 mile later I did find a mechanic.  He was new to town and as the gods would have it a great all around gerry rig kind of guy.  It would take four days to find the right part (the downside of living in a remote area), but as of last night he welded the trailer up another two inches and I could drive it…however he has also pointed out several other issues that may make living in it for very long not an option.

            So, here I sit this morning, not sure where I’ll be living tonight or what comes next.  But it just may be I’ll be here a while.  I’ve still got quite a bit to fix in the trailer – mostly the gaping hole over my tire that opens into my trailer.  It’s been a challenge to keep the cats inside and all the rest of the wildlife out – though several locusts did make it inside so far!

            The hardest part has been to let go of what I think this adventure should be – to let go of plans I have made to allow for the possibility of experiencing the plans Spirit wants me to have.  It’s easy to think we know best just because we have made a list of what we should and when we should get there.

            I’ve learned SOOOO much in these last few weeks, I’m still reeling.  Mostly I’ve learned that my spiritual muscles are still in training and when crisis hits (or lack of sleep, food or shelter), my panic button still goes off instead of my faith and trust button.

            I won’t say I am not missing my mountain home or routine.  I’ve had one cup of coffee in two weeks – and my morning coffee to start the day was at the center of how I orchestrated life in the trailer – best laid plans!

            But you’ve got to say, what are the odds that my trailer breaks 1/2 mile from a guy who could fix it?  And while breaking down in Blythe, CA or Casa Grande, AZ were not real options to live there, living here for a while is not a bad thing.

            I am surrounded by hills which have mountains standing behind them.  The air is clean and clear, the clouds incredible, and the people are unbelievably friendly and helpful.  There is not much to complain about this place except the cost of driving my Bronco at 9 mpg to civilization – but civilization is way overrated!

            Once I can get settled and find my camera, I can’t wait to show you around this place!  Now I’m off to find a place to stay, wish me luck!

August 18, 2011 - life is still as we know it, sort of!

            I’m writing this in the morning, before the day has really begun or ended.  I’ve spent the last three hours trying to find my peaceful place with God again.  I’ve learned that when time allows, time is better spent finding the internal peace than trying to do tasks or take actions we believe will give us peace.  It is the best investment of time I know, though not always practical.  But for today, I have the luxury of going within to straighten up that mess before I begin again to try and straiten up the external mess around me.

            My fear is escalating this morning because tomorrow morning I have to pull out of this safe haven and enter the world again.  It is a short trip, just to my first farm about an hour away, but all the anxiety of my traveling so far is coming back with its full force.  I have been promised by others that with time this will ease as my experience will begin to substitute for the unknown.  But for now, I’ve got to take that on faith because my travel days are far fewer than most.

            As I am in this campground I am surrounded by others who are doing the same thing, clearly this is not something that is unique or should be that difficult.  However, most are pulling very new trailers with very new trucks, eliminating the problem factor by quite a bit.

            But, this isn’t meant to be a journey of convenience or transportation.  I keep reminding myself that this is a journey of building my faith and trust in the non-physical force that created this world.  I am remembering how easy it was to be calm and at peace sitting in my house with my routine and all the comforts in this world.  There was no challenge but this abstract idea that lay sometime in my future.  Well, the future is NOW as they say!

            In reading the Course this morning I turned to the section that God is the strength in which I trust, not my own.  My own causes anxiety and depression and fear – well I can confirm that!  But it also pointed something out I had forgotten, that to find God’s strength we must first confront our own frailty and vulnerability of trying to live life on our own.  I can also confirm I am feeling very frail and uncertain right about now!

            There is a difference though between trusting in God vs. abdicating all responsibility for our creative power, and that is the fine line we’ve all got to walk.  I am reminded that the more uncertain my external world, the more fear that gets generated in my internal world which in turn creates an uncertain external world.  Managing our fear is our responsibility, not God’s nor anyone else’s shoulder we may try and lay it down on.

            This journey is the perfect example of not knowing what will happen one minute to the next and finding a way to trust and be peaceful in spite of this knowledge.  Most of those here are traveling with partners and whether capable or not, there is also a level of feeling more secure when we are not alone.  Doing this on my own feels harder because there’s no one to lean on, blame, or get a helping hand – until a stranger stops and offers their assistance.

