Below 32 Degrees on the Inside

            As part of my learning about the limits and needs of life in the trailer I've become obsessive (just a bit though) about the temperature - both inside the trailer and outside.    What I've learned is it's more like camping in a tent than it is living in a house.  I've done both, house living and tent camping, but in each I had a different set of expectations.  In the trailer I wasn't sure what to expect, but so far I haven't had to test the limits of comfort and of safety…until now.

            I'm writing this before I have to face my next fear.  So far it's not been below the 20's on the outside and I've maintained at least low 40's on the inside.  But tomorrow night it's going to drop closer to zero than not - and that is freaking me out just a bit.

            What I've learned so far is that I really should have paid closer attention to improving and maximizing insulation all around, minimizing air leaks, and choosing materials that gave me the most bang for my buck - not just were cheapest and looked pretty!

            I've been able to improvise a bit here on the road, but to do any real improvements would require way more work and money and time and tools than I have or want to do…so, it will be a good test tomorrow night to see just how much cold I can live with - literally.

            In my trailer - with no one else to compare it to - I average about a 10-15 degree difference inside and outside with no contributing factors.  If I face full sun and open all the drapes, the temperature can go as high as 25 degrees or more warmer.  If I run a heater I've been able to get at least a 30 degrees warmer improvement.  In the summer heat if I opened everything to airflow and minimum shading, I could run dead even with inside to outside temperatures.  On nice days - all this is irrelevant.

            But I want to go back to the fear - because that is the more important part, not the perceived facts.  The fear is not really about me, it's about creating harm or suffering to my cat.  She's shorthaired and seems to get cold at about 60 degrees.  I keep telling her to grow more hair, but so far, I don't see it.

            But then underneath that I realized there was another level of fear or sadness or guilt or, well, shame.  I am cold and I am in a shelter.  Outside there are a lot of people and animals that are cold without shelter.  Now that I can feel the cold on my skin and the consequences on my cat's fur - well, it's a lot more real when I see someone living on the street or a dog with no shelter or way to protect itself from the cold.

            Living on the street is not as straightforward as we want to think.  As a social worker I can tell you story after story about why it's not easy to fix.  But these last few years have produced a level of homelessness that is different.  But I don't think it's just about evil banking cartels or narcissistic politicians or under funded social service agencies.

            No, I believe it is deeper and more profound.  I believe it is time to feel the effects of who we have been in this country - indifferent to the welfare of those that are alive.  Our focus on stuff, money, power, fame, status is now reaping the results with the idols we sought being confiscated by the banks that temporarily gave us money to buy them.

            As a society, most of us never really thought about the consequences of consumerism, materialism, greed, and indifference as we glazed over in front of televisions and ate food that contained chemicals and just lost our will to be creative and live a human life connected to the experience of life itself.

            Nothing wakes you up faster to what is valuable in the life experience than to be cold, hungry, alone, and afraid…nothing.

             It is easy to point fingers of judgment with the belief that those who are hungry and cold deserve it for their failure to play the corporate game.  It is easy to turn a blind eye and remain glazed over.  But it is not easy when you are in the middle of the experience you once judged or ignored.  No, it's not easy at all.

            I know how to get out of this situation - but I want to be here because I like the challenge of learning my limits and solving new problems and getting stronger as a human in this world.

            But most - or maybe all - don't know how to change their situation.  They just know they don't want it.  But from this place of pain and suffering is coming desire - desire to be warm, to have good food, to be safe, and to want to live again.

            And desire is the spark that lights the flame of creation in this Universe and World.  Change must happen first at the level of Cause, meaning what you think, want, feel, and desire.  I believe that even though there are many who don't know why these things have happened to them at this level of their ego awareness, their spirit knew exactly what would happen when they chose to come here.

            I believe those we may judge and dismiss as societal failures are really powerful beings who said, "yes, I can do this" and came into this world knowing it might be scary and uncomfortable - but their contribution to us all would be powerful and mighty.

            Now when I see someone who is homeless I say instead "Thank you my brother or sister."  I bless them, see them as powerful spirits, and trust that to them this is no sacrifice but rather their gift to us all as we try and find a new way to live in this world together - to build a new world in which no one wins until everyone wins.

            I'll let you know soon how life is close to zero - but it feels less scary now that I've named the guilt that was my fear.  No, it doesn't feel okay to have anyone suffer and it is still my desire to continue to build a new world in which no one will…but first, we must want a world in which no one suffers and to do that we must look at what we have created and choose again….