Jill's Journals

Why Do We Share More Bad News Than Good?

2012-02-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

As part of the challenge in creating a new job definition for myself, I am having to reach out and ask others to share my videos. While no logic is there in why this is SOOO hard for me, I am also finding a different kind of wall that I am hitting - that we are quick to share the negative, but not so much of the positive.

If you look at top news stories, the most viral of videos, and other fast moving ideas that are shared so easily now around the internet - what do they mostly consist of? Humor (though it is often humiliating for the main target), Humiliation for the latest celebrity, or Gossip - sharing others pain to avoid our own.

While you will see the passing around of heartfelt videos and stories, they just don't have the same long term traction that the other kind of stories hold. When on the phone what has more drama and excitement to share than why Whitney Houston died yesterday vs. a new discovery that will help a stranger you will never meet heal?

It must take an intentional action to share what is good and there is a very important reason why - because what we share we make more of. Share another's pain and you've just invited more into your own life. Judge another's mistakes and you've just invited that judgment into your life also.

But share love, joy, happiness, freedom - all that is good and yes, the same principle works, you've just invited more of that into your life! No, it's not as fun as talking about the humiliation of another, but what joy do you have in someone else discussing YOUR humiliating moment?

It isn't hard to share what is good, but it is hard to remember to share what is good. Like any habit we are trying to break, it requires a purposeful decision to choose to do the new and not the old. What can you share today that will bring more joy into your life and into the world?

How do you know you're on the right path?

2012-02-10T08:42:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I chose this lifestyle for this part of my journey was so that I would have flexibility to make changes along the way. If I had to start my life over, I wanted to make the process easier and not get invested so heavily with leases, jobs, and stuff. I wanted the freedom to say this isn't working and just pick up and try somewhere else.

As I go and meet more folks, I am aware that even within this type of lifestyle there are a lot of different choices to make and paths to follow. The time is coming for me to take my next steps so I've been paying attention to the steps others are taking to try and get the most information with the least amount of mistakes!

As with any decision making process, there comes a time when we start asking ourselves if we are on the right path or are we making a mistake and headed down a path that isn't really what we want. But there in lies the biggest clue - what do each of us want? What do I want?

I know I am ready for a home base, but listening to others share their adventures makes me question that choice. I know I like to hide out and listening to others make plans to buy land and start building makes me question that choice. These have all been options I've considered and hearing others live them out makes me wonder if I want the same thing?

But here is the lesson I'm trying to learn through all of this - what do I want and what path will then unfold to allow that to be? So often we choose the form before the content. Or, we decide we want Mr. X no matter what rather than decide what we even want from a relationship first - he may or may not be a good fit.

The same is true for where and how to live. What do I want for my life needs to come before where I and how I will live it. What I want out of life needs to come before the how - and then I just need to trust what I can't see to unfold to support it.

Fear drives us to try and control the outcomes first to guarantee the process, but life doesn't work that way and this journey is no different. It's fun to hear about others adventures, but hard to remember to stay focused on the bigger picture to allow the best path to unfold...at least that is what I am trying to remember for today! Who knows what tomorrow will bring!!!

What is Life Really Like in a Tiny Trailer?

2012-02-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

Before, during, and I imagine long after people have told me about their dreams of a what their life would be like traveling in a trailer. Granted, I'm not doing much traveling, but I am officially living like I do - so that counts! Women everywhere have always just understood when I have talked about the "running away" fantasy. They always agree, yes, they've had that one too. Almost every man I've ever made this comment to just looks at me like he doesn't understand...

Lately I've been thinking things like if you only knew....yes, the freedom is AWESOME! I won't deny I love knowing I can pick up and go if I want to. I love that I am contained and mobile. I love that my life is very simple. I love that I never know who I am going to meet each day and what new adventure or gift that will bring. I really LOVE that part.

But then there are days.....like every one for the past 75+ in which I just don't want to be cold any more! The realization that no one is going to fit in this trailer but me - made even more clear when Freedom came to live and brought his stinky gas with him....no way I'm letting a man do that in here!

Then there's me hoping that someone other than the 9 single and lonely men living across the street would move there - and just when there was hope, a woman my own age on the same journey, she never came out of her trailer....partly because of the cluster of 9 single and lonely men who sit outside all day around her, but such a bummer!

But then again, as I was out walking this morning getting ready to climb up the tiny hill to let Freedom run free, I heard a noise I didn't recognize and when I looked up, coming over the bluff was the most spectacular formation of ducks - they were flying so low they looked more like they were floating over my head. I couldn't take my eyes off them - all the while hoping they wouldn't poop in my eyes too!

There is much more good than bad, but sometimes you've just got to be honest and honestly there are days I just want to turn on water that is already hot, have a bathroom that is inside my house, and not have a floor that shakes and scares the only male that's ever going to live in this tiny box with me!

When is Life, Art?

2012-02-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Ghandi once said his life was his message. I would also like to add that our life is our art. True artists don't paint to sell, they paint to express what they feel. True writers don't write for any reason except the words are asking to be expressed. Or, at least that is what my heart would say to my spirit.

The battle I have noticed within myself these last years as I try and find my way to express my art as my life is that "outcomes" seem to get in the way. What will people think? How am I changing things to get sales? When am I doing less than my vision to make others comfortable? When do I compromise my vision for another persons concerns?

Art, like life, goes through stages. In our innocence we do what we feel. But life often shows us that the external world doesn't always reward or accept that version. So we compromise. When art must lead to money, we are faced with an even bigger dilemma - which is more important, our art or our income?

It is easy for those who don't have to consider children, mortgages, and all the responsibilities of most of our lives to just create art for the sake of creating. But when we can't do that, what is life then really? Isn't the whole point of life to live as creatively as an artist does in their own medium?

I have envied the crazy artists who have a cadre of caretakers attending to food, cleaning, the basics of the business of life. They have been men mostly. As women, it's hard to choose creation over the roles we have assumed to be responsible for - and it is not wrong to do so, someone has to:)

Art is really only the creative expression of our inner vision. It is our imagination which is really what creates the world and the Universe around us. So I do believe our life is our art. The problem isn't naming it, it's living it.

Simplifying my life was meant to allow more time for living my life as I wanted to and in many ways it has - I have no idea how I ever held a full time job, took care of a house and all the extra stuff that went with it - and even less idea how those who raise families do it all. But they don't really, do they.

But most of us don't. Even with so very much less to do, there's still too much to do that I don't really want to and there are still expenses to meet that are asking me to compromise in ways I don't know if I can any more. I still yearn for more freedom, even though I have more than I ever have had before.

The truest expression of my life as art also requires the truest expression of freedom. I can FEEL this, but I'm still trying to BE this. In a world that asks us all to DO more, all I can feel is I want to do less so that I can BE more - that is the artistic expression of the freedom I desire. I'm still working towards it, but today I'm naming it - again....

What is Love?

2012-01-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

I am writing this because it seems this is a question that is still being asked by others, even though they don't really know they are asking it. Defining love is not something that is easy to do, but describing what it is not is much easier to do.

Once when walking in the park with my first dog Freedom a man was sitting on a bench asking his small white dog to come to him. His commands to the little dog were getting louder and more insistent and the little dog was more and more hesitant to obey....crouching low on the ground, slowly moving forward. He wanted to please his owner, but the tone of the owners voice was clearly one in which he was not pleased.

Eventually the dog got close enough for the owner to grab him and then he started hitting him. I yelled - anger and outrage were my obvious response - but in walking away I had to ask myself, why come closer when all you are going to do is get hit?

In my human relationships something similar has happened. I haven't been hit, but I have been asked to offer my friendship and love, but as I try and get closer I get hit - mostly with judgment and criticism, but it feels like an emotional slap all the same.

This is something we humans just don't seem to get - I'm as guilty as the rest. So what is love? Surely it can't hurt because I think that defies the entire purpose of what love it! But why try and get close to that which only wants to change you, judge you, and point out what is wrong with you?

Ironically, those who have tried to tell me I push away love are the same people who are doing the pushing. They say they want closeness, but yet what they give doesn't feel very good when you do get close - is it really any surprise I want to stay away from that?

I'm adding this link to a video of just pictures of dogs and people. But if you watch it, pay attention to how your FEEL seeing the images. It doesn't feel like judgment, it feels like what love is supposed to be, a safe place to lay your head down.

They video is here: http://youtu.be/0B-pm_JZw8Y

Humans have a lot to learn about what love and relationship is really all about. We need to focus less on the form and getting others to do what we think they need to do and more on just accepting the other as they are - no strings attached.

The Universe and its Creator only respond to what the truth of our intention and vibration is - whether we are focused on a person, a plant, an animal, or a piece of art. And the big secret as TRUTH is there are not different kinds of love, there is only love and not love. You get to choose. I know I have.

What is Your Idea of a Great Day?

2012-01-24T08:28:00.000-08:00

Seems no one was facing me when the pics got taken today!

Sunday was just that for me - a great day! I would have shared all this yesterday, but my internet was out so better late than never! Why was Sunday good? Because I had an adventure, I shared it with my new friend Freedom, met a lot of new friends at the Spirit Ranch, and got to know a woman named Gypsy, but goes by Ann, who has had a lifetime of adventures she shared with me! Getting lost on the way home was the only part I would say wasn't great!

After driving to Las Cruces, New Mexico to the Spirit Ranch, I started out by meeting one of the therapy horses.

I think this is Star - but he's a mini therapy horse!

After lots of talking and a little video recording....we went to town to eat at a dog friendly eatery where I was so pleased to see Freedom do so well! She also has a new rescue dog who also did spectacularly well in a public place - though Freedom got quite a bit of chicken that Mattie didn't...bribery works wonders!

Here's the sign outside - awesome food, fabulous owner!

The Ranch and all it's guests will be featured in an upcoming Journal episode - I'm headed back down on Friday to get all the footage I didn't record since we were so busy talking....but am looking forward to sharing this special place with you soon!

Here's Freedom on the porch being very patient - he wouldn't look my way either!

Every day can be a great day if we decide to make it so - so what would make this day great for you?

How Can Art Change the World?

2012-01-21T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's a new day and a beautiful one at that! I wanted to share the rock art I found yesterday and see if the person had added to my message yesterday! It didn't look like anything new was put on the ground, but the message that I wanted to share is still there!

Where I am living right now is filled with artists and healers. Most have their creative expressions displayed in workshops, studio's and storefronts. But the tourist traffic here is tiny and while I don't know the specifics, business is not what it could be from days gone past.

But one of the thoughts that has come to me here is that while art sold commercially to just look at may be losing its market, the idea of creativity and beauty could not be more needed or necessary in our world today!

Creativity and beauty and personal expression has been lost in our everyday lives. Most of what we buy is no longer hand crafted with love and skill but manufactured in pieces by many living in poverty and slavery to produce it for the industrial world.

As I went to go look this morning to see if there had been any changes in the art on the ground, it also came to me that art is a form of communication - not just from the artist to the one looking or listening - but as a way of interacting. You start, I add, the next person keeps it going. What the outcome is not as important as the experience - and that is what life really is, one moment to be experienced at a time.

Not rocket science, but just a thought inspired by rocks on my morning walk! Have your self a great weekend and see you soon! This Sunday I'm headed south to a equine therapy center - very excited to show your more soon!

Jill

Do You Want More Love in Your Life?

2012-01-20T08:48:00.000-08:00

Well, this post was supposed to start out in a light and loving way, but I have just witnessed something a few minutes ago that is SO upsetting and SO important in how it relates to this question that I've got to start where I am right now and not where I was an hour ago.

The specifics are not as important as what I'm feeling because I've just been witness to an act of immeasurable assault and violence and all I want to do is cry and throw up. It takes me back to my own past that I no longer want to be a part of. It takes me to what kind of future I do want to be a part of.

The bottom line? If we want more love in our lives and in our world, it's what we have got to give and be in our lives and our world. Not just a random thought about how it makes sense and then a return to whatever issue or concern is facing us in the next moment - but a sustained effort we hold all day, every day.

We have to talk about love. We have to listen to loving words and watch loving and empowering images. We have got to feel loving. We have got to act loving. We have got to create lovingly.

We spend an incredible amount of time viewing violence on our televisions, movies, and computers - as I just did that is both real and imagined. But here is the key - the imagined is as powerful as the real - because they both come from the same place and they both create the same future.

This young boy who was just violated deserves my love. But so does the man who just perpetrated the violence against him. Hate never creates love. Feeling hate only creates more of the same - hate and all its effects of violence, rage, pain, and suffering.

It is no accident that earlier this morning I was listening to an interview where a man was describing this same event in his life - and then he kept using the word penetration over and over in different contexts, but always that same word. This is how we create the world around us. We believe our words and our stories don't matter - but they do.

I was not careful in guarding my own thoughts as I listened to him. I was not purposeful to shift the images he was sharing and to reframe his words in a way that created harmony and love within me and not sadness and suffering.

Earlier on my walk I came across a rock arrangement someone had done artistically along the path. It was a circle and inside were two stones balancing one upon the other. I then took some rocks and added three lines within the circle to make it a peace sign. It lifted my heart as I joined with the person before me in a message of love and peace. It was cool. I thought it was fun. I hoped they would see it and add to it, but even if they didn't they would feel the connection in our shared spirit.

Everything affects everything. Be it love or hate. All forms of life want more love in their lives, but as humans we are lazy and choose just about everything else but love to focus on first.

Writing this in this moment is my way of breaking the cycle that began this morning - of replacing images of hate with love, feelings of pain with feelings of love, and of letting the past go so that a future I do want can emerge in this moment - not the someday we all hold on to with hope that is unsupported by our actions.

The Law of Love is that you will receive what you give to your brother and sister. Give hate and you get hate. Give Love and you will receive Love - not the romantic illusionary kind, but the real kind that is the true power in this Universe.

How long before strong wind is too strong?

2012-01-16T08:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here writing this right now asking myself that very question. There's a wind blowing and again, I am not sure how strong a wind can be before it flips my tiny trailer over! I tried to ask a neighbor this question earlier, but he only wanted to tell me to avoid the wind in the first place….but that isn't the question I was asking.

I got close to flipping a few months ago - I was dressed and ready to run in the early morning hours as the wind howled and the trailer rocked. This is not something I enjoyed or really want to repeat! It is strange to know your home is only as sturdy as the strength of the wind that assaults it.

I am beginning to feel like we're the three little pigs - the wolf outside is trying to blow my house down!

I don't have an answer nor much ability to focus on things like writing as I try and decide if I need to move from this spot or just ride it out….life's biggest question never have clear answers or clear consequences….that sucks.

I hope your Monday is calmer than mine! I will see you hopefully soon and who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll have my answer, one way or another!

What Side of Fear of Success Do You Stand On?

2012-01-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

I'm at that point in my life where I start to hit the wall. While I have gotten very good at letting go and tearing my life apart, I'm not so good at putting it back together - all the way. I usually get to this point, where I've got a plan and a clear path to begin the deconstruction again…

Good ideas and good plans aren't my problem - following them all the way through is my problem. And as I was contemplating this - yet again - I was also noticing that for my new friend Freedom was the opposite problem. Every time he's started to get what he wanted, someone outside of his control stepped in to tear it all apart. This last time it was me that took him from his friend and his home and plopped him in a tiny trailer with a cat and some woman who he didn't ask to know or live with.

But what is different for us is that I want him to be successful and happy and content in this life. His fear of success lies in not getting what he really wants. For me, my fear of success seems to be in getting what I want. We are both at the same point in our lives with very different long term goals and history of outcomes. The problem as I see it is I'm in charge of both outcomes and can I be trusted to do the right thing?

Of course the great irony that is striking me as I sit and write this is that the formula for success for us both is the same…put one foot in front of the other on the path that leads to what you DO want. For Freedom to be successful in this new life I am offering to him, he needs to let go of his fear of just about everything.

To help him do just that I need to ask him to face his fears and as Susan Jeffers says, say yes and do it anyways. Yes Freedom, the trash can is scary but you can walk by it and be okay. Yes Freedom, that noise was loud, but you can hear it and be okay. Yes Freedom, the shaking trailer floor is scary but you can stand on it and be okay. So far, he's doing great. He's even starting to smile and be happy to see me on our longer walks in the wild.

On the other side is me saying no to most of the fears I need to face and then just not doing it anyways. Witness to this fact - no new blogs, video's left undone, and projects left in limbo. My excuse? A variety of physical complaints that seemed to have mysteriously cropped up….coincidence, no such thing.

Lucky for both me and Freedom is that each day is a new beginning and each moment an opportunity to make a new choice - one that supports the goal of success or defeats it. Lucky for Freedom my commitment to his success is much, much greater than my own - like most women, we'll commit to others before our selves…oh well…

Lucky for me, I can't get fired or let go for missing my own deadlines - unless I want to quit and find a new dream. The thing is, this one is about as good as it gets, so today I decide to get back on the horse so to speak and commit to both me and my new friend Freedom's mutual success - after all, real success is when everyone wins!!!

Dreaming A New Dream

2012-01-01T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's the first day of a new year and I want to share with you a new dream - well sort of a new dream! All my life I've been drawn to animals because they are easy to be with. Their companionship is unwavering, their love without condition, and their loyalty without question. They have literally saved my life more than once.

As those who have followed my journey this last year know, I've been seeking and searching how to be in this world in a new way. Animals have always called my name, but as a social worker by trade, people have been my focus for the last 25 years. Before that it was creativity through film and writing. The last few years I've tried to pull it all together and what I want to share is how I think I can!