            I will say again that it is such a great and valuable gift to help those in their journey no matter how small the gesture.  This is hard.  Those I keep calling keep hearing me say this over and over.  It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be.  But there is also little reward in life or feeling of accomplishment when all we do are things that are easy.

            I am reminded again in my prayers that I need to be patient, that this life will need to unfold in its way and at its time – not mine.  I have lived a life of wanting to be “done” with the unfolding part and to get to being able to just “be.”  That is the secret we are told.  But there is no eternal moment of being as long as we are physical – there will always be demands as we live in the perception of time.

            I can confirm with absolute certainty that the less stuff you have the more you can be!  I was hoping to get that last month as I got rid of everything I owned, but clearly there is still more to let go of.  And part of what I really want to get rid of is this fear that is as time consuming and as space taking up as anything else I own!

August 17, 2011 - the last day, maybe, of life as we know it

 

            I’m here in Silver City, New Mexico at a KOA campground parked and safe and finally able to let the fear drain out for the first time since this journey began.  I arrived yesterday morning and have met a very nice man named Norm who has offered advice on my painful mistake of carrying too much stuff in an overburdening way to the truck and trailer.

            I spent yesterday settling in and today trying to figure out why I carted so much of my crap with me and in fear that my entire life will be now about stuff – wasn’t the plan to let this nightmare of too much stuff be over????  Insert loud scream of frustration here!

            But here’s the problem, I don’t know what I will actually need in these months to come.  Tomorrow has the potential to be a game changer or not, as do several other dates in the coming months.  Things I’ve brought may save my life even if for right now they’re dragging me and the truck down. 

            I found a storage unit about 30 minutes from the second farm I’m planning on going to and I’m thinking suffer the cramped quarters for the next week and then see how the coming two months unfold – worth the $50 in storage fees I think.

            Last night was also the first night I got a good amount of sleep.  I am happy to report the cats didn’t cry or complain once.  They both spent the night nestled up next to me, each picking their own sides.  It was lovely.  For all the cramped quarters, my bed/couch is wonderful with it’s pillows and familiar sights and smells of the old part of my life that was good.

            I had an interesting discussion with Norm who describes himself as a rebel or outlaw is his word.  He looks the part of motorcycle maverick from the 60’s on – long hair, bandana, and tattoo’s.  He’s lived a varied and interesting life.  We were discussing how he has adopted the outward look of the tribe he choose to follow, a tribe he says is almost gone as time and hard living has taken most of those he has known and traveled with.

            But it is an interesting point, how our outside often lets the world know who we are on the inside.  For myself, I’ve never gotten those two to meet.  I’ve never looked how I felt, nor have a found a tribe I have known as my own in this world.  I wonder how many of us are afraid of the life we long to live vs. the life we believe we should live.

            These last few years have definitely been for me the shedding of the old (though my stuff seems determined to not let go of me!) and a search for the new.  Maybe that’s why I can’t let some things go, they still might fit and there’s the knowledge now that I will never be able to replace them.  What we treasure of this world isn’t always what is financially valuable as much as it represents to the world who we really are.

            I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, nor the next day, but I do know I’ve got one more day here at the campground before I head out to the first farm.  I am hoping to finally get organized enough to get the video camera in sync with these blogs – somehow in my mind this all went much more smoothly!  Oh Well, soon I’ll find my rhythm or I’ll find a new world that will make these decisions irrelevant!

August 15, 2011 - Winding Down in Willcox

            It’s day three and my hopes and dreams are all about a boring trip with no drama!!!!  As write this I am happy to report I made my trip in one piece and the car starts and the cats even have a little room to move around (not that they aren’t still complaining).

            So I called my mom to tell her the good news of my first day of success only to find while my day went well, hers has not!  She fell last night and broke her nose and foot.  What is going on in the world???  I am happy to report she will be fine, but she’s now in a long term recovery mode after having had to handle so much loss with my leaving and her good friend dying recently.

            I am finding that as I drive so much of what I am experiencing are perfect metaphors for life.  As I approach hills (now associated with overheating and breaking down) they all seem to look much steeper right before I climb them than they really are once I’m about halfway up…much like life’s problems which always feel harder before than about halfway through them.

