Today there is sunshine. There was very little yesterday and there is to be very little tomorrow. But, today there is sunshine. That's not really much of a challenge here where I am staying. I am in southern New Mexico where sunshine is much more the norm than the exception. I need the sun today and I am glad that today there is sunshine.
It has been a sad few days here in my tiny trailer. My boy cat is very sick and our little family is now in a kind of suspended place, waiting for him to decide to stay or go. While clouds have been more representative of how I feel, gloomy and sad, it is good to have this break where light and warmth will be with us for a while.
He is much more peaceful than I am. Each morning I wake and reach under the bed where he stays to see if he is still with us. This morning it occurred to me it is my discomfort that I am wanting to end more than he is really having. It is my judgment that causes my discomfort and lack of peace, my judgment that his time to go must come quickly and painlessly - but who am I to judge his letting go process? He is in no distress and spending his day much the way he has for the 15 years he has been with me.
I thought this morning about my own letting go processes - the last being the move away from my home and everything I know and owned. I talked about it for years before I actually did it. Sometimes letting go requires time to adjust, to appreciate what we are letting go of, and for finishing up old business.
I also thought about how this earth is letting go of her old version of self to birth a new version. This is really the same is it not? The death must come first for the new to be born again. I've wondered why more has not happened sooner, more changes, more loss, more destruction, more evidence of what is happening. But maybe the Earth is moving more slowly also - after all there is a lot to let go of. A lot of history has been lived in this version of her life. Maybe she just needs some more time to adjust, appreciate, and to finish up old business. Who am I to judge?
It is hard in these times of a physical loss and death to remember we are not our bodies and this world is not our home. I know that my cat is not dying, just leaving this version of self to return to his true Self where he is happy and whole and without illness or loss. I've been talking with his Higher Self or Spirit - whichever name makes sense to each of us - and that Self is only filled with love and appreciation for the time we have had here together. It is only my grief and loss and sadness that are real, he is going home, it is me that is staying behind.
This cat is my longest relationship with an animal. He has been with me for much of my own transition - he came at the very beginning of the losses and the changes that have shaped and molded me from who I was to who I now am. Much of his life was not very fulfilling - his fear was tremendous of my last dog. But this last year has been good for him, the move and all. He has found the freedom to come out from under the bed and spend time with us and with the light of day….though now that we have lived in such close quarters I see he does most of his living at night!
2 comments:
I am sorry for what you are going through right now. All the words you say are exactly right, it's our letting go that is the hardest. I too believe that his spirit lives. But it's so damn hard on us! Hugs, I'll say a little prayer for his blessings.
Thank you for your kind words. He's gone now, but I am grateful he is at peace now.
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