August 26, 2011 - Landed and Stranded!

            It’s been a while since I could write or update the blog site!  I’d like to say it was because I was having so much fun I just couldn’t find the time, but not exactly!  To say these last two weeks have been adventure would be an understatement!!!

            The problem with not updating daily is that too much happens and it just doesn’t do it justice to condense it all into a few small words or sentences.  I hope someday I’ll be able to properly write up what I have learned, seen, and lived – it’s hard to believe it’s only been two weeks since I left my safe, comfortable, and cool mountains in Southern California.

            Most of the time I have not had access to cell phone or internet services so that I could upload.  The other issue was when you stress level is through the roof, writing and websites are not a priority.  I did find that if you need to lose a few pounds, just take an adventure that keeps you in a constant state of terror!  The upside, is my work pants are now much looser making it easier to work in them!

            As I write this I am sitting in a new friend’s house who has been an angel in this journey.  I only met her a few days ago, but she has given me a place to sleep, shower, and check on what is happening in the world via the web.  I see the world has not become any less crazy either!

            I am currently in Buckhorn, New Mexico.  It is about 90 minutes north of the 10 highway that runs along the bottom or New Mexico.  My plan had been to stay at a farm a few miles south for a brief visit and then head to the northeast area of New Mexico, but life it seems had other plans.

            My trailer made it all the way here, but a few days into farm #1’s experience (needing its own entry!), I thought I saw a chicken on one of my wheels.  I went to go scoot it off, but instead found that the tire had pushed through the trailer and was now INSIDE the trailer, the chicken was really a piece of plastic that was the last layer between the trailer and the tire.

            Okay, now what?  Clearly I could not drive this way!  With only two buildings in town – one a coffee shop, the other a tire shop – my hope was maybe I could find some help.  The tire shop didn’t have the right set up, but both people there were determined to help me figure out what would.  I got some directions to a man they thought might be able to help me out and off I went. 

            One thing I’ve noticed when others give you directions is don’t assume you have the right ones!  I did what they said and landed at a deserted looking building, knocked, no one home…okay, now what?  So I decided to keep driving, who knows maybe the 1/8 of a mile I was told to go wasn’t quite right?

            And, it wasn’t!  More like a 1/2 mile later I did find a mechanic.  He was new to town and as the gods would have it a great all around gerry rig kind of guy.  It would take four days to find the right part (the downside of living in a remote area), but as of last night he welded the trailer up another two inches and I could drive it…however he has also pointed out several other issues that may make living in it for very long not an option.

            So, here I sit this morning, not sure where I’ll be living tonight or what comes next.  But it just may be I’ll be here a while.  I’ve still got quite a bit to fix in the trailer – mostly the gaping hole over my tire that opens into my trailer.  It’s been a challenge to keep the cats inside and all the rest of the wildlife out – though several locusts did make it inside so far!

            The hardest part has been to let go of what I think this adventure should be – to let go of plans I have made to allow for the possibility of experiencing the plans Spirit wants me to have.  It’s easy to think we know best just because we have made a list of what we should and when we should get there.

            I’ve learned SOOOO much in these last few weeks, I’m still reeling.  Mostly I’ve learned that my spiritual muscles are still in training and when crisis hits (or lack of sleep, food or shelter), my panic button still goes off instead of my faith and trust button.

            I won’t say I am not missing my mountain home or routine.  I’ve had one cup of coffee in two weeks – and my morning coffee to start the day was at the center of how I orchestrated life in the trailer – best laid plans!

            But you’ve got to say, what are the odds that my trailer breaks 1/2 mile from a guy who could fix it?  And while breaking down in Blythe, CA or Casa Grande, AZ were not real options to live there, living here for a while is not a bad thing.

            I am surrounded by hills which have mountains standing behind them.  The air is clean and clear, the clouds incredible, and the people are unbelievably friendly and helpful.  There is not much to complain about this place except the cost of driving my Bronco at 9 mpg to civilization – but civilization is way overrated!

            Once I can get settled and find my camera, I can’t wait to show you around this place!  Now I’m off to find a place to stay, wish me luck!

August 18, 2011 - life is still as we know it, sort of!

            I’m writing this in the morning, before the day has really begun or ended.  I’ve spent the last three hours trying to find my peaceful place with God again.  I’ve learned that when time allows, time is better spent finding the internal peace than trying to do tasks or take actions we believe will give us peace.  It is the best investment of time I know, though not always practical.  But for today, I have the luxury of going within to straighten up that mess before I begin again to try and straiten up the external mess around me.

            My fear is escalating this morning because tomorrow morning I have to pull out of this safe haven and enter the world again.  It is a short trip, just to my first farm about an hour away, but all the anxiety of my traveling so far is coming back with its full force.  I have been promised by others that with time this will ease as my experience will begin to substitute for the unknown.  But for now, I’ve got to take that on faith because my travel days are far fewer than most.

