Saying Good Bye

             Death has been something I have had a lot of up close experience with in my life.  I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved and many I just cared deeply about.  Professionally I have held the hands, looked into the eyes, and cradled the tiny in my arms as they have all left this world.  Personally I have done this also.

             Death is hard.  It just is.  And, there is no escape from it.  It's grip will tighten on everyone's heart someday.

            But I am noticing something different this last year.  Death seems to be speeding up its presence.  And not just in my own life, but in many around me.  As we approach this time of transition in our world, I find myself asking if people are choosing to go because their part is done?  Or, are they choosing to go because they don't want to face what their part may be?

            When I was working in the emergency room and the doctor would be notifying a family their loved one had just died, it was my job to translate and assist and support.  It was a very revealing experience.

            Most doctors didn't want to use the word dead, so they would talk about it in the abstract or just be so vague I would have to look at the family and ask what they just heard.  Or, in worst cases, have to tell them after the doctor ran out of the room that their family member was dead.

            It was also fascinating to watch the children.  The ones under twelve or so were rarely sure what to do or how to react.  They would observe what the adults would do and then mimic them.  To see a five year old child be fine one minute, look around and see others crying hysterically, and then begin to do the same showed so clearly how we are programmed to react to the news of death.

            The worst was when families just went wild.  Since it was an emergency room, there were always many others who were having their own issues and so death was no longer a private experience for just that family.  Some would get violent and angry, others understood, and a host of other reactions.

            Sudden death is often harder.  There is no time to prepare or say good bye or try and do something to make everyone feel better.  It leaves you hanging and all too often filled with guilt over the last conversation or interaction.  There is no closure that the dying process can offer.

            What is the point of all this death talk?  I am not sure.  A friend of our family is dying as I write this.  He was like a father to me when I was a teenager.  I don't see him as much, but he is still very close to my mother.  She is taking it very hard.

            But I also hear in her voice the strain the living feel when they are not doing to well either.  There comes a time, a moment for many when the will to live is just too hard in the face of what it would take to keep going.  She is not ready for death, but I doubt her ability to face the coming losses of those she loves and the amount of change the world will be soon plunged into - if they haven't already found themselves there.

            If I could give advice about death to the living it would be this.  Just show up.  Don't wait for the person dying to ask for help or the people around them to invite you to help them either.  Help with the daily stuff - cleaning, cooking, walking the dog, driving the kids around.  In the trauma of grief it is hard to function and one of the greatest gifts you can offer to someone who is dying or grieving is the gift of functioning so they don't have to.

            And then, just listen.  No one wants advice, trust me.  There are no words that have any real value.  Just sit there, be quiet and listen.  No one who is grieving cares about what ever you think is important to you - and I promise you it is not important at that moment.  However, I fear the ability to listen is a lost art in today's world.

            Lastly, when you leave or get off the phone, go outside and feel the sun, breathe the air, smell a flower.  Grief is heavy energy and you need to discharge it.  Feeling sad or sorrow is of no assistance to anyone.  But it is hard to avoid the heaviness of grief and it is vital to let it go from your own energy field.

            I write this also because I have a feeling there will be a lot more death coming to our world very soon.  I have not been up close to the natural disasters or the wars, but I am very aware of the number of others choosing to leave this world behind.  Soon I believe, the numbers will be so catastrophic that those who live will be numbed beyond their ability to cope.  It is good to begin to prepare now.

            Death is scary for the living because they lose something they want.  But death in and of itself is not a problem for those who have died.  Death is not something that can happen to us by chance or randomly - and death is not anything but letting this body go and remembering we are only spirit.

            Death is hard.  It just is.  But it is a wound that will heal when you choose healing.  And death is an opportunity to be a friend as friends were meant to be - that means showing up not to see what you can get from someone, but only what you can give.  

Jill
jillelizabeth.net 

The Best of Times

            There's something I've been noticing more and more lately.  It's the idea that everyone seems to want something from me, all the time.  Hello is not just hello, it's waiting to see if there is an opening to ask for more.  An email is not to say hi, but to sell or "network" or scam.

            I had to go and run errands today and as much as I dislike entering into the thick of the "city" to do this, I try and remember my purpose is to see the good in everyone.  I saw an older gentleman sitting on a park bench with an oxygen tank on my way to enter a store and I looked him in the eyes and said hello.  That's another thing, eye contact has been replaced by screen contact on the various tecno devices.

            Anyways, he said hello back and then launched into his story and could I give him money on my way out.  Deep sigh.  Now I would have to pass him on the way back to my car and make a choice, give money or say not today.  The Course says give your brother what he is asking for as long as no one gets hurt, but everyone seems to be asking all the time….

            On my way out, after having shopped for longer than I would have liked, I could feel that clutching in my chest, the hope he would be gone by now and I could just walk to my car.  But, he saw me and I just looked at him and told him I was sorry, not today.  Then guilt plagued me for the next ten minutes, and even now as I write this, but isn't the greatest gift I can give my brother to see him whole and happy?