A few weeks ago I turned on my solar radio that seemed to get only one station in English. It is a Christian station and I like listening to music honoring God so I thought - cool! On this day, at this time they were interviewing a woman named Kim Meeder who is an author and owns the Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch. She was telling the story of a horse named Hero.

I can't give you the whole story of Hero here, but by the end I was hysterical with tears, moved more than I have been in years, and inspired to do what ever it takes to get past my fears! I had just been a witness to a woman who was living her truth in the same way I want to live mine - with her whole heart and soul - bravely and without limiting the depth of her love and belief in Love and God.

Her telling of Hero's story answered a question in my own mind I'd been asking for a very long time - how can I stop looking at the suffering and see only the truth in animal and human? Hero answered that question for me - because HE didn't look at his suffering, only at his own will to live and love of life and how that has been a gift of grace and courage to countless others who have listened to his story through his eyes.

The Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch is a place where horses and children find each other to heal. The number of stories are too numerous and can be found in the books Kim Meeder and her husband Troy Meeder write - but they are so inspiring and uplifting they are a must read for us all.

At the ranch there is never any charge to a child. The ranch is run by the family, staff, and volunteers and everyone who makes donations. And here is the message I want to share - what could be a more worthy investment of anyone's money, time, or energy than the healing of children and animals?

In a season where men and women are hurting each other to buy athletic shoes at $100 or more - how did we ever get to a place where the image we want to project to the world is more valuable than the truth we hold in our hearts about our own worth?

We build the world around us by what we feel within us. When we feel worthy and loved we create a world that is loving - but when we are fearful and insecure and angry - then we get the world we've got. And as I always say, you can only ever be a part of the problem or the solution - which will you choose?

I am not the only one who has been inspired by Kim's words. Many others have started similar ministries in their own areas. And that is the point….to be inspired to love and give the love you feel within you in a way that blesses everyone and takes away from no one.

At the end of the interview Kim talked about a girl of 11 who said it simply - that God was Love. Love doesn't ask to be called by a specific name or worshipped in a specific way. Love doesn't ask to be honored with idols or rituals or sacrifices. Love just wants to be given away because the more love you give, the more love you will have. This is the truth we are all seeking to find - and it is as simple as it can get.

So here is my own dream - not to start a ranch myself, but to start sharing with you all what others are doing to rescue, heal, and save animals and humans by honoring the relationship between us both.

The world will not change nor be saved by war or attack or money. It will be only through the power of love that MUST come from within us. My appreciation and gratitude I want to offer to Kim Meeder for showing me what that looks like in action - her words, her work, and her life.

While I have never met you I have been inspired and healed by your words and your actions - as have so many others. This is who each of us are called to be. We need only begin in our own way each day, with a smile or a prayer or a dollar given to someone who is hungry with our love and not our judgment.

Where is Your Home Base?

2011-12-29T10:08:00.000-08:00

I'm now almost five months into this adventure of having no home but the one I travel in. Though, if I’m being honest I've not done much traveling in it! But I know I can and what each place I have visited and stayed in has in common is that none are my home base. The trailer is my home and it is the base of my current living, but I have come to realize it is not my home base in the truest sense.

When I was about half the age I am now I spent several months traveling around Europe with a backpack. The one thing I took away was the idea that I missed having a place to call home. Of course that was in the days of no cell phones or internet, so it's hard to compare to now!

But I remember I grew tired of saying good bye to friends and never really knowing where I would be or for how long. But I also liked the adventure of it all and the freedom to get away from whomever I didn't want to be with. I once spent all night in a remote train station to get away from some guy whose name I don't remember but I do remember I did NOT want to travel with him any more!

Part of this experiment was to see if the trailer and the animals would be enough of a home base to allow me to continue to travel without feeling like I was missing something. However, as I close in on a new year I'm starting to feel like I want to find a place to call home - even if it is temporary.

Home base means to me having a place to return to where everyone knows your name as the Cheers crowd did in the sitcom so many years ago. It means having a place your mail goes so you're not chasing it from city to city. It means having friends that you spend more time saying hello to than good bye to. It also means having an anchor of sorts that you can return to when you need that time away from the unknown and return to the known.

I'm starting to tire of telling my story to stranger after stranger until we become friends. Where did you come from? Why did you leave California? What are your plans? The same questions from city to city and person to person are becoming tiresome as the basis of every conversation I seem to have. And then just when those conversations seem to be over I am off to a new place with new people, yet I'm having the same conversations again and again.

I don't know where my new home base will be. My intention is to stay in New Mexico so I am starting to look around. I know it won't be where I am, but I also think it won't be too far from here either. It isn't to say I won't keep traveling or looking, but for now I am feeling the call of having a place I call home, even if I don't live there full time.

I still believe your home is where your heart is and for me, the trailer with the animals is my home and I am happy in it. But I am also looking forward to extending my heart beyond these walls to a community I too can call home. All suggestions are welcome and we will see where this next leg of the journey goes!

Do You Want a White Christmas?

2011-12-23T14:49:00.000-08:00

         In answer to my own question, no - I do not want a white Christmas. However, I am getting a white two days before Christmas here in sunny Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Until last year the locals swear it never gets below freezing.....hmmmm.

But this is what I woke up to this morning.....



      And this....

And icicles - yea....

But this was sure beautiful as we braved the elements....

Freedom went with me, but not sure he enjoyed it....hurry up and take the picture so we can get OUT of here!!!

But Lilith wanted her turn...

So she went out....

Tried walking around the snow.....

Decided she'd rather come back in.....

And that was enough of that!!!!

There's no place like home....

Merry Christmas to all and

to all a Good Night!!!!

Love, Jill, Lilith, and Freedom

Day One with Freedom Two

2011-12-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

There are two things that are really significant about today. One, it is the shortest day of the year which to me signals the turnaround of dark to light - every day for the next six months will get lighter and brighter. It is also the first full day of my new dog Freedom coming to live with us in the tiny trailer!

Both Freedom and I are still in the getting to know each other stage. He's watching me and I am watching him. So far from my point of view things are going well! His point of view though has been a bit stationary - he has yet to get off the bed unless I insist…. I've even had to bring his food and water to him - not something that will continue to continue!

We went for our first morning walk today - it was foggy, cold, and wet….welcome to your new life! He did not lift his leg to relieve himself one time…this is a boy dog - what is up or rather not up with that?

So far we've had no barking, no chasing the cat (he just sniffs and licks her), or even desire to explore beyond the bed in the tiny trailer. I've got everything shoved to the opposite side to make more room for him, but still no movement.

I didn't sleep much last night listening and watching what he would do. He did very little, I got very little sleep just in case he did do something I needed to stop. The rescue said he's known for peeing, vomiting, and stressing - none of that so far! Tonight should go much better for me I think!

I'll share more in the video, but just wanted to post about today and how happy I am the light is returning - both outside and inside the tiny trailer!!!

What is Your Favorite Comfort Food?

2011-12-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

In times of crisis most of us have a comfort food. For me it's been my morning coffee routine. But in full disclosure, my coffee is really more like hot ice cream than real coffee and its mostly the heat of the mug and the fact that my cat cuddles into my arms while I write, pray, and listen each morning. The coffee is the catalyst to the whole ritual.

But in the midst of my crisis and drama in getting going on this journey, there was no coffee, no routine, and no time for my girl cat to sit on my lap. I went into survival mode and not comfort mode - though a bit of self-comforting can go a long way in times of crisis.

The point I want to make is that when the immediacy of the crisis passes, the call of the comfort food gets a lot louder. We need what is familiar and routine and what we know we will have a connection with. We need some level of success, so we go with what we know works - be it food, alcohol, relationships, or some other form of comfort.

What drove this idea home and why we really need to think about it was in watching the first and part of the second season of a show called The Colony on the Discovery Channel. Ten strangers are put in a group and dropped off in a post-apocalyptic environment and told they need to survive.

Each person had their own set of unique skills and personality to go with them. Yet in both episodes the same thing happened to this group. They defaulted into their comfort areas of expertise and missed the bigger picture that emerges in a post crisis moment.

Neither group sought food! They built amazing inventions. They reacted to all the problems that the producers of the show created for them. But neither group dedicated any real attention to getting a sustainable and regular source of food and sometimes, even water. They got hungrier, weaker, and less productive - but they still kept up with their comfort skills and projects in the face of death due to lack of food.

We all have our own coping mechanisms and in that we all share a common thread - when we are stressed we want to go with what we know we can be successful at and tend to ignore what we don't understand or know how to deal with. These two groups had no farmer among them. Finding food has never been something they have had to contend with beyond going to the closest grocery store or restaurant. But if things go bad, it will by only hours before every shelf is bare and every restaurant is closed.

Survivalists often point out you can go four days without water and 40 days without food. Right. That is SURVIVAL; it is not something that works well. Lack of food and water within one day start to have all kinds of effects on us - we can't think, we are more likely to hurt ourselves, and we grow tired and less productive. It becomes a circle that is hard to escape from once a certain threshold is passed.

As a society we've lost our connection to food as more than something that gives us comfort - it gives us life and the energy we need to live it. In my time so far on farms and ranches it has become clear that growing food or having to kill something to eat are not easy nor skills that one learns in a single day.

I love my comfort food - but I also understand that without food I won't be comfortable. But if you learn anything from this post I hope it is that if you are in a crisis that is going to last more than a day, you've got to think about food and water first. It's not something to put off just because you have a few days or few weeks supply of food. It is a number one priority.

Have You Had an Adventure Disaster Lately?

2011-12-16T06:32:00.000-08:00

I recently met a couple traveling in their tiny trailer with an underpowered truck pulling it - just like me! We shared stories of the trip to here and the disasters that happened on the way. We were all laughing - now - but it wasn't really very funny while they were happening. But it felt good to laugh and even more so to know I wasn't alone in my adventure disasters! This got me thinking about this whole trip and how it has really made me have to s t r e t c h out of my comfort zone and deal with very little of what I planned and much more of what I didn't plan on!

Before the last year in preparation for leaving my old world and life, the four years before that were pretty consistent in my day to day living. The journey was much more of an internal one at that time, my external world required very little of me to respond to it.

But part of adjusting to big change, crisis, and disasters (or unplanned adventures depending on your perspective) is trusting you CAN deal with them. One of the reasons I think the first few weeks were so hard for me was that I was long out of practice having to manage any type of crisis beyond what I wanted for dinner that night.

Anyone who specializes in crisis management - fire, police, military, search and rescue - also practices crisis management. They drill again and again when it's not a crisis so that when it is, they can respond without getting lost in the emotion and fear. It is much the same as an athlete who trains for their big event.

If your normal life doesn't really allow for much unplanned adventure, maybe it's time to shake things up a bit? The goal isn't to win rather it is to just get acclimated to having to deal with a change and uncertainty and then trusting you will be able to problem solve your way out of it.

Fear is really something we push into the future by imagining what may happen. But the past usually reveals that no matter what has come upon us, we managed to deal with it in some way. It is the fear that is paralyzing more than any event or experience that comes upon us.

So what kind of adventure can you embark on? It doesn't have to be life changing like me - you know, throwing everything you have out and driving off into the great unknown with no real plan other than the one that appears that day! Rather, you can just drive a new way to work and if you get lost, don't panic, just trust you will find your way!

Eventually, you'll have your own new stories of adventure disasters to share with new friends and you'll both enjoy the new found courage, strength, and laughter that comes from them…which by the way is a great way to manage the stress of great change.

end of blog

What Do You Still Need To Let Go Of?

2011-12-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

There are two directions anything moving can flow - away from you or closer to you. There may be a less than direct path within the actual movement of the object or energy, but there are only two directions that have any real meaning. Is what you are focusing on flowing towards you or is it flowing away from you. When we are talking about something that smells bad, the obvious hope is the smell is moving away from us….when we smell something lovely, well it's not rocket science here….

For those who have been following me on this journey it's been pretty clear that almost everything I've loved or collected in the last several decades has been moving away from me. Life has been a very long series of letting go - while this last year has been fairly intense, it's not been the only time I've had multiple and difficult losses in concentrated periods of time.

But what has occurred to me these last few days is that it is time for me to enter the other side of this process, the part where I let what is next come into my life. I've been thinking about getting a new dog now that my cat who didn't like dogs has left this plane of existence. I promised him no more dog torture after my last dog died. But now that he is gone, well, I've begun the process of being open to letting a new dog into our lives.

Yesterday I visited an animal sanctuary with the goal of sharing a video with you (which will be coming soon!), but also as an opening to the new dog that may come to me. This morning I was aware that I'm feeling conflict and fear about getting a new dog. Yes, there is the responsibility, the work, the joy, and also the risk of my girl cat not getting along….but more than that I was aware that I was afraid of letting something new I loved in.

I'm sad to report that it is much easier for me to let what I love go than it is for me to let love in. My first dog was really the first time I truly let myself love and be loved. Dogs are safe, loyal, never judge, and excellent givers of unconditional love - what love is meant to be. Losing him was the most devastating thing I've ever experienced - and I've lost a LOT of people close to me, I mean a lot….but no one or no thing has ever compared to that moment in time.

But one of the laws of this Universe is that it will not tolerate a vacuum. When an opening occurs, something needs to fill it. In my tiny trailer there's not much room for anyone else to join us physically, but energetically it's been feeling really empty. My tiny boy cat filled that space, but with his death there is a vacuum that is asking to be filled.

As a therapist who has worked with many around loss and grief, one of the issues people face in not wanting to let go of who they loved is the feeling that if they let go of the grief they are letting go of the one they loved. They will choose their pain of what is gone over letting it go to let new love in. While it is essential to honor the letting go and grief process, it is not meant to go on forever.

I am not alone in losing most of my external and physical life. But letting go is just part of what life is. The real choice is will we then allow life to come back in? This world is having to let go of a lot right now…the loss of the dream, the loss of the promise, the loss of money, security, stability…and more. But that is just one part of the equation. The more essential half of this process is what will you then let in?

Here's a little secret I'll share with you as a reminder to my self as I consider letting a dog join us in the tiny trailer….love isn't something that goes anywhere. The form may change, but love can't leave, it can only be denied or ignored. No, it doesn't FEEL the same at first when the body and energy of who or what you loved is gone, but when you grieve the loss of that form, when you are ready - the love itself will be with you always. That is the promise.

But here's the secret….you can't stop giving your love and sharing it with others. The only way to have love is to give it away, to share it, and to want it in your life. No single person is going to save this world by their actions. But as more and more of us let go of what is ready to pass away from this world in its form, we can then be open to love itself and from that love build a new world that will bless us all. And what else could we really want for every animal, person, and planet?

The mechanics of this Universe tells us that everything is energy and energy must move. So, flow goes on with or without us directing it. But it is my hope and wish for you in your life as it is in mine to let the fear flow away and the love flow in because there are many who need your love and none who need your fear - including you. Disasters may come, but history has shown us that from the ashes often rises the beauty of human compassion and love. We don't have to wait for big disasters or even little ones to let our love flow out so that more love can then flow in.

I'll let you know about the dog -but until then remember no matter what happens you have choice. You choose to let go and you choose to let in. Which will you choose for your self today?

How Many Ways Can You Heat Your Water?

2011-12-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

Before I left my comfy house with all it's functioning utilities and cooking devices, I asked a guy who I saw living in his RV down the street from my friend for any advice he could give me on my upcoming adventure. His best advice: Have five different ways to heat your water.

At the time I hadn't really thought about heating water. Most survival advice focuses on getting water and filtering water. However, the more I thought about having access to hot water, the more it started to make sense to me. Now that I'm living the adventure, I totally understand his advice - and mine would be having a lot more than five.

When you are used to just turning on a faucet or shower or washing machine, you are just as used to having the option between hot and cold water. But try going a few days with no hot water and your eyes will be opened to a whole new set of problems. Not only is there the issue of trying to drink only cold water when it's really cold outside, there is having to put cold water on your body to wash it, clean your dishes in cold water that won't cut oil or grease, and don't even think about washing your hair with cold water on a very cold day - no thank you!

Here's the short list of options: fire, electricity, sun, or batteries. Heating water takes an energy source and it's the energy source that becomes the problem, not the device to heating the water itself. My own list consists of an electric hot pot I got for $2 at a thrift source - but it's a 600 watt draw, so it only works when I'm plugged into the grid. I also have a 12-volt heater that can go into my battery pack or car battery plug - which I just discovered doesn't work. There is the propane stove I can use to boil water or some type of fire - google search rocket stoves for a small and efficient way to boil water quickly with minimum resources. But any fire outside needs a source of fuel and wet or green wood isn’t going to burn. I've also got a solar shower for a pinch, but I haven’t actually used it yet….not while it's 30 degrees or colder outside!

But what is even more important than having multiple ways to heat your water is the recognition that it is essential to be able to problem solve under all circumstances. As much as we'd all like to believe we're able to prepare for all contingencies, the reality and a very nature of a crisis or disaster is that we can never be fully prepared.

Survival is said to be 90% mental by most experts. I believe it's 100%, but I'll cover that on another day. It's not enough to have enough tools or skills. You have got to be able to be creative in how you solve a problem. Should you be prepared? Yes. But it's not enough on its own.