            Also, when trucks and cars pass me, they cause my trailer to sway around.  Much in the same way that people blow through our lives with little or no thought how they are affecting those around them.  The trucks that insist on passing me closely and with the most speed cause me the most chaos.  I send my blessings to the truckers who pass me slowly!

            And, once the trailer starts swinging around, the best course of action is really not to panic or do much.  Also good advice for problems that hit us from behind.  I’ve also learned that if I pay attention to who is driving up behind me, I can avoid most of the sway if I slow down and let them pass on by…..though we’ll see if I remember that the next time a beautiful but broken man shows up in my life!

            The only other big topic for today is that CLEARLY the rest stop designers did NOT have a woman on their planning team!  When you are dragging a trailer, you really need big open spaces you can pull through, so stopping in the city fast food joint to use the facilities isn’t much of an option.  But for those of us who need breaks for our bladders, legs, psyche’s, and older engines – TWO plus hours apart is NOT practical!  Ill admit, I barely made it today to the rest stop.  I did actually take some pictures as it had the most interesting rocks, but not sure if I’ll get those pics up today or not…sorry!

            As I write this I’m now on page four, so I think I’m done for the day.  Today has been the first day I’ve felt real hope as I go forward.  Once I cleared Tucson, the land really opened up and the big clouds filling the sky were stunning to view.  This was a lot more how I pictured this trip going.

            Tomorrow I begin the next phase of this journey.  I’ve put the first farm on a two day delay to go to a campground where a nice man named Norm has offered to help me repack my trailer so it’s loaded properly.  I didn’t really cover that whole issue with the extra and poorly distributed weight that seems to be dragging my back end of the Bronco to the ground….just hoping it gets up the hill tomorrow!

            My goal is to take everything out, try and not die of the embarrassment of how much stuff I brought that I SHOULD NOT have and then put it all back in with the added miracle of making room for me and the cats to sleep in it tomorrow night!  Stay tuned for tomorrow’s adventure!

           

August 14, 2011 - Vapor Locked in Casa Grande

            I got ready this morning and took off just as the light barely began to crack the horizon.  It wasn’t cool, but the heat wasn’t as oppressive as the night before.  What had been an empty parking lot was full at 5:00am when I was loading the truck and trailer to get ready to go.  So many people traveling without the drama, what was up?

            Today’s take off went much smoother than yesterday’s.  I made it all the way to my second destination, Casa Grande, Arizona.  It was about 200 miles, the most I think I’ll be able to do on an average day. 

            I’m learning a lot as I go and the death grip I’ve got on the steering wheel really takes a lot of energy and staring at everything around me as I try and not hit it or let it hit me takes up what energy I have left to focus with.  The complaining cats sitting next to me isn’t really helpful either!

            So, jumping ahead to the next drama, I get to my next Motel 6, go to move my truck which is parked really far from my room….and it won’t start.  Really?  I try it a little while later and still again, it won’t start.  Two more panic phone calls to my stepfather and my mechanic (who I am sure were less surprised by more problems than I was) and again they both patiently talked me through what could be wrong and what I could do.  It being Sunday, there wasn’t anyone to try and find, but like yesterday I was no more inclined to make Casa Grande my new home than I was in Blythe!  My truck really needs to work every day if this is going to work out!

            Okay, it turns out that when your gas gets too hot it “vapor locks” – when it cools down it starts, which it did about two hours later as I tried it, ready to faint if it didn’t.  Apparently all these heat related disasters to the cars used to be really common per my mom and stepdad – which spawned the thought later that so much of what we call “progress” really has caused us to pay less attention to what is going on around us.  For example, when it’s ridiculously hot – don’t drive up a hill with a trailer.  Granted I really didn’t have a choice, but I sure could have made better arrangements!

            So after another cool down moment of relief, I was finally able to eat something which was one of my favorite comfort foods – cheese enchiladas, thank you to whoever cooked them!

            Also, two more insights I want to share.  First, NO ONE gets to their dreams alone.  I am SOOOO aware how the slightest support from others makes a huge difference.  Even the check in girl broke the rules a bit by giving me the handicap room because it was the only clean one on the first floor – or she thought I might be handicapped based on the wild and frantic look I presented with!

            Second, remember to bring your compassion to all the men, women, and children who are struggling to protect their families and animals.  When I was causing such distress to my cats – who are my children really – my heart went out to all those who struggle to protect those who they love.  There are SO many people who have so few resources or options to prevent the suffering of those they love, it really made me realize the gifts so many of us could offer in so many ways.