            As I am in this campground I am surrounded by others who are doing the same thing, clearly this is not something that is unique or should be that difficult.  However, most are pulling very new trailers with very new trucks, eliminating the problem factor by quite a bit.

            But, this isn’t meant to be a journey of convenience or transportation.  I keep reminding myself that this is a journey of building my faith and trust in the non-physical force that created this world.  I am remembering how easy it was to be calm and at peace sitting in my house with my routine and all the comforts in this world.  There was no challenge but this abstract idea that lay sometime in my future.  Well, the future is NOW as they say!

            In reading the Course this morning I turned to the section that God is the strength in which I trust, not my own.  My own causes anxiety and depression and fear – well I can confirm that!  But it also pointed something out I had forgotten, that to find God’s strength we must first confront our own frailty and vulnerability of trying to live life on our own.  I can also confirm I am feeling very frail and uncertain right about now!

            There is a difference though between trusting in God vs. abdicating all responsibility for our creative power, and that is the fine line we’ve all got to walk.  I am reminded that the more uncertain my external world, the more fear that gets generated in my internal world which in turn creates an uncertain external world.  Managing our fear is our responsibility, not God’s nor anyone else’s shoulder we may try and lay it down on.

            This journey is the perfect example of not knowing what will happen one minute to the next and finding a way to trust and be peaceful in spite of this knowledge.  Most of those here are traveling with partners and whether capable or not, there is also a level of feeling more secure when we are not alone.  Doing this on my own feels harder because there’s no one to lean on, blame, or get a helping hand – until a stranger stops and offers their assistance.

            I will say again that it is such a great and valuable gift to help those in their journey no matter how small the gesture.  This is hard.  Those I keep calling keep hearing me say this over and over.  It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be.  But there is also little reward in life or feeling of accomplishment when all we do are things that are easy.

            I am reminded again in my prayers that I need to be patient, that this life will need to unfold in its way and at its time – not mine.  I have lived a life of wanting to be “done” with the unfolding part and to get to being able to just “be.”  That is the secret we are told.  But there is no eternal moment of being as long as we are physical – there will always be demands as we live in the perception of time.

            I can confirm with absolute certainty that the less stuff you have the more you can be!  I was hoping to get that last month as I got rid of everything I owned, but clearly there is still more to let go of.  And part of what I really want to get rid of is this fear that is as time consuming and as space taking up as anything else I own!

August 17, 2011 - the last day, maybe, of life as we know it

 

            I’m here in Silver City, New Mexico at a KOA campground parked and safe and finally able to let the fear drain out for the first time since this journey began.  I arrived yesterday morning and have met a very nice man named Norm who has offered advice on my painful mistake of carrying too much stuff in an overburdening way to the truck and trailer.

            I spent yesterday settling in and today trying to figure out why I carted so much of my crap with me and in fear that my entire life will be now about stuff – wasn’t the plan to let this nightmare of too much stuff be over????  Insert loud scream of frustration here!

            But here’s the problem, I don’t know what I will actually need in these months to come.  Tomorrow has the potential to be a game changer or not, as do several other dates in the coming months.  Things I’ve brought may save my life even if for right now they’re dragging me and the truck down. 

            I found a storage unit about 30 minutes from the second farm I’m planning on going to and I’m thinking suffer the cramped quarters for the next week and then see how the coming two months unfold – worth the $50 in storage fees I think.

            Last night was also the first night I got a good amount of sleep.  I am happy to report the cats didn’t cry or complain once.  They both spent the night nestled up next to me, each picking their own sides.  It was lovely.  For all the cramped quarters, my bed/couch is wonderful with it’s pillows and familiar sights and smells of the old part of my life that was good.

            I had an interesting discussion with Norm who describes himself as a rebel or outlaw is his word.  He looks the part of motorcycle maverick from the 60’s on – long hair, bandana, and tattoo’s.  He’s lived a varied and interesting life.  We were discussing how he has adopted the outward look of the tribe he choose to follow, a tribe he says is almost gone as time and hard living has taken most of those he has known and traveled with.

            But it is an interesting point, how our outside often lets the world know who we are on the inside.  For myself, I’ve never gotten those two to meet.  I’ve never looked how I felt, nor have a found a tribe I have known as my own in this world.  I wonder how many of us are afraid of the life we long to live vs. the life we believe we should live.

            These last few years have definitely been for me the shedding of the old (though my stuff seems determined to not let go of me!) and a search for the new.  Maybe that’s why I can’t let some things go, they still might fit and there’s the knowledge now that I will never be able to replace them.  What we treasure of this world isn’t always what is financially valuable as much as it represents to the world who we really are.

            I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, nor the next day, but I do know I’ve got one more day here at the campground before I head out to the first farm.  I am hoping to finally get organized enough to get the video camera in sync with these blogs – somehow in my mind this all went much more smoothly!  Oh Well, soon I’ll find my rhythm or I’ll find a new world that will make these decisions irrelevant!