In many parts of the world, hot water is a luxury. Most of us take it for granted. But the day may come when you reach to turn on your faucet and only cold water comes out or even worse, no water at all. What will you then do? As a beginning step I'll give you the same advice the RV guy gave me, start with five ways to heat water and then you'll be a lot more comfortable in the crisis sipping your tea than a cup of cold water.

Did You Make Your Bed Today?

2011-12-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

I am sure when you read the title you were thinking, what could possibly be of interest to me in an answer to this question. Really Jill, is this the best you can do? Well, I hope you will read all of this before you answer because while almost painfully simple in appearance, it holds an essential lesson in both normal life and a life in which you may be trying to survive a disaster or radical change for you and your family in how you are living each day.

My unmade bed.

I came upon this idea in a very unasked for way. I was dating an alcoholic who was still in his first year of recovery (never a good idea by the way). One of the first changes his sponsor asked him to make was just this, make his bed every morning after he got up. At the time he told me this I didn't think much about it, but over the years I've come to appreciate the profound wisdom in this one simple step taken every day.

At the time my boyfriend started making his bed I thought what the heck, maybe I would try it too. While I'm not a totally messy person, I do have a tendency to let things get out of control on the stuff management front. Eventually the desire to clean up would hit, but soon following would be a slow decline of my organizational skills….but I digress.

My made up bed - as in real, not fake but orderly!

Over time I began to notice something about how I felt both before and after I made the bed. When it was left undone, I felt more fragmented internally. When it was made up, I felt this small shift into feeling more in control and internally less cluttered up. Over time I began to notice other things. One, that once a habit it created a boundary and order that kept me more focused and on track for what I did want to get accomplished that day. I also noticed that this same ability to repeat a task each day in other ways also created more order and structure and focus….and for myself, I need that - a lot.

This idea of creating a routine and a structure is actually very important in terms of quality of life, especially for those of us with raging ADHD, children, and animals. Not knowing what is coming next is highly stressful - children and animals uncertain when they will eat or see the person they depend on live with a high level of unnamed anxiety and stress. This usually becomes an acting out type of behavior on which the adult then blames the child or animal for.

Structure and routine build boundaries to allow us to feel safe within them. Should these structures and routines be absolute and binding at all times? No. When they do they then manifest in Obsessive Control Dependencies and that's an entirely different story than this one.

Should they be followed when the ground falls out beneath you? When they can, yes. When I had a boyfriend die (not the first one mentioned here), the daily routine and structure of my dog saved my life. When my dog died, I did not do so well without something other than my own life to focus on and no routine to get me through my grief.

One of the most important things I do for both myself and my animals is create a routine and structure that can live anywhere. When our home changes, our schedule does not. This gives them and me a great level of comfort and reduces their anxiety which in turn reduces my own.

When disaster hits or your life is radically changed the immediate response is a survival reaction. But no crisis endures and eventually living with the change takes on a new way to live each day. One important factor for coping is to keep what you can of the old routines and create new ones that fit the new situation. The place you sleep may no longer be a comfortable bed, but you can make it clean and orderly each morning.

One of the essential differences between those who survive and those who don't is this simple idea. Those who descend into the chaos and thus become chaotic are drains and drag everyone around them down with them. Those who look for order and structure within the chaos are able to bring more calm into the survival mode and this is their gift. But it's not something you need in case of an emergency, rather it is a skill you use every day, creating a bond of trust in your family, friends, animals, and environment. Then, when bad things do happen they know they can count on you and even more importantly, you can count on your self.

Making the bed may not sound life changing or in the category of saving the world, but in the words of Mother Teresa, "There are no great acts, only small acts done with great love." Sometimes, just making the bed can be an act of great love - for my boyfriend it was a way of loving him self by caring enough to make his bed every day. For me it is an act of self respect by creating order within my mind and body. What will it be for you?

The Cold Night of the Soul is Over!

2011-12-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been two nights of beyond cold and me and the cat are here to tell about it. You can't ask for more than that - right? Well, that's all I'm asking for right now. The worst is over, for at least a few nights and barring no new cold fronts - yea!

As always in these situations I ask myself, what are the take away lessons? What can I learn from this experience that will make the "next time" better? The short answer - insulation is EVERYTHING! The extreme cold made the question about where am I leaking air and losing heat very clear. And, while I can't fix everything, at least I understand what the problems are a lot more clearly.

But the spiritual clarity is always the real answers I seek and during this time I got quite a bit. What struck me as so interesting was how the heater was working against the cold…trying to push out its heat while the cold was trying to push in on everything else. It was classic physical world metaphor - you can't fight the cold, just increase what is emanating from within you….be it peace, love, warmth, or all that is good. You can't fight the cold, but you can radiate the heat….uncomfortable, but a great example of how we change the world from within ourselves.

But what I really want to share is the only thing that is of value here - the idea that is at the basis of why we are even in this world trying to learn its lessons. The only thing I really cared about was if Lilith was okay. It was the only real thought each time I would wake up and check the temperature to see if we'd passed a threshold I needed to be concerned about.

The only thing that really matters is the well-being of who I love and have taken responsibility to care for. Buried under the covers I had lots of time to think this morning and looking at Lilith watching me it occurred to me that I was only really watching for her…not the trailer or any of the stuff inside of it.

How do you share with others that the whole point to this existence is really just that simple? The Course in Miracles says that it is when we join with another without separate interests of our own that we have finally understood who we are and why we are here. For a long time I didn't really get that idea….but lately it's been clear that the point is, when we act for the benefit of our own ego at the cost of another's well-being we are really headed in the wrong direction.

In the Bible Jesus makes this same point when he says there is no greater gift than to lay down our own life for another. Our body is not who we are and our ego is not the true source of life he is talking about. The real point is when we stop living our lives at the cost of someone else living theirs, well, then we are really living.

I'm including in what follows two opposing examples of this idea. One in which a lion rescues her cub at risk to herself and another where teens risk the lives of others by their hatred of themselves. Hate is after all just us projecting our own self loathing out into the world and giving it a name other than our own.

It's not rocket science to know what each story brings forth within you. So the question then is, which type of "heat" are you burning in your own spirit to share with the world? The heat that is love or the heat that is peace?

An example of where fear conquers love:

Teens attack Police Officer While Threatening Girl Inside Her Home, Fireman come to the rescue.

An example of when love conquers fear:

The dramatic rescue, captured by wildlife photographer Jean-Francois Largot,
was played out in Kenya ’s Masai Mara game reserve.

I am glad to report that Lilith did just fine - she has an amazing ability to curl into the warmest corners of my bedding that more closely resembles a pile of laundry than a bed that has been made….but the layers work for both of us and right now warmth is more important than a pretty package.

It's important to face our fears in times of safety and in times of great danger - they are both just one more example for us to learn this lesson that what we value is the life that keeps us warm within and not the fear we perceive pushing in on us.

Below 32 Degrees on the Inside

2011-12-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

As part of my learning about the limits and needs of life in the trailer I've become obsessive (just a bit though) about the temperature - both inside the trailer and outside. What I've learned is it's more like camping in a tent than it is living in a house. I've done both, house living and tent camping, but in each I had a different set of expectations. In the trailer I wasn't sure what to expect, but so far I haven't had to test the limits of comfort and of safety…until now.

I'm writing this before I have to face my next fear. So far it's not been below the 20's on the outside and I've maintained at least low 40's on the inside. But tomorrow night it's going to drop closer to zero than not - and that is freaking me out just a bit.

What I've learned so far is that I really should have paid closer attention to improving and maximizing insulation all around, minimizing air leaks, and choosing materials that gave me the most bang for my buck - not just were cheapest and looked pretty!

I've been able to improvise a bit here on the road, but to do any real improvements would require way more work and money and time and tools than I have or want to do…so, it will be a good test tomorrow night to see just how much cold I can live with - literally.

In my trailer - with no one else to compare it to - I average about a 10-15 degree difference inside and outside with no contributing factors. If I face full sun and open all the drapes, the temperature can go as high as 25 degrees or more warmer. If I run a heater I've been able to get at least a 30 degrees warmer improvement. In the summer heat if I opened everything to airflow and minimum shading, I could run dead even with inside to outside temperatures. On nice days - all this is irrelevant.

But I want to go back to the fear - because that is the more important part, not the perceived facts. The fear is not really about me, it's about creating harm or suffering to my cat. She's shorthaired and seems to get cold at about 60 degrees. I keep telling her to grow more hair, but so far, I don't see it.

But then underneath that I realized there was another level of fear or sadness or guilt or, well, shame. I am cold and I am in a shelter. Outside there are a lot of people and animals that are cold without shelter. Now that I can feel the cold on my skin and the consequences on my cat's fur - well, it's a lot more real when I see someone living on the street or a dog with no shelter or way to protect itself from the cold.

Living on the street is not as straightforward as we want to think. As a social worker I can tell you story after story about why it's not easy to fix. But these last few years have produced a level of homelessness that is different. But I don't think it's just about evil banking cartels or narcissistic politicians or under funded social service agencies.

No, I believe it is deeper and more profound. I believe it is time to feel the effects of who we have been in this country - indifferent to the welfare of those that are alive. Our focus on stuff, money, power, fame, status is now reaping the results with the idols we sought being confiscated by the banks that temporarily gave us money to buy them.

As a society, most of us never really thought about the consequences of consumerism, materialism, greed, and indifference as we glazed over in front of televisions and ate food that contained chemicals and just lost our will to be creative and live a human life connected to the experience of life itself.

Nothing wakes you up faster to what is valuable in the life experience than to be cold, hungry, alone, and afraid…nothing.

It is easy to point fingers of judgment with the belief that those who are hungry and cold deserve it for their failure to play the corporate game. It is easy to turn a blind eye and remain glazed over. But it is not easy when you are in the middle of the experience you once judged or ignored. No, it's not easy at all.

I know how to get out of this situation - but I want to be here because I like the challenge of learning my limits and solving new problems and getting stronger as a human in this world.

But most - or maybe all - don't know how to change their situation. They just know they don't want it. But from this place of pain and suffering is coming desire - desire to be warm, to have good food, to be safe, and to want to live again.

And desire is the spark that lights the flame of creation in this Universe and World. Change must happen first at the level of Cause, meaning what you think, want, feel, and desire. I believe that even though there are many who don't know why these things have happened to them at this level of their ego awareness, their spirit knew exactly what would happen when they chose to come here.

I believe those we may judge and dismiss as societal failures are really powerful beings who said, "yes, I can do this" and came into this world knowing it might be scary and uncomfortable - but their contribution to us all would be powerful and mighty.

Now when I see someone who is homeless I say instead "Thank you my brother or sister." I bless them, see them as powerful spirits, and trust that to them this is no sacrifice but rather their gift to us all as we try and find a new way to live in this world together - to build a new world in which no one wins until everyone wins.

I'll let you know soon how life is close to zero - but it feels less scary now that I've named the guilt that was my fear. No, it doesn't feel okay to have anyone suffer and it is still my desire to continue to build a new world in which no one will…but first, we must want a world in which no one suffers and to do that we must look at what we have created and choose again….

Figuring out my Food

2011-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest challenges on this adventure has been getting clear on how to eat and not spend too much money, make too much mess, and meet at least some of my nutritional needs!

I will say I like the challenge - but I am still in the challenge phase more than the solution phase. But here are a few things I've learned along the way that I think will also apply if the power goes out, you have to go on the road, or life gets a lot simpler for you like it did for me!

Food has been a big part of my learning curve, so I am coming at this with a pretty lengthy list of "how to" books - I've done vegetarianism, ancient cooking wisdom, camping tips, and a lot more. But they all have assumed that there is plenty of supply and space and time and money….not so for me right now!

One of the biggest things I'm getting is that I can't eat as much variety over the course of a day or two. But, at the same time I can't cook one dish to serve for the next few days either…what to do? Food is really one meal at a time, so my solution has been how can I use the ingredients I've got in the most number of ways over the shortest period of time?

Another thing I'm getting is the whole three meals a day or if you're into the grazing concept - 5-7 meals a day is not happening. Mostly because I hate doing the dishes that often! Instead, I've been looking at how can I increase the nutritional density of my meal - or, more calories and nutrition in one sitting.

So, for example - oatmeal for breakfast has taken on a whole new look, taste, and texture! While there is not an exact recipe I go by, here's a list of what I'm now adding so I get the most bang for my buck:

Oats - soaked overnight
Raisins - boiled in the water before I add the oats

Then, once it's cooked I add:

Walnuts - Omega's and other good stuff
Wheat Germ - Vitamin E, fiber, and more
Cinnamon - good for insulin regulation and taste
Butter - fats, calories, and texture - and if you splurge on grass fed/organic - good stuff!
Brown Sugar - because I like the taste okay?

I've let the idea of adding milk go - though you could add dried milk and more water or just add milk if you have access to it. But in truth, I don't miss the milk at all.

I've been eating this a little later in the day - after coffee, getting dressed, checking the internet to see if the world has changed yet, and then a general redistribution of my stuff for the day things I do. But it works pretty well, keeps me pretty satisfied, and tastes really, really good!

The butter is the only thing that can really spoil, but it takes a while and if I just focus on food that uses butter, I eat it fast enough to not waste it before it goes bad. The rule of thumb is 30 days for butter, but I've done a lot longer with no problems.

It's been a shift because food has also been my comfort, my friend, and baking and cooking a real pleasure for me - the restrictions and changes have been an adjustment. But part of getting simpler is also letting go of perceived needs - the idea I need to eat at the same time each day, three times a day, and in specific ways.

We've been taught that there are a lot of food rules if we want to be happy - but as we go on this particular subject I hope you'll learn as I have that from the place of our spirit, it's just not true…but that is all for another day!

Preparing for the New World - Body, Mind, Heart, and Spirit!

2011-12-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

We are now officially entering the last month of 2011 - can you believe how fast it all went! Even more shocking is that it is soon going to be 2012. I remember more than five years ago feeling like I had forever to prepare for what would be coming at the end of this year. I thought I had a good plan and plenty of time to put it all into place. Never in a million years did I think then that I would be here living like I am now!

I also thought I'd be farther along spiritually, more secure financially, and much more collected materially…oh well! But this morning as I was reading - again - one of the lessons in A Course in Miracles (ACIM) it was clear in pointing out that no matter what does or does not happen in our lives, it is always for our highest good. That can be a confusing idea when you've got less money, security, and material goods to get by than you ever have had before while we prepare to enter an era of such great uncertainty!

But the lesson behind the lesson is this - what is good for the spirit doesn't always feel good to the ego!

I've been thinking about what I am really trying to accomplish with this website and it has felt that while there is a vague sense of clarity, there is nothing that has given me the boundaries and structure to be consistent in what I am doing. And the same can be said for what is happening out in the world - what are the goals as everything around us changes faster than we can adapt it seems?

There has been so much emphasis for those who are interested in preparing and surviving the coming changes on being physically and materially prepared. But very little has been offered about being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared. I've also noticed those who are preparing spiritually seem very disconnected with what it may all mean physically! It seems to be two camps that haven't really met…and I think here is the place I can offer the most assistance.

So, with that said, I think for today (with no guarantees about tomorrow!) I really want to focus on these ideas - how to be prepared at all four levels. This should come as no surprise as it's has been at the basis of everything I've focused on and researched and desired for my own life and my work as a social worker. Makes sense don't you think to apply it to this New World big picture idea?

To keep things more focused, I really want to focus on simplicity, survival skills, and actually applying the spiritual laws I keep talking about. These three ideas are broad enough to keep this fun, but clear enough to let others know what they can expect to find here on my website.

Maybe this is new for me and maybe it isn't, but one of my greatest struggles is to stay focused on one topic long enough to actually be successful in implementing the changes I am learning about. In this moment it feels like a good idea - time than will tell!

SO! With that said I will say thank you for stopping by today and I hope you will return as it is my goal to create a more focused approach to the website, articles, blogs, and video's - though their essence will not change - just the filter in which we will share the adventure!

What is Old is New, Again..

2011-11-29T12:27:00.000-08:00

A few days ago someone commented on one of my videos that what I had to say was neither new nor relevant (that part was implied when he said I was just spinning old news to the new version). What got me thinking about that comment was again the idea I've said SOOOO many times that we can only hear what we are ready to hear, be it old or new information.

The truth/TRUTH is that there are no new ideas - the creation of this Universe is both whole and complete. We only have access to the energy of an idea feeling new and it is the energy/thought that is what is real, not the effect the idea will make manifest.

Before I left my mountain home I made it a point to try out my fire starting flint and steel. I watched the videos, it seemed easy enough, but I've gone far enough along this journey to know practice is important while you don't need something, not waiting until you do.

Anyways, I went outside with my magnesium stick to start a fire. Okay, I did exactly what the videos instructed and no, nothing happened. I did it again and then again in a new spot with new magnesium chips, still nothing….this isn't good! But then I remembered someone had said to scrape the paint off first…oh, is this thing painted? Yes. And when I scraped the paint off and then tried to make a spark turn to flame - presto, it worked! In that moment I felt SO happy!!!!

Now, the point isn't that it's good to practice, but rather the excitement I felt creating a successful fire start! People have been starting fires for longer than any of us can count, so on the one hand - big deal right? But what is the new that is really old is that for ME it was a first, it was new, and it created the feeling of joy, success, relief, and the sense of freedom that if the world blows up I can keep warm and start my own fire if my many boxes of matches get wet.