            I am able to slow this trip down and stay in air-conditioned motel rooms as I putt putt across this desert.  But many don’t have these luxuries.  When the family with the girls was watching my cats, their mother mentioned they didn’t have any food and I was SO happy I had brought snacks with me I could share.  By the way, the case of water I had in the car which had seemed foolish at the time turned out to be the best item to bring after all – between sweating out gallons of stress and my radiator overflowing!!!

            Day two is down, and day three is soon to be on the horizon….

August 13, 2011 - Burning up in Blythe

            I’m writing this all down two days later, but want to get it while it’s fresh!  Saturday was the first leg of the new adventure!  Getting out was hard.  Saying good-bye to my mom was tearful and sad, but life is moving me forward….at least that was the plan!

           

            It began with the RV lot owner pointing out I didn’t have my trailer hitch down all the way.  If I had left like that, well, I wouldn’t be here I’d be back in California!  Thanking the very nice man for pointing out this lifesaving fact, the hitch got connected and I was off!

            My original plan was to leave at 8:00am, but it was much closer to 9:00am.  The reason this is important was my very tight timeframe to get to the town of Blythe by 11:00am in which I would still be south of 100 degrees!  Well, not so!!!!

            There is a 10 mile hill after Indio (the last place to stop before Blythe) and just at the top is a rest area.  I made it up the hill with the temperature gauge still short of overheating, stopped at the rest area, tried to use the restroom (details I will spare you!), and came out to see the lovely florescent green liquid streaming from out of my engine and onto the ground!

            I had just seen that same scenario a week earlier when my water pump had broken and I had to replace it.  This wasn’t good!  When I opened the hood the overflow tank was literally boiling up and out!  Another very nice man stopped over to tell me he didn’t think anything was broken, but I had just overheated.  That would be best, because now I can’t find my cell phone….not the auspicious start I was hoping for!

            I took the cats out of the truck and as luck (?) would have it for me (not for her) a nice woman with her two daughters and mother were sitting in the shade because their radiator had broken too.  Her two lovely daughters were very happy to see the cats, so I had two babysitters while on to fixing this problem!

            I am very blessed because I’ve got two very good car/rescue me sources.  I called both my mechanic (who thought he was free of me when I drove away – hah!) and my stepfather.  Both talked me through what to do and how to do it.  In the meantime, I kidnapped another man fixing his broken car to double check mine.  He wasn’t sure about my car, but a little while later I saw he’d been rerouted to the other families vehicle where a full blown repair job was going on!  I’m sure he never thought he’d be stuck in the desert fixing stranded women’s cars and not his own!   (side bar:  great money making opportunity at the top of steep and hot inclines!)

            Anyways, eventually I go on my way thinking the worst was done – hah!  Blythe was two hours away for those who could drive faster than 50mph tops, so for me, much longer.  The heat kept going up, the cats crying kept getting louder, and my anxiety and fear kept increasing with each passing minute and degree of heat.

            I’ll be honest, I was SO stressed I barely noticed the 107+ heat in the car, but the cats were panting and in a lot of distress.  I bordered and beyond the hysterical mark not able to tell what was sweat and what was tears.  The only requirement of this trip was not to hurt or kill the cats and I was very, very close to doing big damage to them at any moment.  This could NOT be God’s plan for me!

            I cried, prayed, and felt myself far, far away from the joyful, peaceful place where this plan had originated.  But, clouds did cover the sun and finally the blight that is called Blythe rose out of the horizon with the most beautiful Motel 6 sign I’d ever seen.

            I got the cats out and onto their new transport dolly (pictures soon) and headed straight for the air conditioned lobby.  Relief, tears of joy, and looking like a maniac as I gushed all over the very young and very not interested boy manning the desk of my joy and relief that I had made it with everyone alive.

            The level of relief was drastic at that moment, but was soon replaced with the terror of having to do all this again tomorrow.  It’s not the fear of driving the trailer, it’s just the fear of everything that can go wrong and how vulnerable I felt.  I never was able to eat that day with the knot of terror in my tummy holding court all day and then most of the next.

            I’d like to say I slept, but that didn’t really happen either.  The alarm clock went off and it was time to do it all over again…