            I wondered as I drove away if I had gone up to him and asked if he would like me to assist him in healing his body right then and there.  But I've worked with so many like him, that is not a choice that even gets considered.  He would have just assumed I was crazy or, like many I've also known, gotten angry that I didn't give him what he wanted instead of what he needed.

            That's the problem with miracles and healing - you can't get one unless you want it.  And, for so many, the miracle would create a level of personal responsibility and identity that is in contrast to the way humans have learned to see themselves.

            I know that as the economy continues to shrink and money becomes harder to get and worth less, this trend will continue.  I can feel the panic growing more intense every day.  Sell, sell, sell - I don't have time to talk or listen, if you're not going to buy what I am selling, I need to move on and quickly….  That's the message that is being given.

            But if we are all drowning in the same problem, how will stepping on each other to climb up really solve anything?  Won't it just buy a little more time in the game?

            God did not create us to buy and sell to get things.  The buying and selling is really just an excuse to be in relationship with each other.  We've lost the point and made money our god, and not God our Source and provider.  How does anyone really think this is going to end?  God loses and money wins?

            There is a song that has been playing on the radio lately, I think it's called "The worst of times" or something close to that.  But in it the man and woman are struggling with the outside world of work and money, but eventually they find their way back to each other and discover how much love they have to give - abundantly.

            Doesn't this seem like the more likely solution?  To discover that we need each other more than we need to have more money than we can really use?  Yes, this lesson is hard and yes, many of us are doing with much less - I know I am.  But, I have also never been happier, more content, and felt more powerful.

            Money is not my God, nor is it my Shepard - it is just a tool that will be provided when I need it.  And you my dearest brother and sister, it is you I came here to be in relationship with - not your money or what I think you have to give me that I lack. 

            This will soon be for many, the best of times as we remember who we are and why we came and find each other as we lift up our eyes and open our hearts.

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Clothes to stay or go?

            Finally, a break in the weather!  It's now officially warm enough outside to be called too warm, which means it is okay to paint.  Painting has been the big hold up for the last two weeks of weather limiting factors.

            But today, I'm not going to thrill you with talk of painting panels - did your expectations just drop in a disappointed bombshell?  Hah!  I know, painting the panels is even more boring than talking about them…

            No, today I want to talk about yesterday's installment of the leaving it all behind adventure.  Clothes.  Yesterday I sorted through what was left of all my clothes. 

            Now, men reading this will be even more bored than a panel painting discussion, but women - YOU will get this!

            Clothes are such a part of our lives.  I measured the space I will have to fit my clothes into - 24 inches to hang, two shelves to store.  Are you kidding?  I've got enough socks and underwear to fill up the entire space alone!  That is not even beginning the sorting of the many sizes we as women collect over the years or the many occasions that we are required to dress for:  work, fancy work, after work, play, cleaning, working out, going out with the girls, going out with a boy, sleeping, lounging, comfort clothing, dog clothing, outside adventure clothing, inside adventure clothing….the list is endless!

            And, to make it even more difficult, I've got to plan a four season wardrobe - how do I do that with all my coats taking up more space than the entire back of my truck???  This is going to be hard!

            So, to prepare, I began trying on each piece of clothing to decide:  take, give away, store, throw away.  But I also sorted through those clothes we hold on to that we never wear.  You know the dress for the date we never had.  The special underwear that were always more trouble than they were worth.  The fancy bra's and leggings that sounded good at the time, but were entirely impractical?  The super cute outfit I never wore because it might get dirty.

            After way too many hours of all of that, what was I left with?  Two bags to donate and about 8-plus feet of hanging clothing….clearly this wasn't going well.  But, I did try everything on which was a huge beginning!  I need to mention that over the years I've given away already most of what I had owned, but I still have held on to too much.

            More than the clothes themselves, I realized how many incarnations I've been through.  The different jobs, the different moods and styles, the different values.  I knew I was getting old when I began to opt for comfortable shoes over style.  I knew I was in trouble when I only owned one pair of uncomfortable heels.  I knew that life was over when I decided jeans and boots could take me anywhere heels and a skirt could.

            I'll have to see how it goes when it is actually time to pack.  My plan is to practice with what I have still left out and see what fits the bill - the rest will need to find a new home.  It is a different way of looking at life thinking I won't be able to most likely run out and buy what I need - it will be too far away and may be unavailable as our world gets more and more shaken awake with what is coming.

            But, it was a good day's work and is just one more necessary step in letting this old world and life go.  As an added irony though, I've worn the same outfit for most of the last three weeks every day!  I have a painting outfit - all paint, all the time…and wearing one outfit has been really easy, simple, and taken all the guess work out of the day!  If only every day could be a painting outfit day….wait, it has been…

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Tuesday's To Do's

           Well, I thought yesterday was windy!!!  So far the weather has been my constant frustration.  Snow, wind, rain, fog, drizzle, and more have kept me from my now imminent tasks of getting moved out and on.  The calendar, bank, and reality however, have not taken any time off.  Time is ticking and regardless of the weather, deadlines are looming.

            For those who understand that deadlines are essential for real progress, this isn't the end of the world.  But there comes a moment when the pressure of the deadline than isn't enough when there is more to do than time to do it.