Desire is the spark that lights the fire of creation in this Universe. It is Cause, the fire itself is only an effect and in the end, irrelevant. This is the reversal in our thinking that the Truth is asking us to make…to stop caring about the effects and focus on the Cause - our desire to learn, create, love, give, share, experience, etc.

I don't know what his intention was by his comment, but I am assuming he wanted to have me respond by feeling bad, shamed, worthless - sorry, but I don't operate that way. Rather, it is my choice how I want to feel by his comment because I am the Cause of my life, not what he thinks or says. Sadly, it is only he that will experience the effects of his own Cause - sharing judgment and negativity - not me.

No, this journey I am on is neither new nor revolutionary in its effects- but what it is, is my journey to find my own freedom, joy, simplicity, and way of life that makes me happy so that the world I create around me will reflect this as Cause.

This is how we build the new world, not by judging the old world for all its wrongs and limitations and failings, but rather by desiring what we do want and for me that is love, truth, joy, and freedom - which I have just a bit more of now that I can start a fire in one more way on my own.

Here's how it it is done link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFaq-J-j5DQ

Freedom Never Dies

2011-11-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

It's over. My boy cat has died and the relief he is out of pain is greater with each passing day. He died a few days ago, Wednesday 11/22/11 at 1:25pm MST to be exact. I had picked him up and put him on my bed to clean out his when he began that final phase - gasping and then his spirit vacating his body. This time I didn't beg him not to go, I just loved him as much as I could as he went. It's over.

I am not sure how I feel about this pattern of transitioning the living to the other side. It seems without an intention to do so, my life has been this facilitation both personally and professionally. Though, it's much easier when it's not personal.

I will say that I've known no greater honor. I've lost count of how many I've held in my arms as they died - and I've never even been to a war zone. What does that say about this world we live in?

The last two that were not my own family or friend that stand out the most was an old man of 95. He had always been so independent and productive. He rode his motorcycle until he was 85 and worked in his garage shop until he could no longer stand on his own. I met him in a nursing home, bed bound and lying helpless as he called in frustration to anyone who would listen to help him with each movement he needed to make.

It is hard when you have been in full control of your life to no longer have any. He kept asking me why they wouldn't let him die now, what did he have to keep waiting for? He was not going to get better and this experience was humiliating and horrifying for this proud man. He was grateful that I would say the words out loud that yes, he would die soon. With the sick and elderly this is often what they need most - someone to say out loud what is happening and not use code words or change the subject because of the person's own discomfort.

He did die within the month that I had met him. But he died not with grace or someone sitting with him, but rather just in a moment like any other in that time he spent in the nursing home. No one was there to hold his hand, to say good bye, or to tell him he was loved.

The other was a premature child born to a mother at 24 weeks - barely viable at that age and her brain damage and body were to weak and fragile to sustain her life. It was a baby born too soon most likely because the methamphetamine her mother was using brought about labor. Her mother was too afraid to make the decision to take her off life support and even more afraid to be with her in the end moments.

I did it for her. Not make the decision, but sit with this child and hold her as she left her body here taking her spirit beyond this plane of existence. I'd like to say it was graceful and dignified, but it was in the middle of a busy neonatal care unit and all I could give her were my arms and a rocking chair as I whispered to her it was okay to leave, she was loved and her mother and father were doing the best they could by letting her go.

I won't share my personal losses. They are still painful and have my own set of guilty feelings attached to them. But most included me holding them as their spirits left this world for the one beyond. It was always the least I could do.

Maybe these experiences are meant for more than transitioning one life at a time. Maybe they are also about facilitating the transition of this world. I believe that is why I am here, though I don't know what to do - as with a body it is hard for most to say the words out loud or have the courage to say it's time to let go.

But I do know I am not afraid of death - because there really isn't any. Death is nothing more than moving on from one form to another, or rather to that which is formless. Death in its truest sense does not exist. Nothing dies, it just changes. Maybe not in the way we want, but it is always something we can live with because we are life itself.

This version of this earth is dying, but not to its final end, but rather unto what is next. I don't want to be this version of me forever, so why would the earth? My cat lived a very boring life - why wouldn't he want to trade it in and up for something to inspire him and challenge him more?

I have been graced with enough connection to the non-physical that I can feel and hear beyond the body and the little self, so death doesn't scare me or create the same level of loss and loneliness that so many feel. That is also why I am not afraid of this earth's transition - because I can feel so much more on the other side and in the other version - it is beyond description because it is going to be so wonderful for those who are willing to participate in her creation.

Those who fear death also fear their freedom. The old man wanted freedom from his cumbersome body. The baby wanted freedom from her too early arrival so she could begin again. My cat let me know the minute his spirit lifted up and out of his body that he felt free - "I AM FREE" were his exact words to me.

The earth wants her freedom, I want mine, and I hope you want yours too. Freedom from pain. Freedom from systems that don't work. Freedom from control by forces outside our self. Freedom from limits and losses and lies. There is no death, only the decision of what you want - your fear or your freedom. My cat chose his, I have chosen mine, the earth is choosing hers - what will you choose?

Time to say good bye, again....

2011-11-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

Today there is sunshine. There was very little yesterday and there is to be very little tomorrow. But, today there is sunshine. That's not really much of a challenge here where I am staying. I am in southern New Mexico where sunshine is much more the norm than the exception. I need the sun today and I am glad that today there is sunshine.

It has been a sad few days here in my tiny trailer. My boy cat is very sick and our little family is now in a kind of suspended place, waiting for him to decide to stay or go. While clouds have been more representative of how I feel, gloomy and sad, it is good to have this break where light and warmth will be with us for a while.

He is much more peaceful than I am. Each morning I wake and reach under the bed where he stays to see if he is still with us. This morning it occurred to me it is my discomfort that I am wanting to end more than he is really having. It is my judgment that causes my discomfort and lack of peace, my judgment that his time to go must come quickly and painlessly - but who am I to judge his letting go process? He is in no distress and spending his day much the way he has for the 15 years he has been with me.

I thought this morning about my own letting go processes - the last being the move away from my home and everything I know and owned. I talked about it for years before I actually did it. Sometimes letting go requires time to adjust, to appreciate what we are letting go of, and for finishing up old business.

I also thought about how this earth is letting go of her old version of self to birth a new version. This is really the same is it not? The death must come first for the new to be born again. I've wondered why more has not happened sooner, more changes, more loss, more destruction, more evidence of what is happening. But maybe the Earth is moving more slowly also - after all there is a lot to let go of. A lot of history has been lived in this version of her life. Maybe she just needs some more time to adjust, appreciate, and to finish up old business. Who am I to judge?

It is hard in these times of a physical loss and death to remember we are not our bodies and this world is not our home. I know that my cat is not dying, just leaving this version of self to return to his true Self where he is happy and whole and without illness or loss. I've been talking with his Higher Self or Spirit - whichever name makes sense to each of us - and that Self is only filled with love and appreciation for the time we have had here together. It is only my grief and loss and sadness that are real, he is going home, it is me that is staying behind.

This cat is my longest relationship with an animal. He has been with me for much of my own transition - he came at the very beginning of the losses and the changes that have shaped and molded me from who I was to who I now am. Much of his life was not very fulfilling - his fear was tremendous of my last dog. But this last year has been good for him, the move and all. He has found the freedom to come out from under the bed and spend time with us and with the light of day….though now that we have lived in such close quarters I see he does most of his living at night!

Grief is a process, now matter how much each of us understands that death is not real for spirit, only for the form it temporarily lives in. So it has been a sad week. But, today there is sunshine and it makes it just a little bit easier to remember that light will return within me even if my precious cat will not be here to share it.

Bye Bye Buckhorn!

2011-11-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago winds hit my trailer with such force that I thought I might be joining Dorothy in OZ! My door (locked door) blew open, dust was everywhere, and the rattling and rolling really freaked me out! But, just about the time I thought I might need to grab the cats and head for a more stable setting - things calmed down, the rain came, and the worst was over.

That moment of decision - do I stay or go - is one that shows itself in more ways than we can count throughout our lives. Should I stay in Buckhorn or move on to somewhere new? Should I stay at my job or risk something I can't see yet? Should I stay in my relationship or just let it go?

This isn't the part where I give advice on what to do - but it is where I point out that doing nothing is a choice in itself. I could stay in the trailer or I could run, but either way one is a choice and one is not a choice - both have consequences. The lesson is I am not a victim of either, only I am the determiner of my life and it is here that all my power lies.

Now, had my trailer taken flight it is safe to say I would have regretted my decision at the time to not run away! But, who am I to say that the loss of my trailer would not have unfolded into another path with even greater rewards?

My original idea for this blog was to talk about risks in reaching out to the unknown, walking paths unchartered, and wandering into places unplanned. As anyone following this - okay, just me - but the reality of my plans so far is that none have gone as planned! But, the one thing they all have in common is that each choice, decision, and direction I've gone in has yielded to me what I needed, wanted, or was delightfully surprised by.

My faith in the path either chosen or not has shown me that life will meet me wherever I am, whenever I am ready. I was so determined to get out of California, but now that I have I don't feel that same push to run forward, but am rather finding myself excited to see what is next!

This journey has been frightening at times, but also surprising in ways I could never have imagined. Even though there are things that are now behind me that I would have chosen to stay with me, I can't help but feel this excitement that what lies ahead will only get better and better.

In a time when others are focusing on the crumbling of the old world, I can't help but smile because in my version of life, the new world is getting brighter and more beautiful every day. Are there scary times that are dark? Yes, two nights ago was just that! But as the sun is now trying to find its way out from behind the clouds these last few days, I also feel the light within me increasing in its strength as I plan my next adventure - or rather stay available for the adventure life is planning for me!

I am sad to leave this place. The people here are amazing, the community is warm and welcoming, and the landscape stunning. But I also feel the call to keep moving. That my purpose is still in motion. That it is time for more to reveal itself as the New World continues to break through for me more and more each day.

I am so appreciative of everyone here and all that the people in this community have shared with me. I don't know if I will be back, but I trust that I will be welcome and for that I am truly grateful.

We've all heard that without risk there is no reward, but as you begin to understand your part in how we create the risks and rewards in our own life, what is there to risk really? Buckhorn was not a risk, it was a choice to not choose in that moment and from that non-choice I have yielded great rewards.

The New World, just as in the old world, requires that we own which ever choice we make and then step back to let the laws of this Universe unfold what is the highest version of good that we will allow in - be it painful or joyful, that is up to us.

It's time to say good-bye to Buckhorn, but only in my body and not in my heart and spirit. Each person we meet we will carry with us unto eternity - for there is no loss in the New World, just a different place to park my trailer.

See you soon as I get to my next location and the story begins again.....

I Had a Trailer in New Mexico....

2011-11-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, my title is not quite as romantic as "I had a farm in Africa," but I watched the movie - again - "Out of Africa" and I was struck by how much of my own journey I am trying to create that ties in with this movie. Of course, no Robert Redford has crossed my path - yet - but what he and so much more in the movie represent has.

While there's too much to cover in one blog posting, I'll go with the highlights for today. Love I believe is the theme, and what could be more important to speak of? Not romantic love, for we've been conditioned to believe there is more than one type of love, but just love - as it is in Truth and as it is in its completed state.

What Sydney Pollack so brilliantly captured in this film was love - for each other, for the land, for life, for freedom. But the love only faltered when it in itself was not seen as enough - when that love was put into a form and the essence of its content was then lost.

We try and control what we think we love by labels and boundaries and rules. But love is not any of those things, for without freedom there can be no love. Love cannot be controlled by what we fear we won't get, but only truly received by what we trust we will get.

Love was most beautifully expressed when the majesty of Africa was shared - flying across its land, working among its people, and sleeping under its stars. None of these things were felt alone, it was in their shared experience that love found its home in everyone's heart.

But the moment that best stands out for me is when Dennis washes Karen's hair - it was the director who wanted to create a scene in which intimacy was shared, but not sexual in nature. Love is not about sex. Sex is just one way to communicate love, but only one. Love is something that is given not to receive, but only for the joy in giving it away freely - for only then can it be received in the same measure.

It is wanting to take that shared moment of love and put a name on it, a boundary around it, and a demand to it that it shatters and becomes what it is not - obligation. Love is Freedom, as is Creation, Joy, Life, and the Truth.

As I spoke of yesterday, it has been my goal to share this journey and today in my time with God, I asked again how to share this Love as it continues to grow within me with the world around me.

I find it ironic in my own life and others that while we all crave and seek a love without condition or expectation - we have almost no ability to allow it in to our lives. One of the reasons I so love being in nature and with animals is that there are no rules about love and no limits - I am free to just feel what I feel and share it with no fear it will be misunderstood or rejected or laughed at. It is free to expand between us and not be asked to retreat and hide until a later date when the fears will be less and the rules no longer needed.

I will never have a farm in Africa, but I do have the ability to love this life and this adventure, and to rejoice with all those that have come into my life to share themselves with me.

We speak of love all the time within our cultural and spiritual traditions, but rarely do we practice the tenants by which it exists. Love lets in and it also lets go - I want the faith and trust to be able to do both, standing still when that is all that another is ready for or walking with them when they seek to share more.

With all that said, I am still hoping for my own intimate moment that may not be getting my hair washed by the river, but I'm open to that as are all women - men may want to take note of this!

What Did You Share Today?

2011-11-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

One of the basic laws by which this Universe operates is that to keep something we must give it away. This of course flies in the face of worldly wisdom that says if you want to keep something of value, you must hide it, store it, insure it, protect it, defend it, and die for it. We believe if we give or share something we value we will have less at the cost of giving someone else more.

But it is not which of these two ideas we need to decide are true or not, but rather a closer examination of what it is we value and why. Part of the purpose of my journey is to more fully understand for myself this idea of sharing. I used to believe I needed to share what I knew in my words and teachings to help others. It was a hard blow to my ego to figure out the only real reason I was writing and trying to help others was to convince my self of what I was trying to learn for myself. Eight plus books, numerous videos, countless hours, and all my money spent on this belief later…well, needless to say it took a while for my ego to calm down long enough by this blow to really sit with the idea to see if it was real.

Bad news, it was. Oh, and the other piece I had to learn along the way and still am is that not only were all my efforts directed at convincing me of what I needed to learn - but so were the reactions of others to me. Looking for validation outside of my self and not finding it but in rare instances at first left me confused, but has now shown me that there is just still more for me to let go of and learn.

So back to the idea of what it means to share. Do I keep what I know to myself or not? Is there value in sharing what I value? At first I was not so sure. But as I meet people along the way sharing what they value with me it is getting clearer that it is in the sharing that the value is increased for both of us.

We've been conditioned to believe sharing is of this world in the tangibles - money, food, knowledge. But from a larger perspective, all those things are temporary and spiritual truth states only that which is eternal is of value. It is the sharing of love, joy, happiness, health, freedom, and abundance that is what is truly valuable. While we may live a life defending against what we don't want, underneath are these same values we do want.

But the second question is how do we share? It's something I've been asking myself a lot lately. My own joy and happiness keep growing, but the more I have the less I know how to share it - I am aware I've begun to appear simple and silly to many. It's been holding me back, but recently I had the opportunity to really ask myself why - and the answer I came up with is there is no reason that I can think of. How can joy be silly or love be something to be ashamed of?

We need to share our joy. What we share increases. I spent most of my life trying to end suffering by sharing my own - it didn't work out for me or others. Nor has it with my fears, my judgments, my condemnations, or my criticisms.

We share our joy by being joyful. We share our health by being active. We share our creativity by being inventive. We share our happiness by being inclusive of others. We share what we love and value and we not only increase it within our selves, but in the world around us.

There's a misunderstanding that peace is passive and joy is not valuable. Nothing could be further from Truth (with a capital T). Peace is stillness, but it is in our stillness that clarity comes and with that efficiency. We were born as creators, not slaves. Our world is in the process of recognizing they don't like their slavery, but the next step is to own their power by being creative.

We share what we love by our acts of creativity. One of the best parts of this process has been to see what others have built. Their homes, their food supplies, their livelihoods - all built with a dream of creativity and they have blessed me by sharing it with me. It inspires me, it energizes me, and it empowers me to know that when the time is right I will be able to do the same.

This is why I want to share my journey with you. Not for you to agree with me, but to give what I value away so that it will grow in the hearts and minds of those who seek their own freedom, joy, happiness, empowerment, and creative expression.

It is wonderful to meet others who share what I value - and it should be wonderful. Sharing is just another word for joining - in our minds, our hearts, our actions, and our spirits. It is what we are here for - to find our self by sharing it with others.

Occupy Your Community, Not Another's

2011-10-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two months in a community that is really many communities gathered together as one. There are those who have organized within the land on which they live as well as those who have not named themselves, but gather with common interests - children, farming, ranching, and more.

What I have found that I most admire among them all is they are reaching for their version of life that best matches who they are and what they want in this life. But the other thing I have been thinking about is even more important for each of us to consider in our own reaching - and that is not what can the community I seek do for me, but rather what can I do to support the community I choose?

Yes, John Kennedy said the same thing so many years ago about our country, but look how that turned out! We have created a country that feels entitled to what everyone else has at any cost - only it is now we are feeling the pain of the costs incurred all these past years. We have focused our giving on what we could get and not sharing what we want to keep what we have.

As I write this as more and more are moving themselves into their opinion of the movements that are sprouting up everywhere to occupy places that represent the greed of our past. While the desire to have a better life is at the core, the actions and words don't represent the solution, only a restatement of the problem.

