Death has been something I have had a lot of up close experience with in my life. I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved and many I just cared deeply about. Professionally I have held the hands, looked into the eyes, and cradled the tiny in my arms as they have all left this world. Personally I have done this also.
Death is hard. It just is. And, there is no escape from it. It's grip will tighten on everyone's heart someday.
But I am noticing something different this last year. Death seems to be speeding up its presence. And not just in my own life, but in many around me. As we approach this time of transition in our world, I find myself asking if people are choosing to go because their part is done? Or, are they choosing to go because they don't want to face what their part may be?
When I was working in the emergency room and the doctor would be notifying a family their loved one had just died, it was my job to translate and assist and support. It was a very revealing experience.
Most doctors didn't want to use the word dead, so they would talk about it in the abstract or just be so vague I would have to look at the family and ask what they just heard. Or, in worst cases, have to tell them after the doctor ran out of the room that their family member was dead.
It was also fascinating to watch the children. The ones under twelve or so were rarely sure what to do or how to react. They would observe what the adults would do and then mimic them. To see a five year old child be fine one minute, look around and see others crying hysterically, and then begin to do the same showed so clearly how we are programmed to react to the news of death.
The worst was when families just went wild. Since it was an emergency room, there were always many others who were having their own issues and so death was no longer a private experience for just that family. Some would get violent and angry, others understood, and a host of other reactions.
Sudden death is often harder. There is no time to prepare or say good bye or try and do something to make everyone feel better. It leaves you hanging and all too often filled with guilt over the last conversation or interaction. There is no closure that the dying process can offer.
What is the point of all this death talk? I am not sure. A friend of our family is dying as I write this. He was like a father to me when I was a teenager. I don't see him as much, but he is still very close to my mother. She is taking it very hard.
But I also hear in her voice the strain the living feel when they are not doing to well either. There comes a time, a moment for many when the will to live is just too hard in the face of what it would take to keep going. She is not ready for death, but I doubt her ability to face the coming losses of those she loves and the amount of change the world will be soon plunged into - if they haven't already found themselves there.
If I could give advice about death to the living it would be this. Just show up. Don't wait for the person dying to ask for help or the people around them to invite you to help them either. Help with the daily stuff - cleaning, cooking, walking the dog, driving the kids around. In the trauma of grief it is hard to function and one of the greatest gifts you can offer to someone who is dying or grieving is the gift of functioning so they don't have to.
And then, just listen. No one wants advice, trust me. There are no words that have any real value. Just sit there, be quiet and listen. No one who is grieving cares about what ever you think is important to you - and I promise you it is not important at that moment. However, I fear the ability to listen is a lost art in today's world.
Lastly, when you leave or get off the phone, go outside and feel the sun, breathe the air, smell a flower. Grief is heavy energy and you need to discharge it. Feeling sad or sorrow is of no assistance to anyone. But it is hard to avoid the heaviness of grief and it is vital to let it go from your own energy field.
I write this also because I have a feeling there will be a lot more death coming to our world very soon. I have not been up close to the natural disasters or the wars, but I am very aware of the number of others choosing to leave this world behind. Soon I believe, the numbers will be so catastrophic that those who live will be numbed beyond their ability to cope. It is good to begin to prepare now.
Death is scary for the living because they lose something they want. But death in and of itself is not a problem for those who have died. Death is not something that can happen to us by chance or randomly - and death is not anything but letting this body go and remembering we are only spirit.
Jill
jillelizabeth.net
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