            I feel like I am here.  So, as I awoke at 3:00 am this morning overwhelmed with how much there is to do and so little time to do it in, I waited to rise and begin.  But in the waiting I also found some peace, again.

            This entire process of deconstructing my old life to begin a new life has been like the proverbial see saw….up and down, back and forth.  But what has been different in this journey than many of the others is that instead of giving in to the fear, I'm choosing to find my way out.  And, (here's the main point), I am.  Fear is not helpful or productive, so why give it my time, energy, and focus?  Sounds logical, but it is actually harder than it seems it should be!

            So, while the weather is doing nothing to assist my in meeting my looming deadline, it is offering me a chance to have more faith in the unseen than in the seen, trust in the timing I can't control more than what I can, and patience with what seems like slow progress but is really just what it is.

            Today's to do list is longer than one human could accomplish in any given day.  But I'm up early and ready to begin.  So the question I'll send back at you is what can you choose to do without the fear it will get done?

            Fear contracts and makes less - including our time, energy, and focus.  Fear may serve to start the fire burning, but moving forward is what will keep the flame alive - not staring at it wishing you had more time or wishing it was already done.

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

What Not To Do...

The best advice comes from those who have paved the way before us and learned the hard way what not to do.  Case in point, when vaccuming out a confined space with a shop-vac that blows air out while you suck dirt in, don't sweep and clean all other areas first.

In my never ending trailer project I discovered one of those "you are kidding me" kind of things.  Hidden away behind shelving and darkness I discovered a hole above my wheel and thus all the dirt the roads it had ridden on inside my trailer walls where it had crusted and caked beyond my reach.

Shop-vac to the rescue!  Until I happened to notice the fine layer of now reddish dust that was settling over the entire interior of the trailer, a fair distance outside of it, and more than I preferred up my nose despite the mask I was wearing.  

How is this relevant to my bigger project, the spiritual quest to build the new world?  Just a few days earlier I had the same experience in my mind that I had today with my trailer.  Oh, you mean I hadn't been able to see that next thing that was blocking my progress due to the old and crusty dirt hidden away?  That can also read, guilt and anger.

The advice?  Don't assume you've ever got all the dirt cleaned out - it's much easier to assume that cleaning out the dark and dank places is never ending.  Oh, and do the dirtiest task first or you'll have to re-clean everything else that you've now covered in old dust ( beliefs would do there nicely too).

Tomorrow, more cleaning and this time I'm starting on top, not in the middle, and working my way down.  

How do I love thee if you don't need me?

 

            It's another Monday.  This is the day that most signifies new beginnings to me.  I started off with a bang and actually got up and hiked the most difficult path close to my home.  I found myself blessed with the sights and sounds of winters escape in the roar of a spring that crossed my path.

            The last section of this particular hike is a VERY steep uphill climb that even on my most physically fit and conditioned day makes my heart want to leap out of my chest.  Today, on a very deconditioned and unphysically fit day, I made it up.  I felt like I could do anything, there is such power in the accomplishment of a challenge.

            I then went to my next activity, which is my time with God.  This morning was particularly powerful as I sought the answer to the question "how do we love if no one needs anything from us?"

            The deeper part of this idea is that as a woman, much of our focus on loving others is to help and take care of those we love.  But how do we love another who doesn't need us?  How do we give love to someone that is healthy and happy as they are?  Almost every role we have as women is one in which we are the caretakers of another.

            In looking for my answer I came across a section in A Course in Miracles which describes God's relationship to us.  It states that God created us to share in its happiness.  In fact, the entire purpose of our relationship was to make happy - and nothing else.  But we are also told that God gave us everything the moment we were created.

            Which leads me back to the question, how do we love someone who doesn't need anything from us and we don't need anything from them?  In our quest to love, so often we assume that the focus of our attention either lacks something we can give them or we lack something they can give us.  But what does love look like with two whole individuals, neither needing anything?

            I then was blessed with one of those amazing God moments that really knocked me off my center.  My Monday now feels like an ending, not a beginning.  I have no desire to really go and do anything because I feel like I already have everything I need. 

            In addition, I think the only answer I can find to this question is when I think about my relationship with my animals.  They don't love me because I am missing something they think they can give me.  They just love me because I'm the only one sitting next to them in that moment.  They love me just because I am.  And that brings both them and me great joy - because I feel the same way, I just love them because they are…and that's enough.

            Yes, there are moments when we as humans need each other.  Sometimes we need each other a lot, others not at all.  But love is something that really just is.  The truth of love gets lost when we try and force it into a specific act or ask it to wear a label that doesn't belong to it.

            When The Course tells me that the purpose of a relationship is "to make happy," I know that can go one of two ways.  Either I believe that there is something you must do so that I can be happy with you OR you need do nothing and I am happy because you don't need anything at all.

            As a woman my role in this world gets confusing when I try and view myself as not my role as caretaker, mother, wife, parent, friend.  Who am I without these labels?  What is a relationship in which we are both whole and complete really like?  How do I love another who doesn't need anything from me?  Can I?

            Just a few questions to think about on this Monday morning!

Jill

jillelizabeth.net