In essence, we the 99% feel you the 1% need to give us what you have so that we can have what we want. I don't know about you, but I can't get the people I love to give me enough to make me secure and happy 100% of the time. How can it really work out to ask the same thing of people who don't like us, know us, or even care about us?

The positive is yes, the people are recognizing the problem. The negative, they still think the solution lies somewhere else outside their own mind, family, and community. We want the solutions we seek to come to us from the outside to the inside, but the laws of this universe just don't work that way - hence the direction things have been going for most of the recorded history of man this time around.

So, back to small communities and my deep admiration for those who are reaching to live their own solution. As I listen to each person describe their lives I am stuck by their creativity, their willingness to face obstacles and challenges, and mostly the joy I hear deep within them as they creatively build their own version of the world they want to live in.

It is a hard moment to awaken to the realization no one is coming to save you or solve your problems. But, it is also the moment you truly are set free. Waiting for someone to give you what you need is a long and often painful wait followed by bitter disappointment and resentment at their failures. Just witness our relationships, our jobs, our health, and our country.

But, when the anger and the rage and the blame and the need to be an innocent victim passes out of you and you pick up your hammer or hoe or pen to begin creating your own solution - you tell me which you were really happier and meant to do?

There is tremendous satisfaction in solving your own problems. There is even greater satisfaction in helping others solve theirs by your contributions. As some of you know the beginning of my journey was a little bit bumpy, but the one phrase that kept going in my head over and over is that no one reaches their dreams on their own. I was blessed every day and still am by the generosity and willingness of others to share their wisdom and their skills to help me create my dreams. But it feels even better when I can help others create theirs.

What I would say to all the occupy protestors is go home. Then, meet in groups that share your version of life that you dream of and start making it happen. The 1% don't fear your anger and rage, they fear your absence and your indifference to them. Energy directed at a source, be it for or against, is still energy that feeds that source. But remove it and it has no choice but to whither and die from hunger.

Spiritual wisdom says we can't reach Heaven alone. I also believe we won't build the new world individually, but together. It begins within each of us, but it must progress to our families and communities as we share our own wisdom and skills and dreams. If you give to get you won't have for very long. But, if you give to share so that everyone has more - then you have found the secret to success and happiness. Gold in a box is not the answer. Joy within a community is.

Simple and Amazing!

2011-09-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

I must warn you the entry you're about to read will be most likely amazingly simplistic and boring to you! The reason? It will contain nothing earth shattering, revealing, or life changing - unless you know what lies beneath the words and images.

I have been struck these last few weeks by the amazingly simplistic joyful emotions as I have done the most basic and rudimentary tasks performed by each of us every day without thought or care as we go through our lives. As I've already written about making coffee and frying an egg, I'm sure you know where this is going….

A few days ago I was sitting on my bed/couch with my girl cat and it struck me how perfect this moment was. The temperature of the air, the comfort of my surroundings, and the time to actually just be, here, now. My girl cat was lying next to me and I thought "Wow!" I can actually sit here and pet her without strain to go and do something else and guilt about not going to do something I must or should be doing instead.

Each day has had similar revealing moments. Even though I have performed the tasks I do now almost every day of my life, as I have found was to integrate them into this new way of living, it is like discovering their purpose and my appreciation for them all over again.

Like the egg and the coffee, simple stuff like finally being able to put on lotion or chapstick or trim my toenails has had a whole new burst of recognition and gratitude for being able to do these simple things. On the one had it appears silly, but when you understand how life itself is called forth then it is groundbreaking after all…

Desire and appreciation are the two greatest gifts we have to create our lives around us. But so many in the western world have become so complacent and unconscious about our lives that very little of either is felt anymore. Having the water actually IN my trailer to draw a drink from was a profound moment. There are as many in Africa and the Middle East right now that cannot pour water from a spout as there are others who can, yet whose desire and gratitude for this task would be greater and therefore more powerful in calling forth life itself?

I am repeatedly reminded by others who look on my tiny trailer as some kind of failure or loss or step down - but is it loss or sacrifice to awaken again to the joys of life and the power of creation that joy and appreciation bring with them? I am starting over and building from scratch in many ways, but alternatively I am also learning and loving and finding a level of peace and joy and contentment I have not had before.

I recognize that my path is not right for most people, but it is not the form of the path that matters, but rather the content you gather while you are walking along that counts.

This old world is getting pulled apart, but I don't see it as a bad thing. We have become complacent and lost our connection to what this earth really is and how we live within and on it. What looks like loss in one moment gives us every opportunity to find something new and beautiful all over again.

I'll try and find more interesting things to share in the days ahead, but for today even the ability to sit at my computer and write this with a minimum of effort and strain to do so is a gift in itself I have not had since I left my California home. When I took my Mac from its big box in which it traveled with me bouncing in the back of my trailer, it was with gratitude and happiness I could use it again - yet how many years have I had it and forgotten how much I loved it?

Each day I find something new that is really old to fall in love with all over again. What could be better than that?

No Residency for You!

2011-09-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have met my first unfriendly and unhelpful person in New Mexico. Yesterday I went to town to do more business of living things - transfer funds, get car insurance, and then I tried to register my car and get a driver's license. At this time New Mexico is under fire for handing out driver's license like candy - you pay the fee and you get the license. So, maybe this person was feeling the brunt of the times.

I'd been warned to not go to the local DMV, but rather head one town over to the really nice office. But this one was on my way, so I decided to stop in, took my number waited for 15 minutes and went to the counter.

I pulled out my paperwork that I'd seen on line to have and the woman pushed it back at me with the words "you must have a physical address" and was clearly ready for me to leave. I showed her where my physical address was on my rent receipt and she told me "you must have a lease."

So let me get this straight, the only people who can get driver's license in New Mexico must have a one year lease? "Yes." Again, so you're telling me all the people who rent in New Mexico month to month can't get driver's license? "NO." And again, she told me, you must have a physical address AND lease with a physical address on it.

At this point I was getting frustrated and it was clear I wasn't going to make any real progress, so I gathered my papers and left thinking I should have listened and gone to the other DMV! But after a few minutes I remembered who she reminded me of.

For those who watched the TV show "Seinfeld" there was an episode where a man made incredible soup. But, he was very strict about how you ordered and if you displeased him he cried out while pointing his finger, "No soup for you!" And then you were barred for life or if lucky, only a year.

He was referred to as the "Soup Nazi" and he was a lot like the lady at the DMV. "No residency for you!" And while she didn't point for me to leave and she didn't say these exact words, the effect was much the same!

What is fascinating about this is that at a time when states have very little money she would refuse my willingness to give her mine. I stood with more identification papers than needed and it's fairly clear I'm not an illegal alien trying to pull one over on her, but her need to right and rigid was the driving force in her focus of thought. She entirely missed the bigger picture - that if I didn't have my paperwork filled out the way the state wanted, what did I need to change?

Once I calmed down, I was able to ask the people who had issued me my other identity documents to make the change with the physical address on it and I am hoping this next attempt will be more successful with the nice lady at the next town over, I'll let you know.

But the point to this story is how often each of us miss the moment life is trying to teach us while we are busy being right and rigid - regardless how this is working against what we really want. I am assuming while this woman probably doesn't like her job, she does want to keep it and based on the feedback I've gotten, almost no one goes to her DMV and people will happily wait over an hour at the other town's just to not have to experience her and her office.

She may be yelling at me "no residency for you" but the long term effect of that is "no job for you!" because without paying residents of your state, you won't have a job much longer!

I am happy to report she has been my only unpleasant experience and it may actually turn out better in the long run after all. There is the unpleasant task of getting this trailer registered somewhere and maybe the nice lady won't make me drive it all the way down to her tiny town? We'll see, but for today, I encourage us all to let go of needing to be right and try and see what we might be missing that is for our best interest in the long run!

Love in a Small Town

2011-09-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

While my traveling may have stopped, what is new to see around me is not! I've been thinking about this idea of "finding love" out in the world and have become aware of how different it is depending on where you live and what culture you are in.

Coming from Southern California, opportunity's abound is the prevailing belief. Thanks to the Internet and large population base, it can feel like the field to choose from is infinite. Thus, the list that so many carry for the requirements of their perfect love seems to get longer as the picking pool gets larger.

There are too many issues with trying to find love in a place like So Cal, I can't list them here, but being over 30 and bigger than a size 4 puts you over in the more undesirable category - regardless of any other trait you may hold. It got so bad at one point that one wrong word in an email or the faintest of promises in a passing glance over a picture of someone never to be met, and BAM!, you are off the "maybe" list all together!

While I told others of my plans to move, so many of the women had hopes for me to find someone new on this journey. While not my purpose or burning desire, I'm not totally opposed if a good match for me would show up!

With that said, I'd been on my first farm for less than a week as you remember when my trailer broke. When I took my trailer in to the mechanic he awkwardly asked if I'd be interested in a date with a friend of his who had seen me around - and then began selling him by what he did, leaving out details like how old he was (everyone here is pretty old just by looking!) or kids, etc. I stumbled around telling him I didn't even know where I'd be sleeping tonight (true) and that maybe later.

Soooo….when I went to pick up my trailer, there he was - there was a whole group waiting for me. Ambush came to mind! I tried to be polite, really I was wanting to know what went on with my trailer and not about some picnic next Saturday. I found my way out and off to my new trailer park home.

Well, two days later at 7:15am, I heard a truck pull up. I'm still in bed and not dressed - he calls out to get dressed then and here we are, again. He then tells me his story and how he's just looking for the magic. How do you politely say, I can tell you right now I'm not magic, I’m not even sure what I'm doing right now!

Three pens, one business card, and an offer to live at his house and earn money by pulling weeds later, he drove away and so far, he hasn't driven back. But what occurred to me is that in a small town far away from a big city resource pool, magic is more about opportunity and availability than any physical or other kind of trait you may be looking for. If you're looking for love in a small town, you've got to move quickly on any new woman or man moving in, because you may miss your opportunity if you delay!

While all this is going on I've also been reading a book by James Michener about South Africa, The Covenant. So far he's covered life from the beginning to the early 1800's. Let me tell you, finding a wife was as simple as finding the first single female over about 14 years old. The list included not married and breathing. If you couldn't ride to the next farm and get one of their daughters, you asked for a woman to be shipped in from your home country! If that didn't work, pity the native girls or slaves.

My oh my how things have changed! I wonder if we focused less on trying to find the perfect man or woman to live our lives with and more on how to live our lives with the man or woman we were with, we'd all be a bit happier? Statistics show that marrying for love is no more successful than an arranged marriage. The divorce rate and the cheating rate might be a lot less also if we let go of the fantasy of a perfect person and focused more on how to love perfectly.

I do need to add, for most of our recorded history, women had to marry to survive. In many ways it was a legal form of prostitution - trading your femaleness for a place to live and an acceptable place in society. Unmarried women just didn't do well and most ended up with the other form of prostitution - which I am sure was most unpleasant.

I'm not saying you can't be happy married and with children, but having choices on how, where, and why you want to live your life are not all bad. I think in today's world we are all still sorting out our roles, though I often hear men wanting things to return to the old ways. Well, if I had a wife who did all my cooking, cleaning, childrearing, and "accommodating" to my physical needs at my desire and not theirs, who knows what I could have accomplished out in the world. But freedom needs to be equal for us both, thank you very much!

Back to the here and now, we'll see how living in small towns goes. But I will say to all the women who want to get married - think about a small town! I've had several men ask about my knowing anyone their age (okay, around here the men looking are all over 50ish) and would probably be happy with a real woman and not the pretend versions that have to stay super thin, super stupid, and super superficial!

As I rode my bike home the other night, I saw a man and woman holding hands as they walked along. He was normal sized, she was about three times wider from the rear view - but holding hands as they walked they were. This warms my heart and gives me hope that when the time is right the right man will be around. My list is rather short, but while I'd admire the women who lived with anyone to grow our various countries strong - it is still a bit longer than not married and breathing!

The War on Freedom and My 1st Fried Egg!

2011-09-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

As I type in the dates I am reminded by the numbers more than anything that the infamous date of 9/11 is fast approaching. What has been termed as the War on Terror to defend our Freedom has been in actuality a War against having any Freedom at all.

Normally, this is the point where most opinions launch into all the assaults on our freedoms and liberties that are taking place as we point fingers and lay blame on those who are around us in all their various forms and guises. However, my purpose in this life is to focus on solutions and not just problems – so with that said what can each of us do to regain the freedoms we have so easily lost in these last ten years.

We all live in chains, do you want to let your go?

The first and essential step is that we must WANT our Freedom. The second is we must define what Freedom is to us individually and focus less on what we think Freedom should mean for everyone else.

As easy as it is to use big picture ideas and metaphors I would like instead to bring it closer to home. The reason we talk big ideas and not small ones is we’ve been told that is where their value and worthiness lies. If I can’t save the whole world, why bother with just me alone? This is the ultimate deception and discourager – because the ONLY place you can start is within your own mind, body, and home.

So, back to my own home examples that while seem ridiculously simple and irrelevant but, I can assure you the vibrational power that they send out into the Universe is creating more change than every complaint, judgment, criticism, and condemnation spoken, felt, or believed. Can I prove it? No. But look into your own life and ask your Self how it FEELS when you accomplish small acts of independence and Freedom. We don’t have to understand HOW something works to do it.

I did manage to mangle it during the flip!

Yesterday my great act of independence and Freedom was I fried my first egg on my trailer stove. Oh brother, are you kidding is probably your first response! The world is crumbling around us and you are writing about eating an egg?

Yes, but it’s NOT just an egg – it is a statement of my own manifestation in finding my definition of Freedom! This tiny egg in my tiny frying pan on my tiny stove and in my tiny trailer represents an idea that is in no way tiny!

This egg came from a chicken that runs free all day, doing what she pleases – which as I had observed on the farm is eating and/or running from the roosters trying to jump on her back. I’m happy to report that the girls in the chicken pack do at times get organized to keep the roosters off their backs – literally and metaphorically!

This egg was cooked in a home I own 100%, in a space that represents to me what I want in my life, in a place where the rules are few and the dues are manageable. I am free to move away at any time and for any reason.

This egg represents that I can feed myself what I want – food that is not raised inhumanely nor with chemicals and additives I don’t want to ingest any more. This egg represents nutrition to build and regenerate my body and brain so that I can get up this day and continue my work to bring Freedom to this world.

This egg represents Freedom from hunger, one of the biggest issues facing people in this world. When our individual lives are chaotic, insecure, and unable to provide us with the very essentials of food, water, shelter, and safety – things like seeking Freedom and Truth take a BIG Back Seat!!!

So you see, this one tiny egg is much more than a quick bite to eat and then on to more important things. Rather, it is a moment to fully engage in my own success of achieving my dream of Freedom for my Self in this moment. And while many are not ready to believe we create the world around us with the vibrational energy we extend from our mind, heart, and spirit – all three in me are sending out with joy, hope and exaltation – I love my Freedom!!!

It not the egg itself, the act of frying and eating it, or even the ideas it represents that are the purpose of my existence. Rather, it is the idea of Freedom that I have used the egg to represent that is the goal. That is how the big picture ideas become made manifest in this world – one tiny chicken and egg at a time and no, it doesn’t matter which came first for this to really work!

Here's to farm fresh eggs and Freedom!!!!

My NON-Labor Day!

2011-09-05T11:53:00.001-07:00

It’s another Monday and while most are celebrating it as Labor Day, it occurred to me I’ve finally found my moment of a very NON Labor type of day! What I mean is that for the last several years and then some, life has been about trying to find a way to be in life without all the labor it seems to involve!

For the last year and a half, my life was cranked up in intensity with every passing month of letting more and more go, from my beloved dog Rocky to my house and finally to almost everything I owned. But letting go is rarely anything but labor intensive. I had to find homes for the stuff. I had to make peace with the losses of what my old life was. And, I had to go up and down stairs, carry boxes, hold sales, drive to and unload at the dump more times than I could count! Then there was cleaning, organizing, paperwork, details, and getting ready for the next move out and away in the trailer.

Each time I thought I’d had my hardest day, I found another one that was equal or worse. The dream was a moment in time in my future of when my days would consist of what I wanted, valued, and cherished and did not consist of what I felt obligated to, responsible for, or imprisoned by.

This morning as I woke up to a spectacular sunrise, nestled in my very comfortable bed, surrounded by my beautiful cats I realized that all my “to do’s” would take about 10 minutes and the rest of my time was my own. Yes, there is PLENTY I could put on a to do list and no, I’m not off the hook for all responsibilities – I still have the drudgery of getting established in a new state, and so on…but really, I’m right where I have longed to be – plenty of time for Spirit, God, Life, Beauty, Joy, Peace, and only the amount of responsibility I want for now.

It then occurred to me that this was my transition moment. I had gone from the deconstruction of my old life, to the recovery in between, to now facing forward as I created a life I want – not one I think I should have or was told by the world I need to have. And the idea of a labor free type of future (for the time being) sounds really, really good!

I don’t know what the future will hold. I got an email from a friend who has done what I’m doing but is a year ahead of me. She told me she too has found nothing has gone as she planned it, but it has always taken her where she needed to be. And to “be” was the greatest part of it all.

In a world that says doing, going, getting, fixing, accomplishing, attaining, and on and on is the goal we all seek, the idea of time to just “be” may not sound satisfying or worthy. How could we be created to just be and not do? But it is only when we learn to be can we access our true creative power and for me, I needed to build a life that allowed me to be and not get distracted by all there was to do.

