Well, I've already missed my goal of writing daily. I do write in my private journal everyday and have for most of the last 32 years. But not here and that was my small goal. While I've already had the guilt fest on my own, I'd like to take this opportunity to look at what the purpose of wanting consistency actually is.
These last 3 days have been busy and in all honesty, writing here isn't a part of each day's immediate goal. However, writing here is part of a long term goal, so how do we chose each day which set of goals to meet? Do short term or long term goals take priority? If I don't meet my short term goal, what happens? If I don't do the steps to meet my long term goal, what won't happen?
But the real question I am asking myself today, is why do I so consistently sabotage myself in both my short and long term goals by being inconsistent in both arenas? I have been aware of my inability to be consistent with anything that contributes to my own long and short term happiness and success for some time. However, being aware hasn't been enough. Nothing is changing except the amount of time I have left to keep up this very unproductive behavior.
But yesterday provided an experience that resulted in me asking a very important question about all this to my self this morning. Perhaps it's the first real question I have ever asked my self or at least listened to my self ask! It wasn't what I wanted to change about the effects or results in my life...rather it was the only real question we can ask ourselves...who do we want to be as Cause?
What does that mean? It means that we've all become so focused on what we want to get, we rarely ask ourselves who we want to be to get the results we seek. I have asked this question in other forms to those who have read my materials and to myself endlessly...but today I heard it in a new way. Mostly because yesterday I touched a bottom of sorts - no alcohol or drugs involved - but a level for me that I don't want to stand on any more.
Who was I being as "Cause" that created this "effect" I never want to be a part of my life again? And then more specifically, why do I keep hurting, denying, sabotaging, attacking and depriving my self of what I really want while I chase after effects I really don't care about? How much longer was I going to deny who I AM Being that is creating what I am getting?
The first step in change is awareness of the problem. Been there, done that....what's next? And then, how do I become consistent in what I want to BE long enough to create what I want to have in my life? The more I create of what I don't want out of this life, the harder it is for me to stop looking and feeling myself rage against it long enough to allow the next idea to manifest. Again, I'm back to consistency. Consistency hurting myself is no longer something I want to excel at. But as always, am I willing to do the hard part and reverse gears long enough to achieve the real goal in life, not the effect, but who I AM as Cause?
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