I’m writing this in the morning, before the day has really begun or ended. I’ve spent the last three hours trying to find my peaceful place with God again. I’ve learned that when time allows, time is better spent finding the internal peace than trying to do tasks or take actions we believe will give us peace. It is the best investment of time I know, though not always practical. But for today, I have the luxury of going within to straighten up that mess before I begin again to try and straiten up the external mess around me.
My fear is escalating this morning because tomorrow morning I have to pull out of this safe haven and enter the world again. It is a short trip, just to my first farm about an hour away, but all the anxiety of my traveling so far is coming back with its full force. I have been promised by others that with time this will ease as my experience will begin to substitute for the unknown. But for now, I’ve got to take that on faith because my travel days are far fewer than most.
As I am in this campground I am surrounded by others who are doing the same thing, clearly this is not something that is unique or should be that difficult. However, most are pulling very new trailers with very new trucks, eliminating the problem factor by quite a bit.
But, this isn’t meant to be a journey of convenience or transportation. I keep reminding myself that this is a journey of building my faith and trust in the non-physical force that created this world. I am remembering how easy it was to be calm and at peace sitting in my house with my routine and all the comforts in this world. There was no challenge but this abstract idea that lay sometime in my future. Well, the future is NOW as they say!
In reading the Course this morning I turned to the section that God is the strength in which I trust, not my own. My own causes anxiety and depression and fear – well I can confirm that! But it also pointed something out I had forgotten, that to find God’s strength we must first confront our own frailty and vulnerability of trying to live life on our own. I can also confirm I am feeling very frail and uncertain right about now!
There is a difference though between trusting in God vs. abdicating all responsibility for our creative power, and that is the fine line we’ve all got to walk. I am reminded that the more uncertain my external world, the more fear that gets generated in my internal world which in turn creates an uncertain external world. Managing our fear is our responsibility, not God’s nor anyone else’s shoulder we may try and lay it down on.
This journey is the perfect example of not knowing what will happen one minute to the next and finding a way to trust and be peaceful in spite of this knowledge. Most of those here are traveling with partners and whether capable or not, there is also a level of feeling more secure when we are not alone. Doing this on my own feels harder because there’s no one to lean on, blame, or get a helping hand – until a stranger stops and offers their assistance.
I will say again that it is such a great and valuable gift to help those in their journey no matter how small the gesture. This is hard. Those I keep calling keep hearing me say this over and over. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be. But there is also little reward in life or feeling of accomplishment when all we do are things that are easy.
I am reminded again in my prayers that I need to be patient, that this life will need to unfold in its way and at its time – not mine. I have lived a life of wanting to be “done” with the unfolding part and to get to being able to just “be.” That is the secret we are told. But there is no eternal moment of being as long as we are physical – there will always be demands as we live in the perception of time.
1 comment:
Hi Jill, I'm enjoying your blog. Keep your chin up! Thanks for sharing your adventures so far. I'll be looking forward to vids & pix once you are able to upload some. Hugs to the kitties!
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