I don’t know what the future holds, but for the first time in a very long time the future feels open and exciting as I acknowledge what I’ve done and what it took to get here. I am grateful to all who helped me along the way and I am happy that for this moment I can relax and let down long enough to feel the joy, peace, and love of life and Spirit fill me up and give me the gift of everything I need in this moment. While contentment rarely lasts, it is sweet in the moment it arrives.

Thank You and my First Farm!!!

2011-09-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

More progress!!! I got my desktop up and it survived the bounce and heat and whatever else was going on in that trailer while I was driving! So, below is the first farm video – simple, but a beginning.

I’d like to add again my thanks to Patty and Zack for hosting me and not asking me to do too much. I arrived a bit out of sorts and hadn’t yet acclimated to the heat – it seems they were not hot flashes but just hot!

I did learn quite a bit in my week there – besides who could fix what on the trailer! I learned that Patty’s form of natural horsemanship is very similar to the dog whisperer’s approach and her animals are most appreciative. They all follow her around like one big pack – two mini horses, several chickens, a dog, and Bart the turkey (though he moves much slower than the rest!)

I also had the information reinforced that working a farm and growing crops is not a one-year prospect. There is a lot to learn about your soil, what the market wants to buy, and the weather to support it all – which as we all know seems to have a mind of its own this year!

Also, thanks again to everyone who has been my friend the last 8 years in Crestline and for all your support in getting me out and over here to New Mexico. I do miss home very much, I am a routine and structure kind of girl and it’s been hard having very little of either. The mountains and the lake are also very much missed, there is great comfort in the familiar and all the memories that they hold.

I am also so incredibly grateful to my mom and stepdad. Without their love, support, and faith who knows what would have happened this last year! And with my stepdad on speed dial ready to share his trailer and trucking experience as I lumbered across the desert – most needed and appreciated.

It’s only been three weeks, but it feels like a lifetime has gone by. Just a few short hours ago exactly three weeks on that Saturday, I was crying as I said good-bye to my mom and taking off in an over weight trailer and not nearly the experience I would have like to have had in pulling one! Then it was up a long climb in Indio where I overheated, well, things just went wrong from there!

But, I did make it to my destination, even if it is a bit south of where I originally planned! The best laid plans as they say….but with one farm under my belt I feel much better in knowing what to expect and am excited to keep learning as much as I can!

As a preview here in these parts there is a wolf sanctuary, a 100% off grid earth ship that’s been built, and some spectacular scenery I’ve been promised is close by! Now that I’ve found the video camera, unpacked the computer, and seemed to have calmed down from the frenzy of the last few weeks – we’ll see what comes next! I hope you all stay tuned and share what you like with your friends.

Much love, gratitude, and blessings,

Jill

September 2, 2011 - Advice on the Road

2011-09-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon as I’ve traveled across the states to arrive not in the place I had not planned. It is the approach to which others seem to view my journey. There are two main camps. Those that acknowledge the adventure and see the possibilities and those who are quick to point out all the problems I am sure to encounter along the way.

My first weeks were so fear filled that I am sure I attracted the negative outlooks more readily, but it is a good analogy for the way we each view life. I know for myself I have trained my brain from years of social work and other chemical and wiring issues to look for the problems. I can see many of them a mile away. Sometimes this works in my favor because I can plan accordingly. But it also works against me as law is impersonal and can only follow the vibrational stance I offer.

Even this morning as my RV home neighbor began to pack up to get ready to pull out, he was full of advice I could do nothing about. “You’re sure asking a lot of that Bronco pulling that trailer. Yes, Fifth-wheels are much better than what you’ve got. You can’t winter here in that thing, you’ll freeze to death.” These were his comments throughout our brief conversation.

I have already traveled the hard part of my journey, so getting a new truck and new trailer and a new hitch, none of which I can afford, really are not options for me. And as far as life many months from now, how can I know where I’ll be at that time when I can barely keep up with what is happening right now?

This journey has been full of advice I can’t use and at the same time spotted with encouragement I really can benefit from. The mechanic who sang the praises of a Bronco, though he was not so enthusiastic about the life left in my trailer! The few who got that freedom was the key to all this and not the recreation of an old life I already know how to live.

There was a woman who stayed just one night that I am sorry I didn’t get to talk to. I thought she was with her husband, but it turned out she was on her own. She looked much closer to 90 than 70 and was traveling in an old RV closer to 30 feet than not. She must have weighed all of 85 pounds as she walked across the park with her very lively little black dog. As she pulled away, her RV made the kinds of noises that makes you cringe thinking how it could pull itself up the hill – but up into the hills was the direction she drove.

But she was living her life without the kind of fear that I felt as I began and I wonder how she found her courage to move forward no matter what. I wonder what kind of advice she would have given – the kind that was focused on all the things that could go wrong and that I shouldn’t do or the kind that just says go for it!

In hindsight I really didn’t know what I was doing and it was on a wing and a prayer I got this far safely and relatively in tact. Yes, things broke, overheated, stalled out, and were highly uncomfortable – but we all made it and we are all okay. Besides, I have learned more in these last few weeks than in all the months I spent preparing. It is in the journey we learn, not in the preparation.

One of the biggest messages I got coming here was “NO ONE gets to their dreams alone.” I’ll keep saying it over and over because it is true. In The Course in Miracles, we are told that Relationship is the Holy Temple of God, not a place or an idea that is singular or on its own.

And every interaction and piece of advice is each of us in relationship with each other. We can support the dream or try and tear it down. That doesn’t mean we don’t help when advice is asked for, but do we really need to offer it when it’s not?

I’ve talked a lot about the idea you can only stand in one of two places, the problem or the solution. But without problems how would we know where to pivot to next? Without problems what need would we have of each other to create relationship? Problems are just the starting point, not the main point. Problems are not what we need to look for, they will appear on their own as steps to guide us where we need to go whether we think we do or no!

All of this is training me to be much more gracious, patient, encouraging, and open-minded as I go both with myself and with others. Who am I to say what each of us can and can’t accomplish no matter how broken down or ill-equipped we may be? And isn’t that really the point? Faith is not built by avoiding what we fear but by facing it and moving forward anyways.

We don’t get to our dreams alone and neither can we get to Truth, Love, or Heaven on our own. Every exchange counts. Every observation gets recorded. Every moment is another chance to choose who we want to be in our life and the lives of all we share this world and beyond with.

September 1, 2011 - Here's what went wrong...

2011-09-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Quick update as it’s almost 1pm and time to go get into the trailer torture chamber with the cats while we wait out the heat of the day! If I don’t get the door open soon, their temperature enclosed isn’t fair to them, so we all sweat together!

Today I took pictures of the damage so far from the trip on the trailer. Some is fixed, some not – apparently when you bounce a few hundred miles in a 40 year old trailer, things shake loose….hmmm maybe that is why some of my parts are all a little more south and a little more broken too?

Lost two dust cops, the mechanic added the duct tape!

When the floor fell on the tires, the mechanic welded in a two inch piece to lift it up –that seemed to work for that section, but not the front and back end.

When I put water in the water tank a few days ago, it started leaking in a few places.

I tried to fix what I could see with JB Weld Wet and a Plumbing tape that seals, but the real problem is the bottom of the tank I can’t see which is still leaking three days later.

And lower and lower it sinks thru the floor....

Now my fear is the tank will fall through the bottom of the trailer floor – every day I check it, it is sitting lower and caving in more though most of the wood floor damage was done before my time.

Needless to say there is only imported water inside the trailer, but luckily things do drain out without making a mess!

Inside some of the paneling fell down and is now being held up by all the blankets I brought and may never need to use if this heat doesn’t break soon! There are a few other minor fixes, some shelves which fell down on top of the tire and the hole where the tire broke thru (some of that hole had been there already but wasn’t nearly that big!).

Here's the hole, the wire is covering it so the cats can't get out!

The man who fixed the shelves turns out to have built the only earth ship passive cool/heating house in town – what are the odds! I promptly invited myself over and with him being so shy and quiet not sure if he didn’t want me to come by or not? But he only charged me $10 for 90 minutes work plus materials – really? I gave him quite a bit more. My philosophy is you shouldn’t have to lose money while doing work for someone else.

It cost me two or three bucks just to start my truck these days, how could he ever make a profit at that rate? But it just goes to show the kind of kindness that still lives in and around when you look for it or rather allow it to find you.

That’s it for today – sweating is my plans for the rest of the day! Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get an earlier start and can upload some of the first farm footage!

Here's the rest of the pics -


This is where it's leaking out of three days in a row!


Here's where the water should be coming out of...


Here's where he welded as is the one below.

Here's another view of the welding.

August 30, 2011 - Settling into the Sizzle

2011-08-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am officially settled for the next 28 days! It’s funny how your idea of security and relief change as the circumstances around you shift. When I knew I had six months to a year in the house before I’d need to leave, I never could really relax when faced with any level of uncertainty.

On the road, huge relief that I could have even just of few hours to relax from what was coming next. Now, 28 days sounds like an eternity of relief! Perspective is everything. And gratitude is right behind relief in having a place to call home where my basic needs can be met – food, shelter, water, and personal hygiene!

So, where am I? Buckhorn, New Mexico. Home to I don’t know what, but the biggest city is Silver City where they claim Billy the Kid as their own (though why???) and down the road a bit is Alma? Where Geronimo was incited by the death of a family member to make his last stand.

I am staying in an immaculate RV Park (my parents must be so proud!) where I am the youngest person there by almost 20 years. The owners were hesitant to let me stay, hence the delay of a few days, as single women have been known to cause problems. When I asked further, the last woman was bipolar and a bit of a handful –she had to be escorted to the nearest hospital for evaluation. I then explained that I was the person who would have done the evaluation – not the crazy type needing one (thought that point could be debated by some!).

A few of the older gentleman have moseyed on by to say hi to their newest tenant, even the guy on the end who I was told rarely talks to anyone more than a mumble – but he drove up in his shiny red pick-up with his tiny dog Lady to introduce himself and offer to be of help if I needed it.

The thing I love and am most grateful for is the amount of generosity I have found. EVERYONE offers to help in any way – well almost everyone. I thought being from California might be a liability, but I’ve met several refugees from my home state happy to share why this area has won their hearts over and is now their home.

The area surrounding me is still a bit green from the summer monsoon rains. It tries to rain almost every night, but it’s hit and miss – you can often see it in the distance along with the lightening strikes. There’s one main Highway that is quite busy for so remote an area and on each side are rolling hills. Beyond the hills are mountains whose name I don’t know yet. I’ve been told it doesn’t snow much around here, so not sure if snow capped peaks are part of my future or not!

My mom asked me the other day if I was happy now that I’d arrived in almost my destination. My answer would need to be yes. I’m still terrified at some level, but I’m slowly finding my peace and my home in my truth again. It comes in small moments, seeing the cats adjusting quite well – my girl cat even crawled up into my arms during my morning prayers, something we haven’t done for weeks now. Waking up and feeling safe, contained, and comfortable in my little trailer where the evening temperatures cooled everything down and no one is sweating or sticky yet.

My biggest accomplishment this morning was to prepare a bowl of cereal with powdered milk as I’ve finally got things to where I can wash dishes (well I could if I’d brought dishwashing soap with me!). Tiny actions take on big meaning as I slowly find a way to build my life in this new world I’m creating around me.

I still have a long way to go and I’m not sure where that just is yet, but I’m starting to relax and let down – hopefully enough to listen and hear what Spirit is trying to tell me instead of me trying to tell it what I think is best for all of us!

Soon I hope to have some video footage shot and the ability to edit and post – one thing at a time, finding the camera and getting some pictures is the best I could do today! With temps climbing to over 95 degrees inside my trailer during the day, my work time is short and my vegetated time is long – but I am finally acclimating to the heat and it turns out it wasn’t probably hot flashes that were wiping me out!

Stay tuned there are many, many great stories to tell around here and it is my hope to begin telling them soon!

August 26, 2011 - Landed and Stranded!

2011-08-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I could write or update the blog site! I’d like to say it was because I was having so much fun I just couldn’t find the time, but not exactly! To say these last two weeks have been adventure would be an understatement!!!

The problem with not updating daily is that too much happens and it just doesn’t do it justice to condense it all into a few small words or sentences. I hope someday I’ll be able to properly write up what I have learned, seen, and lived – it’s hard to believe it’s only been two weeks since I left my safe, comfortable, and cool mountains in Southern California.

Most of the time I have not had access to cell phone or internet services so that I could upload. The other issue was when you stress level is through the roof, writing and websites are not a priority. I did find that if you need to lose a few pounds, just take an adventure that keeps you in a constant state of terror! The upside, is my work pants are now much looser making it easier to work in them!

As I write this I am sitting in a new friend’s house who has been an angel in this journey. I only met her a few days ago, but she has given me a place to sleep, shower, and check on what is happening in the world via the web. I see the world has not become any less crazy either!

I am currently in Buckhorn, New Mexico. It is about 90 minutes north of the 10 highway that runs along the bottom or New Mexico. My plan had been to stay at a farm a few miles south for a brief visit and then head to the northeast area of New Mexico, but life it seems had other plans.

My trailer made it all the way here, but a few days into farm #1’s experience (needing its own entry!), I thought I saw a chicken on one of my wheels. I went to go scoot it off, but instead found that the tire had pushed through the trailer and was now INSIDE the trailer, the chicken was really a piece of plastic that was the last layer between the trailer and the tire.

Okay, now what? Clearly I could not drive this way! With only two buildings in town – one a coffee shop, the other a tire shop – my hope was maybe I could find some help. The tire shop didn’t have the right set up, but both people there were determined to help me figure out what would. I got some directions to a man they thought might be able to help me out and off I went.

One thing I’ve noticed when others give you directions is don’t assume you have the right ones! I did what they said and landed at a deserted looking building, knocked, no one home…okay, now what? So I decided to keep driving, who knows maybe the 1/8 of a mile I was told to go wasn’t quite right?

And, it wasn’t! More like a 1/2 mile later I did find a mechanic. He was new to town and as the gods would have it a great all around gerry rig kind of guy. It would take four days to find the right part (the downside of living in a remote area), but as of last night he welded the trailer up another two inches and I could drive it…however he has also pointed out several other issues that may make living in it for very long not an option.

So, here I sit this morning, not sure where I’ll be living tonight or what comes next. But it just may be I’ll be here a while. I’ve still got quite a bit to fix in the trailer – mostly the gaping hole over my tire that opens into my trailer. It’s been a challenge to keep the cats inside and all the rest of the wildlife out – though several locusts did make it inside so far!

The hardest part has been to let go of what I think this adventure should be – to let go of plans I have made to allow for the possibility of experiencing the plans Spirit wants me to have. It’s easy to think we know best just because we have made a list of what we should and when we should get there.

I’ve learned SOOOO much in these last few weeks, I’m still reeling. Mostly I’ve learned that my spiritual muscles are still in training and when crisis hits (or lack of sleep, food or shelter), my panic button still goes off instead of my faith and trust button.

I won’t say I am not missing my mountain home or routine. I’ve had one cup of coffee in two weeks – and my morning coffee to start the day was at the center of how I orchestrated life in the trailer – best laid plans!

But you’ve got to say, what are the odds that my trailer breaks 1/2 mile from a guy who could fix it? And while breaking down in Blythe, CA or Casa Grande, AZ were not real options to live there, living here for a while is not a bad thing.

I am surrounded by hills which have mountains standing behind them. The air is clean and clear, the clouds incredible, and the people are unbelievably friendly and helpful. There is not much to complain about this place except the cost of driving my Bronco at 9 mpg to civilization – but civilization is way overrated!

Once I can get settled and find my camera, I can’t wait to show you around this place! Now I’m off to find a place to stay, wish me luck!

August 18, 2011 - life is still as we know it, sort of!

2011-08-18T08:57:00.001-07:00

I’m writing this in the morning, before the day has really begun or ended. I’ve spent the last three hours trying to find my peaceful place with God again. I’ve learned that when time allows, time is better spent finding the internal peace than trying to do tasks or take actions we believe will give us peace. It is the best investment of time I know, though not always practical. But for today, I have the luxury of going within to straighten up that mess before I begin again to try and straiten up the external mess around me.

My fear is escalating this morning because tomorrow morning I have to pull out of this safe haven and enter the world again. It is a short trip, just to my first farm about an hour away, but all the anxiety of my traveling so far is coming back with its full force. I have been promised by others that with time this will ease as my experience will begin to substitute for the unknown. But for now, I’ve got to take that on faith because my travel days are far fewer than most.

As I am in this campground I am surrounded by others who are doing the same thing, clearly this is not something that is unique or should be that difficult. However, most are pulling very new trailers with very new trucks, eliminating the problem factor by quite a bit.

But, this isn’t meant to be a journey of convenience or transportation. I keep reminding myself that this is a journey of building my faith and trust in the non-physical force that created this world. I am remembering how easy it was to be calm and at peace sitting in my house with my routine and all the comforts in this world. There was no challenge but this abstract idea that lay sometime in my future. Well, the future is NOW as they say!

In reading the Course this morning I turned to the section that God is the strength in which I trust, not my own. My own causes anxiety and depression and fear – well I can confirm that! But it also pointed something out I had forgotten, that to find God’s strength we must first confront our own frailty and vulnerability of trying to live life on our own. I can also confirm I am feeling very frail and uncertain right about now!

There is a difference though between trusting in God vs. abdicating all responsibility for our creative power, and that is the fine line we’ve all got to walk. I am reminded that the more uncertain my external world, the more fear that gets generated in my internal world which in turn creates an uncertain external world. Managing our fear is our responsibility, not God’s nor anyone else’s shoulder we may try and lay it down on.

This journey is the perfect example of not knowing what will happen one minute to the next and finding a way to trust and be peaceful in spite of this knowledge. Most of those here are traveling with partners and whether capable or not, there is also a level of feeling more secure when we are not alone. Doing this on my own feels harder because there’s no one to lean on, blame, or get a helping hand – until a stranger stops and offers their assistance.

I will say again that it is such a great and valuable gift to help those in their journey no matter how small the gesture. This is hard. Those I keep calling keep hearing me say this over and over. It’s just a lot harder than I thought it would be. But there is also little reward in life or feeling of accomplishment when all we do are things that are easy.

I am reminded again in my prayers that I need to be patient, that this life will need to unfold in its way and at its time – not mine. I have lived a life of wanting to be “done” with the unfolding part and to get to being able to just “be.” That is the secret we are told. But there is no eternal moment of being as long as we are physical – there will always be demands as we live in the perception of time.

I can confirm with absolute certainty that the less stuff you have the more you can be! I was hoping to get that last month as I got rid of everything I owned, but clearly there is still more to let go of. And part of what I really want to get rid of is this fear that is as time consuming and as space taking up as anything else I own!

August 17, 2011 - the last day, maybe, of life as we know it

2011-08-17T16:42:00.001-07:00

I’m here in Silver City, New Mexico at a KOA campground parked and safe and finally able to let the fear drain out for the first time since this journey began. I arrived yesterday morning and have met a very nice man named Norm who has offered advice on my painful mistake of carrying too much stuff in an overburdening way to the truck and trailer.

I spent yesterday settling in and today trying to figure out why I carted so much of my crap with me and in fear that my entire life will be now about stuff – wasn’t the plan to let this nightmare of too much stuff be over???? Insert loud scream of frustration here!

But here’s the problem, I don’t know what I will actually need in these months to come. Tomorrow has the potential to be a game changer or not, as do several other dates in the coming months. Things I’ve brought may save my life even if for right now they’re dragging me and the truck down.

I found a storage unit about 30 minutes from the second farm I’m planning on going to and I’m thinking suffer the cramped quarters for the next week and then see how the coming two months unfold – worth the $50 in storage fees I think.

Last night was also the first night I got a good amount of sleep. I am happy to report the cats didn’t cry or complain once. They both spent the night nestled up next to me, each picking their own sides. It was lovely. For all the cramped quarters, my bed/couch is wonderful with it’s pillows and familiar sights and smells of the old part of my life that was good.

I had an interesting discussion with Norm who describes himself as a rebel or outlaw is his word. He looks the part of motorcycle maverick from the 60’s on – long hair, bandana, and tattoo’s. He’s lived a varied and interesting life. We were discussing how he has adopted the outward look of the tribe he choose to follow, a tribe he says is almost gone as time and hard living has taken most of those he has known and traveled with.

But it is an interesting point, how our outside often lets the world know who we are on the inside. For myself, I’ve never gotten those two to meet. I’ve never looked how I felt, nor have a found a tribe I have known as my own in this world. I wonder how many of us are afraid of the life we long to live vs. the life we believe we should live.

These last few years have definitely been for me the shedding of the old (though my stuff seems determined to not let go of me!) and a search for the new. Maybe that’s why I can’t let some things go, they still might fit and there’s the knowledge now that I will never be able to replace them. What we treasure of this world isn’t always what is financially valuable as much as it represents to the world who we really are.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, nor the next day, but I do know I’ve got one more day here at the campground before I head out to the first farm. I am hoping to finally get organized enough to get the video camera in sync with these blogs – somehow in my mind this all went much more smoothly! Oh Well, soon I’ll find my rhythm or I’ll find a new world that will make these decisions irrelevant!

August 15, 2011 - Winding Down in Willcox

2011-08-15T15:17:00.001-07:00

It’s day three and my hopes and dreams are all about a boring trip with no drama!!!! As write this I am happy to report I made my trip in one piece and the car starts and the cats even have a little room to move around (not that they aren’t still complaining).

So I called my mom to tell her the good news of my first day of success only to find while my day went well, hers has not! She fell last night and broke her nose and foot. What is going on in the world??? I am happy to report she will be fine, but she’s now in a long term recovery mode after having had to handle so much loss with my leaving and her good friend dying recently.

I am finding that as I drive so much of what I am experiencing are perfect metaphors for life. As I approach hills (now associated with overheating and breaking down) they all seem to look much steeper right before I climb them than they really are once I’m about halfway up…much like life’s problems which always feel harder before than about halfway through them.

Also, when trucks and cars pass me, they cause my trailer to sway around. Much in the same way that people blow through our lives with little or no thought how they are affecting those around them. The trucks that insist on passing me closely and with the most speed cause me the most chaos. I send my blessings to the truckers who pass me slowly!

And, once the trailer starts swinging around, the best course of action is really not to panic or do much. Also good advice for problems that hit us from behind. I’ve also learned that if I pay attention to who is driving up behind me, I can avoid most of the sway if I slow down and let them pass on by…..though we’ll see if I remember that the next time a beautiful but broken man shows up in my life!

The only other big topic for today is that CLEARLY the rest stop designers did NOT have a woman on their planning team! When you are dragging a trailer, you really need big open spaces you can pull through, so stopping in the city fast food joint to use the facilities isn’t much of an option. But for those of us who need breaks for our bladders, legs, psyche’s, and older engines – TWO plus hours apart is NOT practical! Ill admit, I barely made it today to the rest stop. I did actually take some pictures as it had the most interesting rocks, but not sure if I’ll get those pics up today or not…sorry!

As I write this I’m now on page four, so I think I’m done for the day. Today has been the first day I’ve felt real hope as I go forward. Once I cleared Tucson, the land really opened up and the big clouds filling the sky were stunning to view. This was a lot more how I pictured this trip going.

Tomorrow I begin the next phase of this journey. I’ve put the first farm on a two day delay to go to a campground where a nice man named Norm has offered to help me repack my trailer so it’s loaded properly. I didn’t really cover that whole issue with the extra and poorly distributed weight that seems to be dragging my back end of the Bronco to the ground….just hoping it gets up the hill tomorrow!

My goal is to take everything out, try and not die of the embarrassment of how much stuff I brought that I SHOULD NOT have and then put it all back in with the added miracle of making room for me and the cats to sleep in it tomorrow night! Stay tuned for tomorrow’s adventure!

August 14, 2011 - Vapor Locked in Casa Grande

2011-08-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

I got ready this morning and took off just as the light barely began to crack the horizon. It wasn’t cool, but the heat wasn’t as oppressive as the night before. What had been an empty parking lot was full at 5:00am when I was loading the truck and trailer to get ready to go. So many people traveling without the drama, what was up?

Today’s take off went much smoother than yesterday’s. I made it all the way to my second destination, Casa Grande, Arizona. It was about 200 miles, the most I think I’ll be able to do on an average day.

I’m learning a lot as I go and the death grip I’ve got on the steering wheel really takes a lot of energy and staring at everything around me as I try and not hit it or let it hit me takes up what energy I have left to focus with. The complaining cats sitting next to me isn’t really helpful either!

So, jumping ahead to the next drama, I get to my next Motel 6, go to move my truck which is parked really far from my room….and it won’t start. Really? I try it a little while later and still again, it won’t start. Two more panic phone calls to my stepfather and my mechanic (who I am sure were less surprised by more problems than I was) and again they both patiently talked me through what could be wrong and what I could do. It being Sunday, there wasn’t anyone to try and find, but like yesterday I was no more inclined to make Casa Grande my new home than I was in Blythe! My truck really needs to work every day if this is going to work out!

Okay, it turns out that when your gas gets too hot it “vapor locks” – when it cools down it starts, which it did about two hours later as I tried it, ready to faint if it didn’t. Apparently all these heat related disasters to the cars used to be really common per my mom and stepdad – which spawned the thought later that so much of what we call “progress” really has caused us to pay less attention to what is going on around us. For example, when it’s ridiculously hot – don’t drive up a hill with a trailer. Granted I really didn’t have a choice, but I sure could have made better arrangements!

So after another cool down moment of relief, I was finally able to eat something which was one of my favorite comfort foods – cheese enchiladas, thank you to whoever cooked them!

Also, two more insights I want to share. First, NO ONE gets to their dreams alone. I am SOOOO aware how the slightest support from others makes a huge difference. Even the check in girl broke the rules a bit by giving me the handicap room because it was the only clean one on the first floor – or she thought I might be handicapped based on the wild and frantic look I presented with!

Second, remember to bring your compassion to all the men, women, and children who are struggling to protect their families and animals. When I was causing such distress to my cats – who are my children really – my heart went out to all those who struggle to protect those who they love. There are SO many people who have so few resources or options to prevent the suffering of those they love, it really made me realize the gifts so many of us could offer in so many ways.

I am able to slow this trip down and stay in air-conditioned motel rooms as I putt putt across this desert. But many don’t have these luxuries. When the family with the girls was watching my cats, their mother mentioned they didn’t have any food and I was SO happy I had brought snacks with me I could share. By the way, the case of water I had in the car which had seemed foolish at the time turned out to be the best item to bring after all – between sweating out gallons of stress and my radiator overflowing!!!

Day two is down, and day three is soon to be on the horizon….

August 13, 2011 - Burning up in Blythe

2011-08-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

I’m writing this all down two days later, but want to get it while it’s fresh! Saturday was the first leg of the new adventure! Getting out was hard. Saying good-bye to my mom was tearful and sad, but life is moving me forward….at least that was the plan!

It began with the RV lot owner pointing out I didn’t have my trailer hitch down all the way. If I had left like that, well, I wouldn’t be here I’d be back in California! Thanking the very nice man for pointing out this lifesaving fact, the hitch got connected and I was off!

My original plan was to leave at 8:00am, but it was much closer to 9:00am. The reason this is important was my very tight timeframe to get to the town of Blythe by 11:00am in which I would still be south of 100 degrees! Well, not so!!!!

There is a 10 mile hill after Indio (the last place to stop before Blythe) and just at the top is a rest area. I made it up the hill with the temperature gauge still short of overheating, stopped at the rest area, tried to use the restroom (details I will spare you!), and came out to see the lovely florescent green liquid streaming from out of my engine and onto the ground!

I had just seen that same scenario a week earlier when my water pump had broken and I had to replace it. This wasn’t good! When I opened the hood the overflow tank was literally boiling up and out! Another very nice man stopped over to tell me he didn’t think anything was broken, but I had just overheated. That would be best, because now I can’t find my cell phone….not the auspicious start I was hoping for!

I took the cats out of the truck and as luck (?) would have it for me (not for her) a nice woman with her two daughters and mother were sitting in the shade because their radiator had broken too. Her two lovely daughters were very happy to see the cats, so I had two babysitters while on to fixing this problem!

I am very blessed because I’ve got two very good car/rescue me sources. I called both my mechanic (who thought he was free of me when I drove away – hah!) and my stepfather. Both talked me through what to do and how to do it. In the meantime, I kidnapped another man fixing his broken car to double check mine. He wasn’t sure about my car, but a little while later I saw he’d been rerouted to the other families vehicle where a full blown repair job was going on! I’m sure he never thought he’d be stuck in the desert fixing stranded women’s cars and not his own! (side bar: great money making opportunity at the top of steep and hot inclines!)

Anyways, eventually I go on my way thinking the worst was done – hah! Blythe was two hours away for those who could drive faster than 50mph tops, so for me, much longer. The heat kept going up, the cats crying kept getting louder, and my anxiety and fear kept increasing with each passing minute and degree of heat.

I’ll be honest, I was SO stressed I barely noticed the 107+ heat in the car, but the cats were panting and in a lot of distress. I bordered and beyond the hysterical mark not able to tell what was sweat and what was tears. The only requirement of this trip was not to hurt or kill the cats and I was very, very close to doing big damage to them at any moment. This could NOT be God’s plan for me!

I cried, prayed, and felt myself far, far away from the joyful, peaceful place where this plan had originated. But, clouds did cover the sun and finally the blight that is called Blythe rose out of the horizon with the most beautiful Motel 6 sign I’d ever seen.

I got the cats out and onto their new transport dolly (pictures soon) and headed straight for the air conditioned lobby. Relief, tears of joy, and looking like a maniac as I gushed all over the very young and very not interested boy manning the desk of my joy and relief that I had made it with everyone alive.

The level of relief was drastic at that moment, but was soon replaced with the terror of having to do all this again tomorrow. It’s not the fear of driving the trailer, it’s just the fear of everything that can go wrong and how vulnerable I felt. I never was able to eat that day with the knot of terror in my tummy holding court all day and then most of the next.

I’d like to say I slept, but that didn’t really happen either. The alarm clock went off and it was time to do it all over again…

All Hail, the Witch is Dead!

2011-05-02T08:09:00.001-07:00

The witch is dead, the witch is dead - so they sang with glory and glee in the land of Oz. And now, in the land of America, they sing because Osama Bin Laden is dead. The man we feared is no longer alive to hurt us.

There are so many things wrong with this, how does one begin? Should we start with the fact that Mr. Bin Laden died YEARS ago? His image has been kept alive to serve the function of governments and other powers that be. Now that he is gone, who will they use next?

As long as there is someone to fear, those who do fear are easily controlled. So let's move to the next issue. What power does anyone have over us really? What is fear but something we create within us and project outside of us and call it by a name other than our own?

I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said that those who exchange liberty for the illusion of security will get what they deserve. But looking at this from Universal Law, we give only to ourselves - so what we fear in others we create for our own experience.

What power does anyone hold over us when WE are the creators of our own life and death? If no one has the power to kill us without our consent, who or what can we really ever be afraid of?

This is not to say we will never die, for there is no body that will not leave this planet at some point in time. What so many fail to understand is that no matter how awful, scary, or unplanned our demise may look - it is always orchestrated by our Spirit and Self. Our Will is equal in power to God's. If God can't kill us, why do we think a wicked witch or an evil man can?

Really? How did we get so silly? The reason is that to understand no one has any power over us is to accept that we are responsible for everything that happens to us. That is the single most significant reason most don't want to know the truth and so willingly blame and assign responsibility to anyone and everyone but themselves.

This is a big subject that can't be covered in such a small space, but I couldn’t not comment on the puppet theater that is now playing across the media. It is always our choice to wake up and go home. Dorothy did, will you?

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Saying Good Bye

2011-04-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

Death has been something I have had a lot of up close experience with in my life. I've lost almost everyone I've ever loved and many I just cared deeply about. Professionally I have held the hands, looked into the eyes, and cradled the tiny in my arms as they have all left this world. Personally I have done this also.

Death is hard. It just is. And, there is no escape from it. It's grip will tighten on everyone's heart someday.

But I am noticing something different this last year. Death seems to be speeding up its presence. And not just in my own life, but in many around me. As we approach this time of transition in our world, I find myself asking if people are choosing to go because their part is done? Or, are they choosing to go because they don't want to face what their part may be?

When I was working in the emergency room and the doctor would be notifying a family their loved one had just died, it was my job to translate and assist and support. It was a very revealing experience.

Most doctors didn't want to use the word dead, so they would talk about it in the abstract or just be so vague I would have to look at the family and ask what they just heard. Or, in worst cases, have to tell them after the doctor ran out of the room that their family member was dead.

It was also fascinating to watch the children. The ones under twelve or so were rarely sure what to do or how to react. They would observe what the adults would do and then mimic them. To see a five year old child be fine one minute, look around and see others crying hysterically, and then begin to do the same showed so clearly how we are programmed to react to the news of death.

The worst was when families just went wild. Since it was an emergency room, there were always many others who were having their own issues and so death was no longer a private experience for just that family. Some would get violent and angry, others understood, and a host of other reactions.

Sudden death is often harder. There is no time to prepare or say good bye or try and do something to make everyone feel better. It leaves you hanging and all too often filled with guilt over the last conversation or interaction. There is no closure that the dying process can offer.

What is the point of all this death talk? I am not sure. A friend of our family is dying as I write this. He was like a father to me when I was a teenager. I don't see him as much, but he is still very close to my mother. She is taking it very hard.

But I also hear in her voice the strain the living feel when they are not doing to well either. There comes a time, a moment for many when the will to live is just too hard in the face of what it would take to keep going. She is not ready for death, but I doubt her ability to face the coming losses of those she loves and the amount of change the world will be soon plunged into - if they haven't already found themselves there.

If I could give advice about death to the living it would be this. Just show up. Don't wait for the person dying to ask for help or the people around them to invite you to help them either. Help with the daily stuff - cleaning, cooking, walking the dog, driving the kids around. In the trauma of grief it is hard to function and one of the greatest gifts you can offer to someone who is dying or grieving is the gift of functioning so they don't have to.

And then, just listen. No one wants advice, trust me. There are no words that have any real value. Just sit there, be quiet and listen. No one who is grieving cares about what ever you think is important to you - and I promise you it is not important at that moment. However, I fear the ability to listen is a lost art in today's world.

Lastly, when you leave or get off the phone, go outside and feel the sun, breathe the air, smell a flower. Grief is heavy energy and you need to discharge it. Feeling sad or sorrow is of no assistance to anyone. But it is hard to avoid the heaviness of grief and it is vital to let it go from your own energy field.

I write this also because I have a feeling there will be a lot more death coming to our world very soon. I have not been up close to the natural disasters or the wars, but I am very aware of the number of others choosing to leave this world behind. Soon I believe, the numbers will be so catastrophic that those who live will be numbed beyond their ability to cope. It is good to begin to prepare now.

Death is scary for the living because they lose something they want. But death in and of itself is not a problem for those who have died. Death is not something that can happen to us by chance or randomly - and death is not anything but letting this body go and remembering we are only spirit.

Death is hard. It just is. But it is a wound that will heal when you choose healing. And death is an opportunity to be a friend as friends were meant to be - that means showing up not to see what you can get from someone, but only what you can give.

Jill
jillelizabeth.net

The Best of Times

2011-04-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

There's something I've been noticing more and more lately. It's the idea that everyone seems to want something from me, all the time. Hello is not just hello, it's waiting to see if there is an opening to ask for more. An email is not to say hi, but to sell or "network" or scam.

I had to go and run errands today and as much as I dislike entering into the thick of the "city" to do this, I try and remember my purpose is to see the good in everyone. I saw an older gentleman sitting on a park bench with an oxygen tank on my way to enter a store and I looked him in the eyes and said hello. That's another thing, eye contact has been replaced by screen contact on the various tecno devices.

Anyways, he said hello back and then launched into his story and could I give him money on my way out. Deep sigh. Now I would have to pass him on the way back to my car and make a choice, give money or say not today. The Course says give your brother what he is asking for as long as no one gets hurt, but everyone seems to be asking all the time….

On my way out, after having shopped for longer than I would have liked, I could feel that clutching in my chest, the hope he would be gone by now and I could just walk to my car. But, he saw me and I just looked at him and told him I was sorry, not today. Then guilt plagued me for the next ten minutes, and even now as I write this, but isn't the greatest gift I can give my brother to see him whole and happy?

I wondered as I drove away if I had gone up to him and asked if he would like me to assist him in healing his body right then and there. But I've worked with so many like him, that is not a choice that even gets considered. He would have just assumed I was crazy or, like many I've also known, gotten angry that I didn't give him what he wanted instead of what he needed.

That's the problem with miracles and healing - you can't get one unless you want it. And, for so many, the miracle would create a level of personal responsibility and identity that is in contrast to the way humans have learned to see themselves.

I know that as the economy continues to shrink and money becomes harder to get and worth less, this trend will continue. I can feel the panic growing more intense every day. Sell, sell, sell - I don't have time to talk or listen, if you're not going to buy what I am selling, I need to move on and quickly…. That's the message that is being given.

But if we are all drowning in the same problem, how will stepping on each other to climb up really solve anything? Won't it just buy a little more time in the game?

God did not create us to buy and sell to get things. The buying and selling is really just an excuse to be in relationship with each other. We've lost the point and made money our god, and not God our Source and provider. How does anyone really think this is going to end? God loses and money wins?

There is a song that has been playing on the radio lately, I think it's called "The worst of times" or something close to that. But in it the man and woman are struggling with the outside world of work and money, but eventually they find their way back to each other and discover how much love they have to give - abundantly.

Doesn't this seem like the more likely solution? To discover that we need each other more than we need to have more money than we can really use? Yes, this lesson is hard and yes, many of us are doing with much less - I know I am. But, I have also never been happier, more content, and felt more powerful.

Money is not my God, nor is it my Shepard - it is just a tool that will be provided when I need it. And you my dearest brother and sister, it is you I came here to be in relationship with - not your money or what I think you have to give me that I lack.

This will soon be for many, the best of times as we remember who we are and why we came and find each other as we lift up our eyes and open our hearts.

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Clothes to stay or go?

2011-04-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

Finally, a break in the weather! It's now officially warm enough outside to be called too warm, which means it is okay to paint. Painting has been the big hold up for the last two weeks of weather limiting factors.

But today, I'm not going to thrill you with talk of painting panels - did your expectations just drop in a disappointed bombshell? Hah! I know, painting the panels is even more boring than talking about them…

No, today I want to talk about yesterday's installment of the leaving it all behind adventure. Clothes. Yesterday I sorted through what was left of all my clothes.

Now, men reading this will be even more bored than a panel painting discussion, but women - YOU will get this!

Clothes are such a part of our lives. I measured the space I will have to fit my clothes into - 24 inches to hang, two shelves to store. Are you kidding? I've got enough socks and underwear to fill up the entire space alone! That is not even beginning the sorting of the many sizes we as women collect over the years or the many occasions that we are required to dress for: work, fancy work, after work, play, cleaning, working out, going out with the girls, going out with a boy, sleeping, lounging, comfort clothing, dog clothing, outside adventure clothing, inside adventure clothing….the list is endless!

And, to make it even more difficult, I've got to plan a four season wardrobe - how do I do that with all my coats taking up more space than the entire back of my truck??? This is going to be hard!

So, to prepare, I began trying on each piece of clothing to decide: take, give away, store, throw away. But I also sorted through those clothes we hold on to that we never wear. You know the dress for the date we never had. The special underwear that were always more trouble than they were worth. The fancy bra's and leggings that sounded good at the time, but were entirely impractical? The super cute outfit I never wore because it might get dirty.

After way too many hours of all of that, what was I left with? Two bags to donate and about 8-plus feet of hanging clothing….clearly this wasn't going well. But, I did try everything on which was a huge beginning! I need to mention that over the years I've given away already most of what I had owned, but I still have held on to too much.

More than the clothes themselves, I realized how many incarnations I've been through. The different jobs, the different moods and styles, the different values. I knew I was getting old when I began to opt for comfortable shoes over style. I knew I was in trouble when I only owned one pair of uncomfortable heels. I knew that life was over when I decided jeans and boots could take me anywhere heels and a skirt could.

I'll have to see how it goes when it is actually time to pack. My plan is to practice with what I have still left out and see what fits the bill - the rest will need to find a new home. It is a different way of looking at life thinking I won't be able to most likely run out and buy what I need - it will be too far away and may be unavailable as our world gets more and more shaken awake with what is coming.

But, it was a good day's work and is just one more necessary step in letting this old world and life go. As an added irony though, I've worn the same outfit for most of the last three weeks every day! I have a painting outfit - all paint, all the time…and wearing one outfit has been really easy, simple, and taken all the guess work out of the day! If only every day could be a painting outfit day….wait, it has been…

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Tuesday's To Do's

2011-04-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought yesterday was windy!!! So far the weather has been my constant frustration. Snow, wind, rain, fog, drizzle, and more have kept me from my now imminent tasks of getting moved out and on. The calendar, bank, and reality however, have not taken any time off. Time is ticking and regardless of the weather, deadlines are looming.

For those who understand that deadlines are essential for real progress, this isn't the end of the world. But there comes a moment when the pressure of the deadline than isn't enough when there is more to do than time to do it.

I feel like I am here. So, as I awoke at 3:00 am this morning overwhelmed with how much there is to do and so little time to do it in, I waited to rise and begin. But in the waiting I also found some peace, again.

This entire process of deconstructing my old life to begin a new life has been like the proverbial see saw….up and down, back and forth. But what has been different in this journey than many of the others is that instead of giving in to the fear, I'm choosing to find my way out. And, (here's the main point), I am. Fear is not helpful or productive, so why give it my time, energy, and focus? Sounds logical, but it is actually harder than it seems it should be!

So, while the weather is doing nothing to assist my in meeting my looming deadline, it is offering me a chance to have more faith in the unseen than in the seen, trust in the timing I can't control more than what I can, and patience with what seems like slow progress but is really just what it is.

Today's to do list is longer than one human could accomplish in any given day. But I'm up early and ready to begin. So the question I'll send back at you is what can you choose to do without the fear it will get done?

Fear contracts and makes less - including our time, energy, and focus. Fear may serve to start the fire burning, but moving forward is what will keep the flame alive - not staring at it wishing you had more time or wishing it was already done.

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

What Not To Do...

2011-04-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

The best advice comes from those who have paved the way before us and learned the hard way what not to do. Case in point, when vaccuming out a confined space with a shop-vac that blows air out while you suck dirt in, don't sweep and clean all other areas first.

In my never ending trailer project I discovered one of those "you are kidding me" kind of things. Hidden away behind shelving and darkness I discovered a hole above my wheel and thus all the dirt the roads it had ridden on inside my trailer walls where it had crusted and caked beyond my reach.

Shop-vac to the rescue! Until I happened to notice the fine layer of now reddish dust that was settling over the entire interior of the trailer, a fair distance outside of it, and more than I preferred up my nose despite the mask I was wearing.

How is this relevant to my bigger project, the spiritual quest to build the new world? Just a few days earlier I had the same experience in my mind that I had today with my trailer. Oh, you mean I hadn't been able to see that next thing that was blocking my progress due to the old and crusty dirt hidden away? That can also read, guilt and anger.

The advice? Don't assume you've ever got all the dirt cleaned out - it's much easier to assume that cleaning out the dark and dank places is never ending. Oh, and do the dirtiest task first or you'll have to re-clean everything else that you've now covered in old dust ( beliefs would do there nicely too).

Tomorrow, more cleaning and this time I'm starting on top, not in the middle, and working my way down.

How do I love thee if you don't need me?

2011-04-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's another Monday. This is the day that most signifies new beginnings to me. I started off with a bang and actually got up and hiked the most difficult path close to my home. I found myself blessed with the sights and sounds of winters escape in the roar of a spring that crossed my path.

The last section of this particular hike is a VERY steep uphill climb that even on my most physically fit and conditioned day makes my heart want to leap out of my chest. Today, on a very deconditioned and unphysically fit day, I made it up. I felt like I could do anything, there is such power in the accomplishment of a challenge.

I then went to my next activity, which is my time with God. This morning was particularly powerful as I sought the answer to the question "how do we love if no one needs anything from us?"

The deeper part of this idea is that as a woman, much of our focus on loving others is to help and take care of those we love. But how do we love another who doesn't need us? How do we give love to someone that is healthy and happy as they are? Almost every role we have as women is one in which we are the caretakers of another.

In looking for my answer I came across a section in A Course in Miracles which describes God's relationship to us. It states that God created us to share in its happiness. In fact, the entire purpose of our relationship was to make happy - and nothing else. But we are also told that God gave us everything the moment we were created.

Which leads me back to the question, how do we love someone who doesn't need anything from us and we don't need anything from them? In our quest to love, so often we assume that the focus of our attention either lacks something we can give them or we lack something they can give us. But what does love look like with two whole individuals, neither needing anything?

I then was blessed with one of those amazing God moments that really knocked me off my center. My Monday now feels like an ending, not a beginning. I have no desire to really go and do anything because I feel like I already have everything I need.

In addition, I think the only answer I can find to this question is when I think about my relationship with my animals. They don't love me because I am missing something they think they can give me. They just love me because I'm the only one sitting next to them in that moment. They love me just because I am. And that brings both them and me great joy - because I feel the same way, I just love them because they are…and that's enough.

Yes, there are moments when we as humans need each other. Sometimes we need each other a lot, others not at all. But love is something that really just is. The truth of love gets lost when we try and force it into a specific act or ask it to wear a label that doesn't belong to it.

When The Course tells me that the purpose of a relationship is "to make happy," I know that can go one of two ways. Either I believe that there is something you must do so that I can be happy with you OR you need do nothing and I am happy because you don't need anything at all.

As a woman my role in this world gets confusing when I try and view myself as not my role as caretaker, mother, wife, parent, friend. Who am I without these labels? What is a relationship in which we are both whole and complete really like? How do I love another who doesn't need anything from me? Can I?

Just a few questions to think about on this Monday morning!

Jill

jillelizabeth.net

Trying to Find a Beginning in the Middle....

2011-03-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

You'll have to excuse the fact that everything in this blog and in my website is getting all mixed up and off a single kind of focus. I'm still trying to find my way into the format that will best work with the goals I am reaching for....still looking if you'll stay with me while I experiment!

This blog is really for the #6 video and PDF file, the back stories and info is found on the main website. So, with that, what is it that is the goal I am seeking for?????

The only real purpose to ANY of this is to do my part in building the new world. As I've said, it won't be done with our hands and feet, but with our minds and hearts. I started this process a while ago, but want to start doing a better documenting both my journey and that of others as together we work towards a common goal - this new world.

My goal is to use my tiny travel trailer as a metaphor for this process. As I rebuild it, I want to use it as a metaphor for how we can build this new world out of the old world we are all living in now. Not everything "here" is bad or broken, but a lot of it is. This process is really just each of us letting go of what we don't want and creating what we do.

In my heart I write books, but blogs don't allow for that kind of long winded reflection - but neither do you get the heart of a real message down in a few words and moments of one's attention. So, I'm trying to do a bit of everything. Brief summary's here. Video's to make it visual. Written PDF files to more fully develop ideas and concepts that get missed and misunderstood in a quick glance during a busy day.

To get everything in one place - blog, video, PDF File (essentially a chapter one to the eventual book I hope this will be), go here: jillelizabeth.net/journals

Here's just the video:

Thanks for stopping by and I will see you soon when we get to entry #7...when it stops raining and I can go back outside!

Jill
jillelizabeth.net

The Truth in Shoveling Snow

2011-02-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to find the beauty of yesterday still surrounding me in my tiny cabin in the mountains. The sun shines over the ridge behind my home to light up the mountain on the other side, a morning ritual I have come to cherish as I await the brief glimpse of pink, blue, and gold as the rays touch the mountain tip.

The view from my window

I am here, warm, safe, protected. The day begins with a prayer and the understanding I have worked so hard to find, that the truth of life is in the simplest and smallest of moments and thoughts. I feel the love and the blessing I have sought for all these years and the desire to share it is renewed again.

But as I sit here now, the day more in motion than not, reviewing the realities that others are living with war, crisis, murder, pain, suffering….my tiny moment gets lost. How do you share what appears to be so very small when the rest of the world is focused on what seems to be so very big? How do you convey that the big only got big because the small was swept aside and became lost of its own importance?

I have spent the last two days shoveling the snow from my drive on the hopes that someday I can unbury my car and leave my tiny home. Each shovel is one small act that on its own means very little. I began when there was no ground to be seen or path to be found. I just began in a random spot to lift the snow and move it away from where I stood.

There is a sense of satisfaction that can't be described but only felt when you have worked hard and can now see your accomplishments. The snow is not gone, but I can see my progress. The fatigue in my muscles tells me I have accomplished a worthy goal and they feel satisfied to have exerted so much effort.

25% done.....

As I stood with my shovel and looked upon a vast amount of snow, it felt overwhelming…how could I ever get through all of this snow? But I began, one small scoop at a time. It has taken me many hours to do what a machine could do in a few minutes or several men could do it just a few more for a few dollars. But the difference would be that I had not cleared my own snow, I had not felt my own muscles move, and I had not created my own space to now move freely in.

Some would say I have taken the harder path - but I feel more like the turtle than the rabbit, slow and steady will win my race - no one else's. What is the value of our time to us really? No money is made by shoveling my snow myself, but the value to me is greater than anything a dollar can buy.

We are so focused on saving time and money to get more time and money, but what are we really seeking? What value do we search for? What goal is it that we seek to find that could be greater than the one we have here waiting for us in every tiny moment and simple thought?

Lilith will share her love too!

There is no war nor murder that will bring us an answer that we think we seek. There is no distraction that will cure the pain and suffering we so desperately as a society seek to avoid. But how does one person tell another this? It can only be discovered on one's own, with the infinity of time to find what is waiting for us in plain sight.

I want to share with you what I have found - the truth as love and simple blessing that it is. But it is not glamorous or sexy or elusive or expensive or dangerous. It just waits, patiently and certainly for anyone who is ready to find it. And so too will I wait, shoveling my snow, writing my words, and sharing my truth so that when anyone is ready to share the love and blessings with me, I will be here - patiently waiting for you.

jill

jillelizabeth.net

Problem or Solution?

2011-02-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wanted to further understand the problem of what is happening to the world - and I did....but here's the issue with naming the problem, sometimes it is really, really hard to let the problem go when it is SOOOO overwhelming!

I started thinking more about how we want to know what is happening, but the reality of it can be so devastating and frightening that a normal human response is to shut down, distract, or in my case go much lower in my mood than I wanted for my self.

You can't know what you do want until you name it and we most easily find the name and ownership of what we want when we name and own what we don't want. What is happening in the world right now is a whole lot of what we don't want going on.

It is a true revolution for change or is it a facade to move us further into our fear and thus increase the control? Do we face it or fight it or forget about it? How do we know what is real when both sides are too incredible to fathom?

The immediate thing to do is to be aware you are off vibrationally when you find yourself more in the problem than not! For me, a good way to ground myself back to where I want to be is to get outside, and yesterday provided stunning blue skies above a small lake surrounded by snow. It just doesn't get any better than that! How can I stay down when beauty surrounds me?

The problem can suck you down and drain everything you've got if you don't stop it in time. I do not believe in hiding or denying what the problems in our lives and in this world are...but I do believe, well I know, that relief and resolution only comes when we let the problem go and move into the solution. No one ever felt better or did anyone any good by staying stuck in the problem, no matter what its name was.